BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS
Each week, we invite thought leaders and experts in the fields of art, design and self-help, to talk about their areas of expertise, share a secret and share what is exciting for them.
Episodes
Parenting on a planet in crisis.
I used to think hope was something you had to earn: proof things would turn out fine before you were allowed to feel okay about them. So when my anxiety about the world my kids are growing up in got loud, I didn’t reach for hope. I reached for control. More research. More doom-scrolling disguised as diligence, as if memorizing every wildfire statistic would somehow keep the world from catching fir
Tell them. First. Without waiting.
The Mistake I Keep Making (And Maybe You Do Too)I used to think my biggest problem was saying too much.I’m Carissa. I’m bad at keeping secrets — literally, it’s the name of my podcast — and for a long time I low-key believed that my tendency to overshare was something I needed to fix. Like if I could just learn to hold back a little more, I’d seem more polished. More put-together. More professiona
I tried to fix my husband. A neuroscientist stopped me.
Persuasion (n.): The act of causing someone to do or believe something through reasoning or argument. From the Latin persuadere — to advise thoroughly. Note that nowhere in the definition does it say anything about the other person actually wanting to be advised.I have spent years trying to get Josh to exercise.Not in a controlling way. Or — okay, maybe in a slightly controlling way, but for good
"I DON’T MAKE CONTENT FOR YOU."
‘I don’t make content for you.’I was reading something Gabby wrote recently and it stopped me in my tracks. We both feel it — the world is a lot right now. We see it the same way, we respect each other deeply, and yet we find ourselves responding to it all very differently. That contrast has been sitting with me.How are you responding to this moment?So I reached out to her. Not for answers exactly
If Circe, Bridgerton, and Cinderella were one story... BOOK GIVEAWAY!
Let’s be real, happy endings mean what again?In today’s episode of Bad At Keeping Secrets, I’m sitting down with Rachel Hochhauser, author of Lady Tremaine — a stunning reimagining of Cinderella told through the eyes of the stepmother herself. But this conversation goes so much deeper than a fairy tale retelling. Rachel opens up about becoming a single parent while her husband was ill, how that ex
Humans are makers. Not scrollers.
Recently, my dear friend, artist and author, Lisa Solomon asked me if I would write about the color grey. I told her I was bad with color, so gray was perfect. It was for her book, Art Craft Color - where she asked 20 artists/crafters to come up with ideas that would make your life more colorful and also blur the line between artist and craftsperson. All the projects make you feel like you got thi
This Is Why You Are Tired...
Almost everything will work again if you unplug for a few mintues inclduing you.-Anne LemottHey, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Today, we’re diving into something I think we all feel but struggle to name: digital exhaustion. You know that feeling when you’ve been switching between instagram, tictok, email, and three different tabs, and suddenly you’re just... depleted?My guest P
How to slow down and find magic again...
In celebration of darkness, this week I want to revisit my chat with Katherine May, a best-selling author and podcast host, of whom I adore in so many ways. I first heard about her with her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times during the height of the lockdown in 2020. In so many ways, this book helped me let go of control and step back. That there is comfort in resti
What If Motherhood Wasn’t Meant to Be Solo?
Hi, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets.For the past few months, when people have asked what I am reading, I have replied a book about a mommune. I swear, everyone I told was interested in hearing more. I’m sitting down with writer Domenica Ruta, author of All the Mothers—a stunning, raw, and deeply human novel about women whose lives intersect in unconventional ways. She created a mo
How to know when you need to leave...
Today I’m joined by Jessica Baum, a psychotherapist and the author of Safe: A New Way of Looking at Attachment. Her book comes out next week! I promise you will love it. Or I hope you like it as much as I did.How to Know When to Leave - Part 2 of my conversation with Jessica BaumLately, it feels like everyone is talking about attachment theory. I scroll online through articles and essays about at
To Love Someone More Than Love Itself
More Than Love: A Conversation on Grief, Legacy, and Becoming OurselvesThere are some stories that never stop unfolding, they just shift shape as we move through life. This week, I am talking with Natasha Gregson Wagner about her memoir More Than Love. QUESTION: Who expanded your understanding of love? Margaret did for me. Why, I think it was entirely biological/magical.Natasha writes about her mo
What Safe Feels Like.
