Playing With Fire

253 The Shadow of Compersion Aug 15, 2026 00:43:11 Compersion – feeling joy for another person’s joy – is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to non-monogamy. But, like anything that’s bright and shiny, there’s a shadow side to compersion, and we’ve seen it become a stumbling block in non-monogamous relationships time and time again.When we elevate compersion as a virtue in polyamory, we accidentally create some real problems. Surprisingly

252 Triad Life in a World of Couples with Margo, Jody & Chris Aug 1, 2026 01:15:04 Relationships are messy, and when you re-imagine life with three instead of two, well, let's just say the complexity multiplies in ways you might not expect, even if you've been practicing non-monogamy for decades. So what does it actually take to build a throuple that both honors each person's individuality and creates a beautiful togetherness? And how do you navigate that when each p

251 Trailblazing vs Following: The Hidden Dynamic That May Be Creating Resentment Jul 18, 2026 00:48:49 When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but it is a dynamic we see all the time, and when it goes unrecognized, unnamed, and unacknowledged, resent

250 Relationship Re‑Imagination: The Framework Jul 4, 2026 02:24:35 To celebrate hitting 250 episodes of Playing With Fire, we’re diving deep into something we've been asked about constantly since our first episode on it over a year ago: Relationship Re-Imagination.We introduced this concept back in episode 194, and the response was immediate and intense; people wanted steps, phases, a roadmap—something they could follow to Re-Imagine their relationships. But

[Replay] 194 Re-Imagining Relationships Jun 27, 2026 00:51:52 When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way?Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead

249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies? Jun 20, 2026 00:48:47 So you made the transition to non-monogamy… but you ended up feeling like you’re living two separate parallel lives in different relationships. This might not seem like that big a deal from the outside, but in many cases, having a siloed relational life can cause profound suffering.This isn’t just about having different relationships with different people (that’s normal and healthy, whether you’re

248 Beyond People-Pleasing: Practicing Healthy Autonomy in Relationships Jun 13, 2026 00:44:33 People pleasing is not an effective strategy on the path to healthy, conscious relating. But adopting an approach towards autonomy that amounts to ‘I don’t owe anyone anything’ is…not it either. These extremes were adaptive patterns; they helped us survive difficult childhoods, but they don’t help us much as adults.True autonomy, when you really understand it and put it into practice, will strengt

247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication Jun 6, 2026 00:42:17 Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it.This isn’t easy to spot

246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now? May 30, 2026 00:52:40 The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom?Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up, there's no going back to a state of unknowing. You can't unsee what you've seen or unknow what you've learned

245 Check-Ins That Actually Work May 23, 2026 00:41:21 Regular relationship check-ins might sound boring (maybe even like homework), but here's the thing: they're not just maintenance, they're the architecture that holds everything together. Most people either skip them entirely, do them inconsistently, or turn them into overwhelming marathon sessions that feel more like crisis management than connection. And if you’re only having check-in

244 But I Feel like I’m Gonna Die: What Happens When Agreements Meet Attachment Panic May 16, 2026 00:51:36 You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very survival.We call this attachment panic, and it’s what happens when jealousy activates our pre-verbal, surv

243 Making Decisions Together: Permission, Consultation, and Notification in Relationships May 9, 2026 00:43:55 Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together.When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the con

242 Betrayal Repair in Non-Monogamy May 2, 2026 01:14:41 Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on?This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conv

241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert Mar 7, 2026 00:52:39 Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make you question not just your partner, but yourself and reality.Eve Rickert (co-author of the second edit

[Replay] 222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships Feb 28, 2026 00:42:18 Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "t

240 The Alchemy of Erotic Jealousy & Compersion: A Reverse-Interview with Dr. Marie Thouin & Dr. Joli Hamilton Feb 21, 2026 00:59:18 If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In this reverse interview, Joli shares candid stories from early non-monogamy and triad life, using mastu

[Replay] 229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves Feb 14, 2026 00:38:42 Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of movi

[Replay] 177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships Feb 7, 2026 00:48:51 The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships!That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings.The good news is that

[Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted? Jan 31, 2026 00:45:29 Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talk

[Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method) Jan 24, 2026 00:54:47 A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control.

