Pillow Talks
Vanessa and Xander Marin are a couple who share their relationship experiences and offer practical advice on sex and intimacy. Vanessa is a sex therapist with two decades of experience, while Xander provides a relatable, non-expert perspective. Together, they discuss the ups and downs of their own relationship and provide step-by-step techniques for improving yours. The podcast covers sex tips, relationship advice, and honest stories about what happens behind closed doors.
Episodes
E283: Reverse Cowgirl: Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Maximum Pleasure
Ready to turn things around in the bedroom?
We're talking reverse cowgirl, and trust us, there's a LOT more to this position than simply facing the other direction.
Where do your legs go? How do you keep your partner from popping out? And what exactly is he supposed to be doing while you're up there?
We're answering all your burning questions about Reverse Cowgirl, including a few you probably
E282: Is This Normal? He Made AI Sex Videos of Us, and I Have Questions
Your husband creates AI videos of the two of you having sex. You're only having sex four times a year. Or you tried a new position once, hated it, and have absolutely no interest in giving it another shot.
Is this normal?!
We're back with another round of Is This Normal?, where we answer your real-life sex and relationship questions and get into all the things you've been wondering about.
And t
E281: Am I the Asshole? Kissing After Oral, Weight Gain, and Bad Sex
Would you kiss your partner after they went down on you? What would you do if your partner wasn't enjoying the sex you were having? And how would you handle it if weight gain started affecting your physical intimacy?
Oh, we've got some opinions about these ones.
It's time for another round of Am I the Asshole?, where we read your real-life relationship stories, unpack the bedroom disagreements,
E280: The Initiation Mistakes You Don’t Even Realize You’re Making
Initiating sex in your relationship should feel exciting, not frustrating. But for most couples, it’s anything but smooth.
Whether you're feeling stuck, rejected, or just plain awkward when it comes to getting things started in the bedroom, today’s episode is here to help!
We surveyed our audience, and only 17% of people said they’re happy with how initiation is going in their relationship.
E279: Ask a Sex Therapist: Kink Icks, Spicy Pics, and Vanilla Sex
Would you tell your partner if their kink gave you the ick? What if their foreplay technique wasn't quite doing it for you? And is it normal for sex to be just okay most of the time?
Oh, we've got some GOOD questions for you today.
We're back with another round of Ask a Sex Therapist, answering the questions you've been sending us about sex, pleasure, and all those things you might be a little t
E278: How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut: Your 4-Week Plan
Your conversations have turned into a running list of who's handling what, and your quality time is two people on one couch looking at two different screens. 44% of the couples we polled said they're in a rut right now too.
So we built you a four-week plan, five minutes a day, plus the exact words to use if you're the one who has to bring it up.
In this episode, you'll hear:
The differen
E277: How to Take Your Orgasm to the Next Level with the Four Orgasm Amplifiers
Every once in a while an orgasm hits you like a freight train, and you lie there afterward wondering what on earth that was and why you can't do it again.
What if that wasn't luck?
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets
Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping
E276: How Do You Turn Your Partner On? (When You've Been Together For Years)
At the start of a relationship, turning your partner on felt like it took basically no effort.
So what do you do a decade in, when you've watched each other fart and floss, and nothing seems to happen on its own anymore?
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why nothing sexy happens spontaneously after about six months, and what has to replace it
The thing you have to clear out of the way bef
E275: Reasonable or Ridiculous? Sex Quotas, Oral Every Time, and Dirty Talk Dealbreakers
It's time for another round of Reasonable or Ridiculous, where we take real life couple disagreements our community members just can't settle and play referee.
In this episode, you'll hear:
Can you ask your partner to start initiating again after you spent years shutting them down?
A monthly quota for sex: reasonable or red flag?
Oral every single time: too much to ask or not a bi
E274: Is it Normal to Not Orgasm During Sex? We Got Attacked for Talking About This
We recently shared a reel answering a question from a woman who didn’t orgasm during sex. The comments section turned into something we've never experienced in over ten years of doing this, including one accusation we still can't believe we had to respond to.