Today I’m joined by Jessica Baum, a psychotherapist and the author of Safe: A New Way of Looking at Attachment. In our conversation, Jessica opens up about her own journey from anxious attachment to a place of safety, and she helps us explore the deeper forces that shape our relationships: from the hemispheres of the brain and implicit memories, to the ways our bodies hold trauma and longing. Toge
Wanting Both: Motherhood and Art
Before we start I just wanted to invite you to come hang with Ruthie Ackerman and I at Womb House Books on Wednesday, September 24 · 6:30 - 8:30pm PDT. It is a small gathering where we will do some exercises from my book, and have some time to explore motherhood and ambivalence, together. Space is limited, sign up here! It’s free. We just want to make a space to talk about these things if they are
Ask this post a question
What if you had a magic 8 ball… but it actually knew you? And instead of spitting out “Ask again later,” it handed you a question so sharp, or so tender, that you couldn’t help but see yourself differently.Today, I’m talking with designer and author Vicki Tan about her new book, Ask This Book a Question. It’s part fortune-teller, part behavioral science, and part mischievous friend who calls you o
Holding the s**t show of grief.
Hi. It’s Carissa and this is bad at keeping secrets. How do you feel sad? What does grief look like? This week I have the pleasure sit down with Carla Fernandez to talk about something we all carry but don’t really know how to hold: grief. Her book, Renegade Greif, demands space for loss, offering tools, rituals, and language for navigating our sadness in a world that too often tells us to move on
Saying the Quiet Things Out Loud
Need permission to share your story? This episode is for you.This week, I talk with psychologist and author Dr. Jessica Zucker about grief, vulnerability, and her new book Normalize It.Got something you’re spiraling on? If you’re human, you probably do. In Normalize It, Dr. Zucker makes a powerful case for speaking up, and offers a framework for how to actually do it. I first found her work when I
There is Enough for YOU with Jennifer Pastiloff
Proof of Life. Proof of Enough.This week, I had the joy of talking with Jennifer Pastiloff, bestselling author of On Being Human, about her powerful new book Proof of Life — and wow.This book is a reminder that being messy, tender, and still here is more than enough. It’s a kind of miracle.Lately, I’ve been giving small bundles — fresh food, flowers, a handwritten note — and realizing they’re real
I have a crush on...
Hi, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Are you an anxious person? I am. So when I saw the headline “This book is for anxious women,” I had to get it.I feel oddly calmed and understood by the complex social dynamics of Curtis Sittenfeld. It is almost like she is in my head in the moments of cringe when I find myself saying the exact wrong thing for the moment I am in. In our conversa
What is enoughness?
Wanting Both: Motherhood, Art, and the Questions That LingerHi, it's Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets.For the longest time, I believed I’d just know whether I wanted to be a mom. Like a bolt of clarity would strike. But the truth is, I didn’t know. Not really. And for a long time, I thought I had to choose—between being an artist and being a mother. But here’s the thing: I’m greedy. I w
The Short Magnificent Life of Flowers
Hi, it's Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Before I had a kid, my garden was my holy place. Still is, just things are a little more wild now.This week, I talk with Debbie Millman from Design Matters about her book Love Letter to a Garden—a quiet, beautiful reflection on what it means to grow something, and to be changed by it. That gardening offers us relief and connection in the face
What to do when you get dumped.
Hey everyone, it is Carissa and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. What to do when you get dumped? There is no real guide, telling you how to actually just be. Today I am talking to mother/daughter collaborators Suzy Hopkins and Hallie Bateman about finding meaning and connection in difficult experiences. There is something so universal in our heartbreak that connects us all, this is truly a guide in
What if we stayed? The sacred space is already here.
