Love and Abuse
Paul Colaianni: Relationship and Emotional Abuse Expert 174 episodes Nov 6, 2026
Love and Abuse helps listeners identify toxic communication, emotional abuse, manipulation, and other difficult behaviors in relationships. The podcast offers perspectives from both victims and perpetrators, providing tips for friendships, family, love life, and marriage. It covers covert abusive communication, narcissistic abuse, and verbal abuse, and is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook.
Episodes
Is emotional abuse justification for an emotional affair?
When an affair surfaces alongside claims of past emotional abuse, you have two separate crises on the table. That's exactly what happened to someone who shared this challenge with me. Is one justification for the other? When you don't know whether to feel angry or ashamed, you might feel completely stuck instead.
Follow-up - You learned you're being emotionally abused. Now what?
This is a follow-up episode for 191: "You learned you're being emotionally abused. Now what?" Take time to reflect on 10 self-assessment questions based on the key themes from that episode. Pause between each question and be honest with yourself as you consider how these patterns show up in your life and relationships.
You learned you're being emotionally abused... now what?
Should you come right out and say, "Hey, you're abusing me, and you need to stop"? Hmm, that might work for a very small percentage of people. But what if it's been going on for years? What if it has become normal in the relationship? Is there a way to approach an abusive person without things going sideways?
Follow-up - When anger is used to keep you compliant
This is a follow-up episode for episode 190 - When anger is used to keep you compliant. Take time to reflect on 10 self-assessment questions based on the key themes from that episode. Pause between each question and be honest with yourself as you consider how these patterns show up in your life and relationships
When anger is used to keep you compliant
Anger in an emotionally abusive relationship raises the emotional and physical stakes. The risks are higher, and often, so is the submission and compliance.
When they lie and lie and lie
Is one lie too many? Is honesty important in your relationship? Is it so important that if they lied once, you could forgive. If they lied twice, perhaps you could get past it. But what if they simply don't stop lying? What's after that?
The early warning signs and red flags that make up an emotionally abusive relationship
Are there early warning signs that signal the strong possibility of a relationship becoming abusive? Yes. Absolutely. And you should know them. There are many, unfortunately. Knowledge is power - and this episode is all about your power.
When there's zero reprieve and it's always bad
Every single thing you do is not only not good enough, but on top of that, you're insulted, belittled, put down, and shamed in front of others. There is absolutely no reprieve from some people. It's like they don't even like you, let alone love you.
In the never-ending rut of hoping they change
When you're exposed to toxic behavior day after day, you get stuck in a rut with walls so high that you feel like you can never get out. Sometimes a slight shift in mindset allows you to find the first stepping stone toward the top. It may take a while, but there is a path out of the in-the-rut thinking.
Can you get past more aggressive or physical abuse?
Physical abuse is the totality of all abuse in one package. It's violent and extremely damaging. And the victim of such aggressive behavior can literally be scarred for life. I hope you never experience anything like it. But if you have, this episode may be helpful to you.
When the relationship boundaries are broken a second time
Someone's obsession of you can be disastrous
It can feel amazing when someone focuses entirely on you, supporting you, helping you achieve whatever makes you happy... until it turns into a nightmare.
Isolating you from everything and everyone, leaving you a shell of your former self
Isolation is one of the more destructive forms of emotional abuse, yet many people don't realize it's happening. They simply notice they no longer feel happy or fulfilled. Understanding how isolation works gives you the foundation to make decisions from a place of empowered knowledge instead of from a place someone else has put you in.
They call me names, put me down, tell me how pathetic I am - I guess I'm the problem.mp3
Are you the problem if nothing you do is ever right or good enough? Could they possibly be right about everything they're saying? If you believe this, please listen to this episode. It might just save you a lot of doubt and confusion.
It's me or them: When someone wants to control your relationship with others
When someone wants to control who you see by giving you an ultimatum between them and "me", you might have a hard choice to make. Or, maybe it's an easy choice, but it might be hard to get there from here.
Being called a bad parent if you want to leave the abusive relationship
You realize the relationship isn't going to work out and want to leave, but you're worried about being called a bad parent. Not only that, you are guaranteed to be called a bad parent by an abusive partner. Are you stuck in this relationship forever?
I don't want to hurt the person who hurts me by leaving them
Your heart is big. And your kindness and compassion, though amazing qualities, can also keep you in situations that are unhealthy for you. When you're afraid you're going to hurt someone by leaving them, there's a bigger picture to keep in mind.
The feeling that you lost a big chunk of your life to the abusive person
It's hard enough to be in a difficult relationship, but when your boundaries are shot, your adrenals are through the roof, and lots of years have passed, you might be wondering if this entire relationship was a giant waste of time, thinking about all the things you could have or should have done instead.