In this episode, you'll hear:
The one line in that reel that set the whole thing off
The accusation that hurt more than anything
E273: How to Try New Sex Positions Without Killing the Mood
This week we're answering all your questions about trying new positions, from how to introduce something new when you've been together forever, to why switching things up can kill the mood, to the pillow trick that changes everything, plus how many positions you actually need for great sex.
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
🛏️ How to introduce new positions when you've been together forever
E272: What Do Men Really Think About….? (Part 5) Rough Sex, Vibrators, and What Turns Them Off
It’s time for another episode of What Do Men Really Think About… and Xander’s back in the hot seat to answer your burning questions about preferences, fantasies, the death grip, and how to give better feedback in bed.
Plus, we’re giving you questions to share with your partner to help you get on the same page and build your goals for your sex life!
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
🔥 D
E271: The Real Reason You Can't "Let Go" in Bed
You're finally in bed together, but you can’t stop thinking about tomorrow's to-do list.
We've all heard the advice to “just let go”. Stop thinking, stop controlling, lose yourself.
But 80% of you tell us that you struggle to actually do that.
So we're saying something a little controversial this week: "just let go" might be the worst sex advice out there. Listen in to learn what actually hel
E270: The 5 Silent Relationship Killers That Turn Partners Into Roommates
We ran a poll and 67% of couples told us they feel more like roommates than partners.
This week we're walking through our D.R.I.F.T. Framework: the 5 silent relationship killers that chip away at intimacy, plus the small shifts that bring you back to each other.
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
The full D.R.I.F.T. Framework and why that 67% roommate stat lands so hard for so many couples
E269: Tie-Breakers: We Referee Your Realest Relationship Standoffs
Every couple has that one thing they’ll argue about until the end of time. TV in the bedroom. How to load the dishwasher. Can men and women just be friends? 👀
We asked our community to send us the disagreements they just can’t seem to settle with their partner, and today we’re weighing in as your official referees.
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
💋 Is oral foreplay or the main event?
E268: Ask Us Anything: Only Fans, The Ick, & Creeps In The Comments
It’s Xander’s birthday! And this week for our Ask Us Anything episode, we decided to answer some of your personal questions!
This one really pulls back the curtain on us as a couple. Ready for honest reactions, beyond real talk, and more than a little oversharing?
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
Whether we've ever set foot in a swingers or sex club
If we’re starting an Only Fans
E267: The Hygiene Episode
Should I shower first? Is this normal? Why does it smell like that?
This week we're going there with zero judgment, answering your real hygiene and sex questions one by one.
Nobody taught us how to actually take care of our bodies for sex. Not our parents, not health class, not anyone. And so we've been left to piece it together ourselves, often while carrying a whole lot of shame that doesn't b
E266: Ask a Sex Therapist (Part 3) Sex Pillows, Squirting, and Standing-Up Sex
You send us your most "I can't believe I'm actually asking this" questions, and we live for it.
So we're back with the third edition of Ask a Sex Therapist, going rapid-fire through as many of them as we can, with real answers, tips, and stories.
No question is too awkward, too niche, or too "is it too late to ask this at my age?"
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
What "tossed salad" a
E265: Is This Cheating? (Part 3) Emotional Affairs, Secret Texts, and Sneaky DMs
Have you and your partner ever actually sat down and defined what counts as cheating?
Most of us never do, which is exactly why the gray areas get so complicated.
We're back with Part 3 of Is This Cheating?, weighing in on your trickiest, most "wait, is that okay?" scenarios.
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
Why every couple has to define cheating for themselves, and the talks most people
E264: What Women Really Think About... Part 3
So we're back with Part 3 of What Do Women Really Think About…?, giving you the honest answers women don't always say out loud.
From the mental load to mirror selfies, nothing’s off limits.
💛 In this episode, you'll hear:
Whether women actually want a "book boyfriend," or if that fantasy is better left on the page?
The real deal on mental load: is it running in the background ever
E263: How to Have More Fun in Your Relationship
When was the last time you and your partner did something purely for fun? Not productive, not logistical, not about the kids, just fun.
If you had to think about it for a beat, you're not alone. Most long-term couples slowly drift from enjoying each other to managing life together, and fun is usually the first thing to quietly disappear.