I am what they call a runner. I felt a connection with Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride—the idea that if you don’t like your situation in life, you can just leave. If you get fired from a job, there’s always a better one out there. If you’re not in love with your partner, you’re doing them a favor by calling it quits. Are you unhappy now? There’s something better out there—you’re just missing out…Bu
How to feel alive again.
We can control whether we merely endure our days or experience and enjoy them. We can control whether we arrive on our deathbeds feeling like we've wasted our time or end up satisfied with how we've spent our brief moment in the sun. -Catherine PriceDuring my darkest moments in the pandemic, my therapist told me that I had to find joy to keep going. These days, I feel deeply hollow inside. I am no
What is the point of art?
Hi, it’s Carissa, and welcome to Bad at Keeping Secrets! Today, I’m chatting with Liana Finck, an amazing cartoonist, author, and regular contributor to The New Yorker. Liana’s known for her sharp, thoughtful work, including her graphic memoir Passing for Human, and I found her on instagram ages ago - her work is SO relatable, and funny, and just real. BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a newsletter that t
It's not you. It's your stress.
What is your stress telling you? Just curious… Mine is that I need to change my expectations for myself…Before we got sick, and then my business shapeshifted, and the globe felt increasingly less safe, I recorded this podcast with Dr. Aditi Nerukar, stress expert and author of The Five Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience.I swear I was not always this way, so stre
What if the great love of your life was friendship?
“Inside our words and actions, the people we love live on through us.”-Lissa Soep, Other People’s WordsWhat makes us… well us? What makes our ideas our own? I learned when I grew up that I was a unique person and the origins of my ideas were somewhere in my mind. They came from a “soul” of sorts. These ideas and words were ownable by me. Whatever I did and said it came from this place, this soul t
How to create meaning.
Recently, I read something somewhere that admitting you were lonely was one of the most shameful things someone could do. And yet, I do it all the time. Without shame. I am lonely. Yes. What is weird is that I also crave alone time. Which I don’t have and seems so luxurious after having a kid. What does feeling lonely mean then? I thought it was a longing to be around people but really, it is not
Do you wonder if you are doing more? You are.
We are in this amazing moment where we are trying to make a more equitable future by the ways that we structure our time and resources. We have never had more freedom to create meaning and systems that serve us. But cis women in hetero-relationships are still doing more of the work and feeling burnt out as the default parent even when they are also the breadwinners. I became a fan of Eve Rodsky wh
Setting Yourself Up For Failure.
“To witness one life's miserable devastation and see her reach, instead, for joy. Let your life rest on what is already good. It's just another day in the good-bad, bad-good earth machine.”Kate Baer is a poet who I love. I found out about her work when What Kind of Woman her first collection of poems came out. It was raw and true and I loved every moment in it - not because it was perfect - but be
Avoidance of pain leads to more pain.
I grew up thinking that addiction was not something that ran in my family. So I didn’t have to worry about it. My parents were both not really into drinking. My grandparents had been raised in the Depression and had seen the damage that alcohol could do on families and were so scared of it that they didn’t drink. When I came of age, I was not interested in it. I tried it. I have been drunk. I thin
Why do we avoid rest?
I have known Ashley Neese for years. We met when we gave a talk together in the winter of 2019. I have been obsessed with her ever since. Her new book, Permission to Rest insists that we need rest for ourselves, for healing, for repair, and yes, for our communities. And then, Permission to Rest shows you how to do the work of resting.“There are a million reasons not to rest,” says our culture. Pri
Is depression a character flaw or illness?
“It's startling to realize how narrowly we avoid, or miss, living radically different lives.” - Rachel AvivHave you ever wondered why your life worked out the way it did? Yes. You have. We all have. Why are some people a success? Other’s not so much? Why do some people with similar diagnoses, DNA, and environments have such different life outcomes? I have wondered this throughout my life. It comes
How to slow down and...