Leaving an abusive person isn't easy and sometimes isn't over
It can be hard to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. The challenge is real! But what about leaving one? It might be just as hard or harder because of the unknown of what happens next.
The trauma bond keeps you lovesick and broken
A trauma bond is like being addicted to both the highs and lows, just waiting for your next fix. It's not impossible to break a trauma bond, but it can be hard as hell.
Can you still like someone who hurt you but not love them?
Can the victim of emotional abuse accept the former abuser as a friend after a lot of time has passed? I received this question from someone who used to be emotionally abusive, feels awful about it, but has been out of that relationship for years. Then she met up with her ex again, and things are different, but not in the way she expected.
Are your children being manipulated, too?
You're watching your child mirror a narcissistic parent and it feels like you're losing ground. Arguing with the lies they're being told feels pointless, but asking the right questions might just be what helps you keep your connection to your children, helping them choose empathy over manipulation.
If you don't draw the line on how much is too much, you won't have a line
How much mistreatment is too much? When your boundaries are violated over and over again, there will be a point where you have none and the sky will be the limit on someone else's hurtful and controlling behaviors.
How does an abusive person become an abusive person?
There's got to be a reason someone becomes abusive, right? All abusers abused as children... is that it? Maybe it's a mental health issue. Maybe it's none, some, or all of the above. Or maybe it's something else.
Getting conned into taking an unhealed abuser back
They've changed! They've really seemed to change. They seem like a new person so you take them back. Then you find out they were just playing the long game. Emotionally abusive people can heal if they want to. Those who don't may just come back to fool you again.
Do mutually abusive relationships have a chance?
Sometimes both people in the relationship are hurtful, controlling and manipulative. When that's the case, it's going to take more than one person stopping the behaviors, and that presents a few challenges in itself.
The superiority complex of misogynists
A unique episode about the superiority complex that drives mysogny in abusive relationships, why abusive people target those they perceive as weaker, and how their insecurity fuels the need to control and dominate.
When you won't see an emotionally abusive person change
You can't fix what's unwilling to be fixed. And when someone would rather you and the relationship suffer and crumble than work on improving themselves, you might have only one choice left.
Did you sign up for a life of indentured servitude?
If you feel trapped in a maze of emotional manipulation, hoping for a change that never comes, you might realize you've signed up for something you didn't expect and certainly don't want. There's a history lesson in this episode that may give you all you need to know for what the future holds for your relationship.
They say they love you but they hurt you anyway
Some people seem to care but then do awful things. When they do, it's hard not to question if they love you at all.
I feel like a bad person for being abusive back
Sometimes emotionally abusive people heal and change. Sometimes they just... change. Either way, when the victim of their behavior gets a "break", they might discover a lot of buried emotions that are just itching to come out.
The healed emotional abuser is more than just a behavioral change
I've seen emotionally abusive people heal and become completely different people. You wouldn't even recognize them! And when you no longer recognize the person who's hurt you over and over again, that might be a very good thing.
Do we talk about divorce during the argument or the calm period
When you've decided to leave the emotionally abusive relationship, when is the best time to bring it up? During the storm or the calm?
Do I accept that this is how theyll be forever
Some behaviors are unacceptable. Some people are unacceptable. Just what should you accept and what should you do when you can't? Emotional abuse has a tendency to make you feel completely powerless, unable to make such decisions.
When its impossible to get away from all the toxic behavior
Some relationships end but continue leaving destruction in their wake. Some don't end and you suffer through the daily drip-feeding of emotionally abusive behaviors until you lose your sanity. When there's no way away from all the toxicity, what can you do?
Dont call them what they really are, it will work against you
Calling a duck a duck makes sense. But this logic works against you in the emotionally abusive relationship. Calling out an abusive person for who they are might just turn the whole thing around on you.
Total defeat and burnout in the emotionally abusive relationship
Every relationship should have stopping points when you feel yourself slipping away. Emotional abuse operates as a slow drip-feeding of toxic behaviors that gradually erode boundaries.
When you are a captive audience to the emotionally abusive monologuer
The endless monologue of some emotionally abusive people is a tactic that keeps you silent and submissive. It's designed to wear you down until you finally give in.
Ive stopped being abusive, let's have sex
Some emotionally abusive people do heal. And once they do, they might feel the relationship will be great from that point on. What they don't consider is that the victim of their abusive behavior is only starting their healing process.
Don't gaslight yourself into thinking you're the abuser
The emotionally abusive relationship is confusing and draining. If you don't get a grip on what's going on, you may start to believe perhaps you are the problem and they are a saint. Let's fix that faulty thinking.
The feelings of guilt and shame after leaving the abusive person
If you've ever questioned how to forgive yourself for choosing your own well-being over an abusive partner, you're not alone. If you're feeling guilt or shame for leaving an abusive person, this is an important episode to listen to.