In this episode, we're talking about why couples lose
E262: The Sex Personality Quiz Every Couple Needs (And What Your Type Says About You)
Ever feel like you and your partner are speaking totally different languages when it comes to sex? One of you wants spontaneity, the other needs to feel emotionally close first. One of you craves novelty, the other finds comfort in what already works.
Here's the thing: it's probably not about compatibility. It's about your sex personality types.
In this episode, we walk you through all five type
E261: ED, PE & Everything In Between: Your Performance Problems Solved (Part 2)
The response to our first episode on penis performance problems was so big that we knew we had to come back for round two.
In this episode, we're getting into the practical stuff: what to do in the moment when things aren't going as planned, how to keep your sex life feeling connected and fun even when performance issues are in the mix, and how both partners can show up for each other without m
E260: How To Orgasm Like A Man: Breaking The Blocks That Keep Women Stuck
For a lot of women, orgasm feels like this mysterious thing that either happens or it doesn't. Nobody taught you how. And somewhere along the way, you picked up the idea that your pleasure is complicated, too demanding, or just... less important.
But here's what we want you to hear: that's NOT true.
In this episode, we reframe the whole conversation, asking what it would look like if women a
E259: Sex and Intimacy After Kids: What Actually Works (From Parents Who've Figured It Out)
This one's for the sleep-deprived, the time-starved, the diaper-changing, homework-helping parents who still want to feel like a couple.
We see you. And we asked our community to help us show up for you in a big way.
In this episode, we're reading real responses from real parents — practical, doable ideas and a little tough love for making intimacy a priority again, even with kids in the hou
E258: Weed, Alcohol, and Sex: What's Actually Happening to Your Body and Desire
Whether it's a glass of wine to take the edge off or a gummy to get out of your head, a lot of people use substances to feel more relaxed, more connected, or more in the mood.
But there's a lot more happening under the surface than most people realize.
In this episode, we're pulling back the sheets on how alcohol and marijuana actually affect desire, arousal, communication, and orgasm — includin
E257: Am I The Asshole? Oversharing, Snoring, and Body Shaming
One of our favorite series is back.
You sent us your wildest, messiest, most "wait… am I the problem here?" relationship stories. And we have opinions.
We're talking about a wife who's been sharing intimate details about her husband with her entire family for years (but only good things, so it's fine… right?). A partner who was a little too honest about his wife's body (brutal). Neighbors ba
E256: Doggy Style: Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Maximum Pleasure
Let's talk about doggy style.
It's one of the most popular positions out there. It can feel intense, wild, and incredibly hot.
But it also comes with a lot of questions. Is it supposed to slip out that much? Why does it feel too deep? What if you queef? What about the… view?
Yeah. We're going there.
In this episode, we're covering everything you need to know about doggy style. How to g
E255: The Sexiest Thing You're Not Doing in Bed…Mutual Masturbation
Only 36% of our audience says they've tried mutual masturbation.
Which means most of you are missing out on one of the most erotic, intimate, and surprisingly easy things you can do with your partner.
It sounds intimidating. Maybe even a little awkward. But here's the thing: it doesn't have to be.
In this episode, we're breaking down what mutual masturbation actually is, why it's so hot, and ex
E254: Couples Coaching: Why Resentment Is Killing Your Sex Life
We're back with another real-life couples coaching session.
Have you ever gotten to a point where sex doesn't just feel uninteresting… it feels like something you actively resent?
Where you love your partner but the thought of being touched makes you want to crawl out of your skin?
That's what's going on here. And there is so much underneath it.
We're talking about what happens when orgasm has
E253: Ask A Sex Therapist: dry spells, sex pillows, and morning sex
We do weekly “ask us anything” boxes over on Instagram… and let’s just say… you all really show up with the questions 😏
Today, we’re bringing your q’s to the podcast and diving into them for real.
We’re talking about everything from sex pillows to dry spells, morning sex mismatches, body confidence, toys, and what to do when your partner just isn’t that into the resources you know could be helpf
E252: Don’t Give Your Kids “The Talk” (do this instead)
Most parents dread “the talk.”
How much are you supposed to say? When do you start? What if you say the wrong thing?