In celebration of darkness, this week I want to revisit my chat with Katherine May, a best-selling author and podcast host, of whom I adore in so many ways. I first heard about her with her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times during the height of the lockdown in 2020. In so many ways, this book helped me let go of control and step back. That there is comfort in resti
What is a lie? The unraveling of our shared reality...
“...sometimes, when something is such an integral part of your life, it's hard to see where the raw material ends, and the inspiration begins.”Sarah Viren, author of To Name the Bigger Lie, tackles big questions such as the location of truth, the value/curse of doubt, the pliability of personal narratives, and the allure of conspiracy theories. I first read about her story “The Accusations Were Li
How to feel alive again.
We can control whether we merely endure our days or experience and enjoy them. We can control whether we arrive on our deathbeds feeling like we've wasted our time or end up satisfied with how we've spent our brief moment in the sun. -Catherine PriceDuring my darkest moments in the pandemic, my therapist told me that I had to find joy to keep going. These days, I feel deeply hollow inside. I am no
Can AI tell how you're feeling?
This week, I’m revisiting a topic that is a little scary but also extremely hopeful. A few months ago, I had the pleasure of talking with Grace Chang – she is the co-founder and CEO of Kintsugi, a tech start-up developing ways that AI can recognize biomarkers to help clinicians in diagnosing mental health issues.I met Grace last summer at the SF Art Book Fair, and when I asked her what she spent h
Knowing what your body needs
Lately I have been feeling under the weather without actually being sick with a fever - does that ever happen to you? I have a sneaking suspicion it is from the fluctuating weather we’ve been having. And I am not a doctor, but as a person who has a hard time with transitions and seems to get sick every time the weather changes, I am interested in alternative ways of healing/being in addition to my
What makes life worth living?
The idea that the universe is ultimately meaningless is something that I have been sifting through all of my life. Meaning is super sexy, offering an understanding for suffering, and a way to connect. Today I want to revisit my conversation with Wendy Syfret, and the comfort meaningless can provide. Nihilism gets a bad rep. For sure. The problem I think people run up against is the question – if t
How to actually do the thing.
The older I get the more dubious I am of how much control we actually have over our lives. And question if the systems of knowledge familiar to us are actually serving us. This is depressing on some level because feeling a sense of agency and control is somewhat equivocal to having hope. I think the reason I am drawn to behavioral psychology is because it offers some form of science-backed underst
When does positivity become toxic?
This week, I am super excited to revisit and share Whitney Goodman’s work with you. As someone who is drawn to the beauty inherent in sadness, I have been on a crusade against silver linings since the pandemic started. It is not that I want to deny that we can and do learn from things, but do they always have to make us stronger/better?People tend to have strong reactions when I say that I am not
Should I quit or should I stay?
So, you came here for help. I am guessing. You want to know if you should leave your partner, quit your job, unfriend someone, leave the city you grew up in, etc. This feels like a transitional moment for everyone right now. I feel it. This week, I am revisiting a very exciting conversation I had with Annie Duke last year on quitting.I was so excited when I heard about Annie Duke’s new book, Quit.
How to steal like an artist
“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But since no one was listening, everything must be said again.”―André GideI’ve been spending time thinking about originality lately. Is anything that we create really original? Or maybe as Austin Kleon writes in Steal Like An Artist, a good artist understands that nothing just comes from nowhere. All art is a remix. Even we are a remix, a pe
"Should I have a baby?"
A few months ago, I wrote about resources for people who were on the fence about if they wanted to have kids or not. Perhaps it is something that you are ruminating on? In this weird age of perceived expansion of choice, the question itself seems daunting. We are told that we can do everything, and have it all, but can we?I reached out to Sheila Heti a while back with zero expectations on if she w
Where is the line between inspiration and copy?