Breaking the trauma bond can be hard as hell
If you find yourself obsessively attached to someone who hurts you, is it a sign of a trauma bond? I'll tackle this challenging subject, shedding light on why you might stay in a relationship despite enduring hurtful behavior and what this could mean for your sense of self-worth and emotional well-being.
Can you heal from severe abuse while still in a severely abusive situation?
Some people will deflect blame and make you feel like the problem. In this episode, I dive into this subject by examining a heart-wrenching story from a listener whose partner's jealousy turned violent, leaving her questioning the future of their relationship and her path to healing.
Why you may not be ready to call it abuse when it is abuse
The emotionally abusive relationship can sometimes be hard to define. How long must abusive behavior go on before actually admit that what's really happening is abuse?
Do you end the relationship because they won't?
How do you know when it's time to instigate a split? If your partner's behavior leaves you feeling oppressed and defeated, and they refuse to change, and they also don't want to end the relationship, then what?
The breadcrumbing of relationships' past
Breadcrumbing can be a manipulative way to keep someone in your mind so that you can't fully move forward, keeping you as a pawn in another person's game. In this episode, a person wrote to me talking about their ex, a 13-year breadcrumber!
The language patterns of the abusive person
The way someone talks about their relationship reveals a lot. Abuse victims and perpetrators each have their own language patterns. Knowing these language patterns will help you understand on which side of the fence you're on.
Can you ever go back to who you were?
In abusive relationships it might be difficult or even impossible to discern which parts of yourself are truly you and which are shaped by the abuse. Let's talk about what it takes to start building or rebuilding your identity.
Never trust someone who wants to change who you are
You walk into an emotionally abusive relationship as one person, but where do you go after you're in one for a while? Is the person you're with trying to change you into someone you're not?
The love of my life is the abuser in my life
Love can feel like a double-edged sword, cutting deep despite the tender moments. Or is that really love? Caring and kindness mixed with toxic, controlling behaviors create a dangerous emotional cocktail of bonding and trauma.
Can someone change even after they've done something terrible to you?
They did the worst thing imaginable and now want you to stay in their life. Is it possible they can change? Should you give them a chance?
You being the center of their attention is most of the problem
What does it take for an abusive person to change? A whole lot (if they even want to change), but this one component of healing is often one of the hardest for them to stop. Their consistent focus on you can make their healing and change much more difficult, let alone having no time and space to heal yourself.
When someone wants to change who you are
The one-off difficulties in relationships are perfectly normal for everyone. They're not welcome, necessarily, but normal. But what happens when the "one-offs" become systemic? What happens when they are non-stop? That's when changes are inevitable.
The empty threats that keep the abuse cycle alive
When they threaten to leave or take something away from you, but they never follow through, expect them to repeat that behavior indefinitely. Empty threats are effective on those who fear them coming true. There is a way to stop the empty threats (but you probably won't like it).
Trying to figure out who the emotionally abusive person really is in the relationship
You'd think it'd be easy to figure out: The hurtful one is the abusive one. But what happens when the victim gets convinced they are the abuser? Determining that while in the abuse cycle can sometimes be very difficult. However, I make it very clear in this episode.
When a relationship is not a relationship
"Everything's great with me," they say, as you sit there staring, confused, wondering what the hell you're missing because you're having a completely different experience as them. When is a relationship not an actual relationship anymore?
Don't lock yourself into a worse situation
When you get into an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no idea what you're walking into. When you figure it out, you might have to make some tough choices. One of those choices might lead to getting deeper into something you know is bad for you.
Why abusive people need to maintain power and control over you
Some people just won't stop being hurtful. Why won't they stop? Are they just terrible people we have to accept and move on? Power and control is their M.O. and it's important you know why. For some there is hope. For others, well, it may take a lot more than hope to see change. https://loveandabuse.com
Those who hurt you have poor coping skills so give them a break... right?
Hurt people hurt people, so we should have compassion when they hurt us, right? You know the answer and I know the answer. How does the person who is hurting you start to change and heal, though? Lots to unpack here.
The gradual shift from who you were to who you became in the emotionally abusive relationship
The person you were before the difficult relationship almost always looks and feels different than the person you became while in the difficult relationship. And losing that part of yourself may make you think there's no way back. Sometimes, you can't even remember who you used to be.
The growing resentment that can build when their hurtful behaviors never end
When someone keeps hurting you, you might blame yourself and think if you were only better, they'd stop. But as their hurtful behavior continues, resentment builds and you start questioning everything about yourself.
Are you the reason someone is hurtful to you?
What is the cause of mistreatment in a relationship? Do you think it's possible you are reason someone is hurting you or trying to change you? If so, you need to listen to this episode. There are many reasons this is happening, but...