If you’ve ever felt awkward, unprepared, or secretly hoped your kid would just… figure it out somewhere else — you’re not alone.
But here’s the truth: talking to your kids about sex doesn’t make them reckless. Research shows it does the opposite. It reduces risky behavior,
E251: What’s Your Desire Type? Our NEW Framework for Understanding What You and Your Partner Really Want
We’re talking about something that explains so much of the tension couples feel around sex and desire.
And no — it’s not about having a “high” or “low” libido.
Desire isn’t as simple as being “in the mood” or not. It’s shaped by how desire shows up for you — in your brain or your body — and when you want intimacy — before or after emotional connection.
When you combine those two dynamics, you g
E250: What Do Men Really Think About…? Part 4 (Heated Rivalry, mental load + areolas)
Ever wish you could get a straight answer about what’s actually going on in his head? 🧠
We’re back with Part 4 of our “What Do Men Really Think About…?” series — and this time we’re diving into everything from Heated Rivalry and seeing gay sex on screen… to mental load, breadwinning, and why it takes them so long to poop.
💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:
How men feel about watching gay sex
E249: Help! I can’t orgasm with my partner. What do I do?
Not orgasming with your partner is way more common than most people realize.
And for a lot of women, it turns into one of three coping strategies.
Faking. Doing nothing. Or convincing yourself it’s “not a big deal.”
In today’s episode, we’re talking about why so many women struggle to orgasm in partnered sex — even in loving, committed relationships — and how those patterns quietly shape your c
E248: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner (Without Making It Weird)
Life has been a lot lately.
So today, we’re digging into the archives and bringing back one of the most important episodes we’ve ever recorded: how to talk about sex.
Because communication is the thing that keeps connection alive. And these conversations don’t have to feel awkward, heavy, or like you’re about to start a fight.
When you know how to do it right, talking about sex can actually be
E247: Our Recent Foreplay Discoveries (and how to explore more)
We’ve been experimenting more in our own bedroom lately, and in today’s episode, we’re pulling back the covers on what we’ve discovered.
The things that surprised us. The moments that felt a little vulnerable. And the small shifts that brought a big boost of curiosity and connection.
Exploration doesn’t have to mean doing anything extreme or intimidating. If you love the idea of trying somet
E246: How To Stay Connected When The World Feels Like It’s Burning
Lately, we’ve been hearing from so many of you in our DMs. People are telling us they feel guilty wanting pleasure. Ashamed for craving closeness.
Disconnected from their bodies and their partners because the world feels overwhelming, violent, and unstable.
Others have told us they know their relationship matters, but caring about their sex life feels hard when so much is happening globally.
Ma
E245: What It’s Really Like to Start TRT: Xander’s Testosterone Journey
Testosterone is one of those topics that feels loaded.
It’s tangled up in masculinity, aging, sex drive, energy, mood… and a whole lot of misinformation. Because of that, many men quietly wonder if something is off — but feel embarrassed, unsure, or afraid to even ask the question.
So today, we’re having a very real conversation.
In this episode, Xander is sharing his personal testosteron
E244: How To Schedule Sex (our hot take)
If the thought of scheduling sex makes you cringe a little… we get that a lot.
You might be thinking..
“Ugh. That’s so unromantic.” or… “NOT hot.” or… “If we have to schedule it, something must be wrong with our relationship.”
We’re here to today to give you our hot take on our favorite controversial relationship topic. And yes… we’re going to try to change your mind.
In this episode, we’re br
E243: Your Biggest Marriage Regrets (And How To Prevent Them)
Most marriage regrets don’t show up as explosive fights. They show up quietly.
Feeling more like roommates than partners.
Wondering when sex started feeling complicated… or nonexistent.
Noticing resentment creeping in and asking yourself… “Is this just how marriage is supposed to feel?”
In today’s episode, we’re getting into the marriage regrets and mistakes people hold close to their chests…
E242: Penis Performance Problems: What’s Really Going On (And What To Do About It)
Penis performance issues are way more common than most people realize… and way more misunderstood than they need to be.