Where do we draw the line between inspiration and copying someone else’s original idea? Do any of us ever have original ideas? I had the chance to speak with Danielle Krysa (aka The Jealous Curator) about all of the grey area in the concept of the “original idea.” About 11 or so years ago, someone accused me of copying them. It was a performance artwork where I stood in front of San Francisco City
We're a molecule away from madness
Sara Manning Peskin takes on the idea of "madness" in her book A Molecule Away From Madness: Tales of the Hijacked Brain. It reads like a detective novel and is basically impossible to put down. On the one hand, the mind is shockingly vulnerable. When you think about the smallness of molecules and then think about how they may be holding together our sanity (!)—it’s harrowing. On the other hand, a
Where does the mind stop and the world begin?
What would it mean to think outside of your brain? I am fascinated by the idea that we can think with our bodies, our surroundings, and our relationships—and that thought is so much more interconnected than we might think. It defies an individualism that we often rely on, and recalls the intelligence of the body and how our thought processes vibrate against one another, shaping new thought.Today,
Everybody is trying to manage their pain
This week I am talking to Aamina Ahmad, author of The Return of Faraz Ali. Her book is about a murder, but it is like no other “murder mystery” I have ever read. It is quietly human, compassionate, deeply observed. Under the layers of the crime are layers of generational trauma, power, and psychological distress.Pain and love are riddled with grief for the characters in Aamina’s book, a brilliant
What does a secure relationship look like?
Hi friends, hi,I hope this week treated you gently and with care. And if it didn’t, well, then I am extra glad for us that it is the weekend.I have SUCH A TREAT for us today. I got to chat with Julie Menanno of The Secure Relationship and it was exactly what I needed. Maybe you will too. I just think it’s such a hard time to be a human in relationships. Romantic or otherwise. Everyone is feeling a
How can we use our own imperfections to understand others?
I spend a lot of time thinking about how to make sense of this world that we live in - holding multiple truths, reconciling feeling like we know nothing and everything all at the same time. So does my guest this week, Simran Jeet Singh, the Executive Director of the Aspen Institute’s Religion & Society Program.We are talking about his book The Light We Give - How Sikh Wisdom Can Transform Your Lif
Perfect is the enemy of the good
Emma Straub’s paperback release of her NY Times Bestseller This Time Tomorrow is coming to us soon on May 16! She kicks off her book tour very soon too, and today I want to celebrate by revisiting my conversation with Emma from last year. I wore red lipstick the entire week leading up to talking to Emma Straub about the full mess of life. The interview is long and fragmented and also the audio cut
What do we do with our regrets?
Regrets… I have some experience in this area because: a) I am a highly sensitive person, and b) I am always looking backwards. Always. I am a person who lives in the past tense. It is not something I am proud of. I have this annoying habit of ending the day by lying in bed thinking about all of the things that I said to people that day and wondering what the heck I was thinking.But I also look bac
Does laziness actually exist?
Have you ever considered yourself a lazy person? I would say I do, when I walk past the sink of dirty dishes, telling myself I will do it later when it’s already been a bunch of laters already. Or when I jump into bed with a to-do list still left unfinished, wracked with the guilt that I could have done more if I just tried harder. But according to Dr. Devon Price maybe that’s not the case. Maybe
Is all love unconditional?
Have you ever felt unconditionally loved? I guess I should start by defining what I mean when I say, Unconditional Love. I grew up with the understanding that this term meant that no matter what I did, or who I was, I was loved by my parents. Both of them made my sister and me aware of this fact by telling us and by showing up for us. Of course, they still got mad at our actions and praised us whe
We are not getting enough touch...