239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy Jan 17, 2026 00:55:08 Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy."Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges

238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships Jan 10, 2026 00:31:44 Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?"We und

237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity Jan 3, 2026 00:46:29 We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships?Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not

236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex Dec 27, 2025 00:58:23 What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuc

235 I Think I'm Polyamorous, But I'm in a Monogamous Marriage Dec 20, 2025 00:41:22 Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration.When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it'

234 How to Figure Out What You Want (And Why It’s So Damn Hard) Dec 13, 2025 00:39:37 There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us?In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology beh

233 The Case for ‘Boring’ Polyamory Dec 6, 2025 00:33:17 When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about.The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In

232 How to Keep Going When Non-Monogamy Feels Too Hard Nov 29, 2025 00:40:54 Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it.Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hi

231 The Holiday Survival Guide for Polyamorous People Nov 22, 2025 00:36:19 Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience.We've been there! Th

230 Can Trauma Survivors Do Non-Monogamy? Nov 15, 2025 00:46:06 Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.The t

229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves Nov 8, 2025 00:38:55 Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of movi

228 “I Only Get the Hard Parts”: Living with Asymmetry in Polyamory and Life Nov 1, 2025 00:47:26 Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not.We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relat

227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern and David Cooley Oct 25, 2025 00:46:05 We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!This isn't j

226 The Secret Sauce of Happy Non-Monogamy: Exquisite Transition Management Oct 18, 2025 00:39:51 We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics.A ton of us could use extra support around

225 Fears, Hopes, and Aftercare: Preparing for Polycule Gatherings Oct 11, 2025 00:36:24 Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens

224 Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson Oct 4, 2025 00:54:33 Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection?Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr.

223 Recovering From Purity Culture with Lauren Elise Barnes Sep 27, 2025 00:50:53 Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belo

222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships Sep 20, 2025 00:42:33 Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "t

221 The Art of Reassurance: Relating Through Doubt and Fear Sep 13, 2025 00:37:07 When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex inter

220 How to Finally Hear Each Other: Low vs. High Context Communication Sep 6, 2025 00:31:11 Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood.Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex t

219 A Patient Path into Non-Monogamy with Laura & Bill Aug 30, 2025 00:54:58 Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path.They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstr

218 What will opening up do to us? Aug 23, 2025 00:43:44 When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated.This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something im

217 Jealous right now? Listen to this. Aug 16, 2025 00:15:13 Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing to "fix" the situation, we first learned to stay present with ourselves through the storm? This episode is designed for you to use in real time, in the moments that jealousy hits. We’re offe

216 Helping Your Partner Through an Intense Moment of Jealousy Aug 9, 2025 00:44:13 Jealousy happens—even to this jealousy expert! But when your partner is experiencing jealousy, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Without the right tools, it can quickly spiral into disconnection, shame, or control dynamics that damage the relationship. But is it possible to respond without abandoning yourself or falling into problematic patterns?The truth is, you can help your partner throug

215 Nurturing Established Relationship Energy Aug 2, 2025 00:54:32 When you've been together for years, it's easy to let your relationship run on autopilot. But what happens when you need to reconnect, especially after a difficult period? In this episode, we share our personal journey of creating an intentional retreat to nurture our established relationship after 18 months of significant changes and challenges.We believe that established relationships de

214 Defying Mononormativity with @Polyamarla Jul 26, 2025 00:51:35 When we step outside established relationship norms, we're not just changing our dating lives—we're challenging entire paradigms that shape how we see the world. In this episode, we welcome Marla Schreiber, author of the new book Non-Monogamy and Defying a Paradigm, to discuss what it truly means to question and move beyond mononormativity.Marla brings a fresh perspective as someone who&#3

213 Psychedelics and Non-Monogamy with Dr. Nicole Thompson Jul 19, 2025 00:54:03 When we think about altered states of consciousness, we often focus on individual experiences. But what happens when we bring psychedelics into our relationships—especially non-monogamous ones? The potential for healing, connection, and transformation is immense, but so are the risks if we're not careful about our approach.In this episode, we're joined by Dr. Nicole Thompson, a queer, non-

212 Repair Skills Jul 12, 2025 01:07:36 Relationship ruptures happen to everyone, but repair is a skill that most of us were never really taught. When connections break down between partners, friends, family members, or colleagues, many of us rely on time alone to heal the wounds. But time itself isn't a repair tool, and waiting for hurts to magically disappear often leads to relationships that heal incorrectly, like a broken bone that

211 The Drama Triangle: How to Get Unstuck From Your Sticky Fights Jul 5, 2025 00:48:36 We all get caught in relationship drama from time to time. Whether it's with our partners, friends, family members, or even ourselves, these patterns can feel frustrating and difficult to escape. The good news? There are frameworks that can help us recognize when we're stuck in drama and practical tools we can use to shift into more empowering dynamics.In this episode, we dive into the Dra