Today’s episode came straight from your questions — from trouble getting or keeping an erection, to finishing too quickly (or not at all), to the stress, shame, and “what does this mean about us?” thoughts that sneak in — we’re breaking it all down.
This episode is about unders
E241: Sex Fails: Car Hookups, Clap Lights, and Cowgirl Concussions
It’s been a while since we last covered some of your funniest sex fails… and honestly, we forgot just how creative things can get when pants come off.
We asked, and you absolutely delivered by sending in your funniest, wildest, and most unfiltered stories. We’re diving straight into the deep end today — from the “I cannot believe this happened” moments to the genuine mishaps — and breaking down s
E240: The Body Confidence Episode - How To Feel Good In Your Skin During Sex
It’s officially that time of year when the New Year buzz is everywhere. Your feeds are full of fitness goals, habit resets, and “new year, new me” energy. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel healthier or build new routines, this season also tends to stir up a lot of feelings about our bodies… especially when it comes to intimacy.
So today, we’re bringing back one of our most popu
E239: Breaking Down A Real-Life Text Fight (pt. 3)
Text fights hit different.
There’s something about seeing the exact words—line by line, timestamped, impossible to deny—that makes communication breakdowns painfully clear.
In today’s episode, we’re breaking down a real text fight sent in by a community member. We walk through what went right, what went wrong, and where things quietly went off the rails long before anyone realized they were “arg
E238: Ask a Sex Therapist: Cycle Libido, Rough Sex & How to Sync Up Your O’s
Every week on Instagram we host “Ask Us Anything” question boxes… and every week we’re hit with hundreds of incredible questions we can’t possibly get to in Stories.
So today we’re pulling back the curtain and taking some of those unanswered Qs and going deep — giving you the nuance, context, tips, reassurance, and real-talk sex ed you wish you got in health class.
This episode is a true mix
E237: The Real Reason You’re Not Having More Sex
Having more sex isn’t actually about libido.
(We know — that’s what everyone thinks the issue is.)
In today’s episode, we’re breaking down what really gets in the way of wanting sex more often — and what you can do about it that doesn’t feel forced, pressured, or performative. We share the exact strategies we teach inside Deeper, all built around making connection feel easier, pleasure feel
E236: Sex with Other People…Around: Our Holiday Do’s and Don’ts
It’s the season of gratitude, family time… and figuring out how to have sex quietly. 😅
This Thanksgiving, we’re throwing it back to one of our most iconic early episodes — all about having sex when other people are around. Whether you’re hosting the in-laws, crashing at your parents’ place, or sharing a wall with your roommates, this one’s for you.
💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:
Whether
E235: How Your Phone Is Secretly Sabotaging Your Connection (and what to do about it)
What if the biggest barrier to intimacy in your relationship isn’t stress, exhaustion, or mismatched libidos… but your phone?
In this week’s episode, we’re trying something that might feel a little controversial (and honestly, uncomfortable): no screens before sex.
Yep — for seven days, we challenged ourselves to put down the devices before any kind of intimacy, whether that meant sex, cuddling,
E234: Tie Breakers: Passwords, Period Sex, and Passenger Princesses (We’re Settling It Once and for All)
This week we’re bringing back one of our favorite games, Tie-Breakers!
You sent in the recurring arguments that pop up again and again in your relationship — the ones that never seem to die no matter how many times you talk about them — and now we’re stepping in to make the final call.
From sharing phone passwords to whether it’s really that big of a deal to be 5–10 minutes late, we’re tackling
E233: Our Most Viral Tips (That Actually Changed People’s Sex Lives)
Whether you’ve been with us from the start or just found the podcast, this episode is basically a cheat sheet for a better sex life.
We pulled together the best of the best from hundreds of episodes — the tips, tools, and “aha” moments that have completely transformed our community’s sex lives. From the rule that saved our date nights to the mindset shifts that made intimacy feel easy again, we
E232: Trick or Treat: The Bedroom Edition
This week’s episode is a little spooky, a little silly, and a whole lot of sexy.
Since Halloween is tomorrow, we’re bringing you a “Trick or Treat: Smash or Pass” edition of Pillow Talks. We’re running through a list of playful, sometimes weird, and definitely conversation-starting ideas for you and your partner to try in the bedroom (or… maybe not).