I am personally super fascinated by how our relationships with tech have changed the course of human friendships, romance, and family. How the community is evolving with and around our phones and the internet and everything else.In the zeitgeist of this moment, I feel like we are often using the term “alignment” to describe when situations, and interests are fueled by the same motivation. When I
How to accept ourselves as we already are
Can you accept yourself as you are? Do you ever feeling like shame is running the show?Today, we revisit my conversation with Lisa Olivera, a writer and therapist who shares work centered around radical acceptance, cultivating compassion, and integrating our stories and full humanity. “…Listening to ourselves and noticing some of those fears that come up, and asking if the fears that we have are w
Why do we like to listen to sad music?
“Longing itself is a creative and spiritual state.” —Susan CainRecently, I have been spending a lot of time trying to define (and find meaning in) this moment, with my current understanding of reality. Why is life so hard? If hard things don’t always make us better/stronger, what is the point?There are so many ways to reframe pain in the positive. But I keep finding holes. Ways in which the theori
Why we shouldn't wait for something to go wrong
Do you ever wonder why we think our brains are separate from our bodies? In this week’s episode, author and psychologist (and former finalist of the Great British Bake Off!) Kimberley Wilson talks us through her recent book How to Build a Healthy Brain and the role that sleep and nutrition play in how we feel. We address how emotions are grounded in the body - so to take care of brains, we must ta
How can we find wonder and awe in anxious times?
Katherine May’s new book, Enchantment, comes out this week! Feb 28 in the US and March 9 for the UK - preorder here (preordering a book is super important for authors to get seen. If you know you or a loved one want a copy, why not order it now?) Help Katherine get her message to the people who need to hear it. Or wait 2 more days if you’re feeling super patient.Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPIN
How to Be Okay When Things Don't Feel Okay
Is comparison the thief of joy? Most days I think I can confidently say that I’m content with where I’m at, happy even, excited to celebrate in the small, mundane moments of everyday life while holding space to celebrate others’ joys and successes. Then there are the days where I find myself falling into a spiral, comparing myself to the highlight reels of a stranger’s Instagram. So how do we navi
How to move forward without closure
Many of us have a complicated understanding of the statement, “Things Were Meant To Be.” I know I do. So does Katie Hawkins-Gaar. It’s a concept that I long to take comfort in, but that’s not always helpful in processing grief.Katie started My Sweet Dumb Brain in 2018, a year and a half after her husband died while running a half marathon. He was 32. Suddenly she was a widow at the age of 31.My Sw
Can we live a "good" life without suffering?
**Transcription of audio can be found at the end of this post**Humans are social beings, and we are happier, and better, when connected to others.- Paul BloomThank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.Paul Bloom is a professor, scholar, and writer who studies how humans make sense of the world. When he said yes to letting me interview him last year,
What happens when we don't feel held?
**Transcription of audio can be found at the end of this post** This year, I’ve been curious about how holidays like Valentine’s may perpetuate co-dependence in our relationships. What are some ways that we could rewrite Valentine’s Day? I don’t have the answers, but I recently asked you all about it and so many of you wrote to me saying you would want it to be about: a) platonic love; or b) foste
How to actually get through heartbreak
**Transcription of audio can be found at the end of this post** Florence Williams is a journalist, author, and podcaster. Her book, Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey, totally had me at the title. I have been a fan of Florence Williams since I read her book, The Nature Fix, a while back. BUT when I heard that she had been writing on my favorite topic ever I lost my mind. Her book, Heart
Admitting life is hard can be a relief
There is something inherently beautiful in the human condition and being able to experience the entire range of emotions, both good and bad. But there’s also something undeniable that we can’t escape from - life is really hard. Sometimes I’m still not sure how I feel about silver linings. For me, it feels like there is a reality that is being denied when I force myself to see the “good” in every s
How to Expand Time to Be Happier
I am not the kind of person who wants to be happy all the time. Actually, I am a wallower - sitting in pain is somehow worthy of time. But sometimes I get stuck. And lately, I have been deep in the mud. So I invited Cassie Holmes, a professor at UCLA’s Anderson School of Management to talk about her new book, “Happier Hour.” BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. We pick people
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