210 Non-Monogamy Firsts: Managing Emotions When Your Partner Explores New Experiences Jun 28, 2025 00:27:21 When your partner experiences something for the first time with another person—whether it's a first date, first kiss, or first intimate encounter—it can trigger a complex mix of emotions. These "firsts" often carry significant meaning and can create unexpected emotional responses, even when you feel intellectually prepared for them.You might spend months discussing, planning, and con

209 Transitioning from Swinging to Polyamory Jun 21, 2025 00:35:34 What actually changes when you go from swinging to polyamory? Is it just more dates—or a total shift in your emotional and relational world? We explore the real answers—plus the question no one wants to ask: “What if my partner doesn't want to go with me?”This transition is more than a change in labels—it’s a deep reconfiguration of your emotional bandwidth, time, priorities, and sense of self

208 Relationship Anarchy: Tailor-Making ALL Your Relationships with Annie Undone Jun 14, 2025 00:54:16 Relationship structures don't have to follow a script. Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, you can intentionally design all your relationships to fit exactly who's in them. But what does that actually look like in practice?In this episode, we welcome Annie Undone, a non-binary queer writer whose journey through various relationship styles offers powerful in

207 Turning Goals into Self-Agreements Jun 7, 2025 00:34:03 If you’ve been a PWF listener for a while, you know that we love self-agreements. Creating self-agreements based on your goals may sound like a simple process, but we find that some big questions often come up along the way.To answer this week’s listener question, we’re diving deep into value and accountability systems, and we’re giving you practical exercises you can use to uncover your desires a

206 The Grief of Jealousy May 31, 2025 00:37:59 Jealousy and grief are deeply intertwined emotions. When we experience jealousy, we're experiencing a form of loss—whether it's the loss of attention, time, or even an imagined future–and often grief is hiding just beneath the surface of these experiences. Understanding this connection can help us navigate the complex emotional landscape of non-monogamy with more compassion for ourselves a

205 Hierarchy or Priority? May 24, 2025 00:42:39 Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the word as an immediate red flag. But what's really going on beneath the surface? What are we actually trying to communicate when we talk about relationship hierarchies?In this episode, we dive deep into the

204 Liminality: Your Key to Relationship Paradigm Shifting May 17, 2025 00:33:07 When we step out of one relationship paradigm, phase, or stage and into another, we often find ourselves in a strange, uncomfortable space—neither here nor there. This space has a name: liminality. From the Latin word "limen" meaning threshold, liminality describes that crucial period between what was and what will be. It's not just a moment of crossing over; it's an extended tim

203 Money & Non-monogamy: Skip This Episode at Your Own Peril May 10, 2025 00:43:39 When we open our relationships, we often focus on creating boundaries and agreements around emotions, time, and sex. But there's another crucial element that frequently gets overlooked (until it becomes a problem): money. How we handle finances in our relationships can reveal deep-seated values, trigger old wounds, and create unexpected power dynamics—especially when we start dating outside ou

202 How do we maintain the relationship renaissance after opening up? May 3, 2025 00:38:09 Many of us experience a relationship renaissance when we first open up. There's a delicious new energy, deeper conversations, rekindled passion, and a sense that we're seeing our partners (and ourselves) in entirely new dimensions. It feels amazing, and naturally, we want to hold onto that feeling forever!But what are we supposed to do when that initial excitement starts to fade?Maintaining this r

201 Lots of fish in the sea, how do I find mine? Apr 26, 2025 00:37:02 We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating??It’s not always as easy as making an online dating profile and seeing how it goes. We often focus so much on what we want in a partner that we forget to ask ourselves what we’re actually available to offer. If you’re struggling with dat

200 Episodes Strong: What We've Learned About Love, Business, and Growth Apr 19, 2025 00:32:16 Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of achievement.In this special anniversary episode, we pull back the curtain on what it's like to navigate the complex terrain of intimate partnership while also being public-facing business collaborators

199 Why Verbal Agreements Suck (And Why We Still Use Them) Apr 12, 2025 00:39:47 We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation.Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necess