From holding water in your mouth during a
E231: When Life Gets Heavy (A Personal Update)
We’ve always promised to keep things real with you — the good, the messy, and everything in between.
And lately… life has been life-ing.
In this episode, we’re opening up about what’s been going on behind the scenes — especially with Vanessa’s dad’s health — and how we’ve been navigating this season both personally and as a couple.
We’ll talk about what’s next for our family, the emotiona
E230 How to Actually Enjoy Oral Sex (Without Overthinking It)
Let’s talk about oral.
We’ve all had those moments where oral feels way more awkward than arousing. You’re lying there, overthinking everything: Do I smell weird? What do I do with my hands? Is my partner secretly counting down the seconds until it’s over?
Sound familiar? Yeah… you’re definitely not alone.
In this episode, we’re getting into the real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous reasons
E229: Ask A Sex Therapist: Swallowing, Fetishes, + Exes
Every week on Instagram, we host “Ask Us Anything” sessions. And honestly? We get way more questions than we could ever answer in stories.
So today, we’re bringing some of those unanswered Qs straight to the podcast to give you deeper answers, real stories, and the honest, judgment-free advice you’ve been waiting for.
Get ready, because we’re tackling some of your biggest, wildest curiosities ab
E228: Breaking Down A Real-Life Text Fight (pt 2.)
You’ve been there: the dreaded text fight.
One message gets misread, emotions spike, and suddenly you’re both typing paragraphs instead of actually talking.
In this episode, we’re breaking down a real-life text fight between a couple navigating mismatched sex drives, rejection, and the heavy mental load of parenting. You’ll hear the raw back-and-forth and get our thoughts on what worked, wha
E227: Initiation: What You’re Getting Wrong And How To Get It Right
Hot take: when you finally get initiation right, your entire sex life opens up.
Think about it. No more awkward “was that supposed to be a signal?” moments. No more pressure on just one person to get things started. And no more cycle of rejection and resentment. When initiation feels fun, confident, and mutual, everything else in your sex life starts to feel easier, more connected, and a lot mo
E226: Foreplay Frustrations: How to Get More (and Better) Foreplay
Did you know that 64% of people say they want more foreplay than they currently get? And most people say they wish it was part of every sexual experience.
No wonder foreplay frustrations are so common. Maybe it feels too short, too routine, or like your partner just doesn’t quite “get it.”
The truth? Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up. It’s one of the most powerful ways to feel connected, build antic
E225: The Truth About Sex and Aging: Menopause, Erectile Dysfunction, and Libido
Aging is inevitable. But letting your sex life fade away? Nope.
This week, we’re tackling one of our most requested topics ever: sex and aging.
We’re answering your biggest questions about how intimacy shifts as the years go by: from libido changes, to navigating menopause, to keeping things hot.
💛 In this episode, we cover:
How old is too old to have sex (spoiler: never)
What to d
E224: The Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys & Tools
There is absolutely zero shame in using toys in the bedroom. In fact, they can be a game-changer for pleasure, intimacy, and just plain fun.
Whether you’re curious about where to start, nervous about how your partner might react, or worried about your kids (or pets!) discovering your stash, we’re covering it all in today’s episode.
We’re also sharing some of the funniest (and most relatable) rea
E223: Sex After Baby: Postpartum Sex, Intimacy & Desire
The postpartum stage can be one of the hardest (and least talked about) seasons a couple will ever go through.
Your relationship changes. Your body changes. Your sex life changes.
And with all of that comes a swirl of feelings you might not have expected:
Resentment toward your partner
A crushing imbalance in the mental load
Feeling “touched out” 24/7
Nervousness (or fear)
E222: The AI Girlfriend: How to Protect Your Relationship from Artificial Intimacy
Imagine this: your partner sits you down and says they want to open your marriage…
Not for a real-life person.
But for their AI companion.
Sounds like a Black Mirror episode, right? But it’s real.
In today’s episode, we’re diving into the wild, complicated, and very real intersection of AI and relationships.