When someone destroys what makes you happy
What do you do when someone shatters something that brought you joy? In this episode, I talk about understanding your limits in relationships and recognizing when resilience becomes a liability rather than a strength. It's important you know how to navigate toward making the right decisions for you and those you love.
What makes taking a break from the relationship work?
Is there a path out of being stuck in the whirlwind of a toxic relationship? Maybe taking a step back and out of the situation a while will help you gain clarity and reconnect with yourself. What happens when you never get away from the toxicity, though? Can you ever get a clear mind?
When you can barely take care of yourself let alone give them what they want
What if you're doing all you can to maintain your own health and well-being but you have someone in your life who a consistent drain on your mental and emotional health? Can you rebuild your energy or do you have to accept that it may never stop and you may have to make tougher choices about the relationship?
When they shower you with love after they've done bad behavior
How can you tell if your partner's affection is genuine or a manipulation tactic? Love bombing usually takes place at the beginning of a relationship to create a strong bond between an abusive person and their victim. But it can also be used to get away with bad behavior in long-term relationships as well.
When you decide enough is enough - the first step isn't the last
The victim of abusive behavior will eventually reach their breaking point. In that moment, they finally feel like they can take their life back. But they may still not be out of the woods yet during the transition from victim to empowered.
What change really looks like when the emotional abuser heals
The healed former emotional abuser looks a lot different than the person they used to be. If you've ever accepted a hurtful person back into your life after they said they've changed but notice after a short while that their old behaviors are creeping back in, you might have missed an important clue that they haven't changed at all.
Feeling discarded when they leave the relationship
Why does it seem so easy for some people to leave a relationship, get into another one, and act as if the one they were in didn't mean anything? If you've felt discarded and can't stop thinking about what you did wrong, this episode is a good reminder of everything you were doing right.
When the emotional abuser reaches back out after they've healed and changed
When the emotional abuser apologizes and tries to make amends with their ex-partner after they've done a lot of personal growth and development, should they expect a response from their ex? Is that expecting too much? Or is it time for all to move on and start anew?
Time with yourself is not only necessary, its required
You give, you adapt, and you change who you are almost to your very core... to what end? When you are overly compassionate to others, you might actually be taking away from yourself. This is as harmful to your mind as a lack of sleep is to your body.
Emotionally abusive behavior is also physically painful
Victims of emotional abuse can experience physical pain from all the trauma, potentially leading to increased tolerance and resilience of harm. They can gradually lose their identity due to the abuser's actions, becoming a shell of their former selves.
When the good you do for them leads nowhere
Some emotionally abusive people don't change, no matter how much the victim of their hurtful behavior changes for them. Is there ever a point where they will be the person you want them to be? Or does anything you do really matter at all?
A clever manipulation tactic that makes you believe you are the problem
There's a clever manipulation that can happen in some emotionally abusive relationships. It starts with superficial kindness and vague promises and leads to blameshifting and avoiding true accountability. This very subtle form of gaslighting will drive you crazy. I'll share with you how to spot it.
When you think you're strong enough to get back into the difficult relationship
When you reach your breaking point with someone, you might make the decision to leave. During that time, you can regain your confidence and feel your power again. You might even decide to give the relationship a second chance, knowing that if you see any warning signs, you can address them right away. That is until you are once again coerced into staying in a situation that seems destined to go d
How emotional abuse can enter your life like an infection
Sometimes, you can't see the red flags before you're hurt. Emotional abuse can be like an infection that enters your body. You may not know it's there until a lot of time has passed, and you've invested a lot into the relationship. In this episode, I share how emotional abuse acts like an infection entering your body and mind and help you understand the environment in which such an emotional infec
If you don't know your limits, you wont have any
It can be hard to draw a line in a toxic relationship. Don't make your emotional resilience a prison of your own making. Your personal boundaries are there for a reason. Often, the only way things will change is if you do something because they won't
When they go silent and emotionally disconnect from you
When the emotionally abusive person goes silent in order to make you feel guilty and give them the attention they want, do they have a deeper motive of self-preservation? When abusers use silence to control you, there's a lot going on under the hood. In this episode, I share my personal history of using the silent treatment to control the people I claimed to love.
Should you give in to their perception of you?
Some people are so wrapped up in their need to control you that they completely overlook your worth and importance. They can be so busy keeping you focused on yourself and everything you're doing "wrong," that you might actually start to believe what they're saying about you.
Their past trauma and abuse isn't the immediate issue in the relationship
The emotionally abusive person can have a traumatic past. Their abusive behaviors can have an abusive origin. Is it better to help them address their past to stop their behaviors toward you? It's an important question that you should definitely want to know the answer to.
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