198 Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system? Apr 5, 2025 00:37:43 Ok, so you’re working on nervous system regulation, and you’re working on jealousy. But why is it that the feeling of jealousy can just totally freak out our nervous systems?? In this episode, we’re answering this and other questions about jealousy, panic, and somatics.When jealousy triggers that primal panic in our bodies, it can feel like your world is ending. But we’re not powerless against. Th

197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards Your Partner Mar 29, 2025 00:39:50 Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what

196 Envy: How to Use It and How to Lose It Mar 22, 2025 00:32:22 Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference betwee

195 Help, I’ve Struck Gold: Handling NRE in Two Relationships Mar 15, 2025 00:43:48 New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade?Even though

194 Re-Imagining Relationships Mar 8, 2025 00:46:05 When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way?Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead

193 Beyond Good Intentions: Building True Integrity in Relationships Mar 1, 2025 00:43:00 What does it really mean to live and love with integrity? How can we stay in integrity while navigating multiple relationships, agreements, needs, and wants that aren’t always in alignment??The reality is that living in integrity, especially when you’re in multiple non-monogamous relationships, requires awareness, honest self-reflection, and sometimes making difficult choices. That may sound overw

192 [Replay] What would you do with your full power? A conversation about kink, power exchange, and everyday life with Mollena Williams-Haas Feb 22, 2025 00:51:26 What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you.⁠Click here for the Kink Do

191 [Replay] Turn your Toxic Attractions into Psychological Growth with Sunny Megatron Feb 15, 2025 00:57:21 What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level?In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth

190 [Replay] Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted? Feb 8, 2025 00:45:40 If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can

189 [Replay] Can my attachment style do non-monogamy? Feb 1, 2025 00:43:01 Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity.Here’s t

188 [Replay] Justice Jealousy Jan 25, 2025 00:52:47 Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage. Justice jealousy is definitely one of them.Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their oth

187 [Replay] Imago Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Connection Jan 18, 2025 01:21:58 Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing!Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection.Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue w

186 Polyamory in the Second Half of Adulthood with Kathy Labriola Jan 11, 2025 00:52:15 For too long, conversations about polyamory have centered on younger people. But what happens to open relationships as we get older? Kathy Labriola, author of many groundbreaking titles including The Jealousy Workbook, joins us to explain why age doesn’t have to mean the end of polyamory. In fact, non-monogamy can actually become more valuable as we age.It is so important for our community to have

185 Conscious Uncoupling Jan 4, 2025 01:02:48 Navigating the endings of relationships doesn't have to be a disaster. When it comes to consciously uncoupling, it’s about so much more than “breaking up nicely.” We want to help you reimagine what’s possible, honor what was, and create space for what comes next, even when it feels incredibly challenging.In this episode, we talk about:— Why conscious uncoupling requires specific ingredients, i

184 Q&A Quickie: Why get married? Dec 28, 2024 00:32:55 If you’re polyamorous… what’s the point of getting married?? We get this question a lot. And although we are married, we also have a ton of mixed feelings about marriage. Marriage is way more complex than just saying “I do,” and we want to help you sort through those complexities so that you can decide whether or not to get (or stay) married with consciousness and integrity.In this episode, we tal

183 Pelvic and Sexual Health for Every Body with Dr. Ariana Cesare Dec 21, 2024 01:03:46 Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s normal. You do NOT have to accept pain, discomfort, and limitations when it comes to sex, pregnancy, and childbirth as “just the way things are.”Dr. Ariana Cesare, a pelvic and obstetric physical therapist, is joining us on this episode of Playing With Fire to bust that myth, and many others, when it comes to pain and pleasure.This conversation is

182 Q&A Quickie: What should I do when my partner wants gender-based rules in non-monogamy? Dec 14, 2024 00:29:42 Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases.The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places

181 Q&A Quickie: Privacy vs. Transparency—How do I feel safer? Dec 7, 2024 00:35:23 Navigating privacy and transparency in relationships can feel like walking a tightrope—especially when you and your partners have different comfort levels with information sharing. If you've ever felt frustrated by how much (or how little) your partner shares, you're not alone!The good news? There's no "right" amount of transparency or privacy. What matters is finding agreeme

180 Hyper-Individualism vs Healthy Autonomy: Am I The A**hole? Nov 30, 2024 00:35:43 How do you tell the difference between being selfish and practicing healthy autonomy? You probably won’t be surprised to hear that it’s complicated! The line between hyper-individualism and differentiation isn’t just blurry; it’s usually impossible to judge any action one way or the other without a loooot of context (and maybe even hindsight!).To unpack this question, we have to dig deep into the

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