From romantic connections with chatbots to emotional venting with AI companions, tech
E221: How to Explore Your Kinks Without Shame (Cuckolding, Pegging, Breeding, and more)
Ever wondered why you have a certain kink? Or if it’s OK to fantasize about someone else during sex? Or maybe you’ve been curious about cuckolding, breeding kinks, or pegging… but didn’t know who to ask.
Well some of you asked us! And today, we’re answering your questions about kinks and fantasies.
From the psychology of desire to navigating mismatches with your partner, we’re tackling the wild,
E220: A Partner’s Guide To The Female Orgasm
The female orgasm: we’ve talked about it a lot over the years, but it never stops being one of the most requested, most misunderstood, and most fascinating topics we cover.
In this episode, we’re flipping the script and looking at orgasm through a partner’s eyes. What does it mean to be supportive? How can you tell if she’s actually orgasming? And why is it so inconsistent? We’re answering your m
E219: The Truth About Female Orgasm: Your Q’s Answered!
You’ve probably heard people say, “Oh, you’ll just know.”
But what if… you don’t know? 👀
This week, we’re diving deep into one of Vanessa’s all-time favorite topics (and the one she first became known for as a sex therapist!): the female orgasm. Whether you’re wondering if you’ve ever actually had one, struggling to feel much of anything, or just desperate to experience the kind of toe-curling,
E218 Got the Ick? Why It Happens in Relationships + What to Do About It pt. 2
You thought last week’s icks were bad? Buckle up, friend.
Because in Part 2, we’re getting into the next-level icks — the ones that make you question everything.
Like… oral sex immediately after intercourse. Or the dreaded dick flop. Or your partner’s casual approach to burping, farting, and forgetting what deodorant is.
These icks go way beyond open-mouth chewing.
We’re talking postpa
E217: Got the Ick? Why It Happens in Relationships + What to Do About It
You love your person… but lately… the sound of them chewing is making you cringe.
You’ve got the ICK. So what do you do? And what does it actually mean?!
This week, we’re breaking it all down for you plus what to do when your partner’s quirky habits suddenly feel like a total turnoff. 🤮
We’re also sharing your ick stories — from when baby talk stops being not cute to when dirty texts majo
E216: The Truth About Being Passive In Bed: And How To Take Control
Does this sound familiar? Your partner asks you to take control in the bedroom… and your brain completely short-circuits.
You freeze. You feel awkward. You suddenly have no idea what to do.
If you’ve ever found yourself defaulting to passivity during intimacy—or if the idea of “being in control” feels totally foreign—you’re so not alone.
In today’s episode, we’re asking the question: Are
E215: Mismatched Sex Drive Types: The #1 Reason Couples Struggle With Desire
Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex?
One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right. One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely.
But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex.
In to
E214: The Truth About Being Touch-Starved (Even In A Happy Relationship)
This week, we’re diving into something that seems simple but holds a lot of power in your relationship: touch.
Whether it's a lingering hug, a soft shoulder squeeze, or just holding hands while watching Netflix — physical touch is one of the most important (and underrated) ways to build connection, intimacy, and trust.
But if you’ve found yourselves touching less — or if touch feels off some
E213: What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 3 (Doggy Style, Aging, Leg Hair & More!)
Have you ever wanted a peek inside a man’s brain? 🧠
We’re back with Part 3 of one of our most talked-about episode series — answering all the burning, bizarre, and brutally honest questions you’ve always wanted to ask men.
This week, we’re diving into what men really think about everything from doggy style to aging to the internet daddy of the moment, Pedro Pascal.
🎙️ Here’s what we’re get
E212: Why You Flinch When Your Partner Touches You (And How To Fix It) "The Bristle Reaction”
Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction? It’s a term Vanessa coined—and when we posted about it on TikTok, over 8 million people watched. (You can watch that here 👉 https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7206335375453867306?lang=en)
The Bristle Reaction is that moment when your partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss… and your body instinctively recoils. Even when you love your partner d
E211: Ask A Sex Therapist: Penis Pumps, Pegging, + Postpartum Sex
Ask a sex therapist is back!
Have you ever Googled something about sex and then immediately deleted your search history? 🥵
In this week’s episode, Vanessa (a sex therapist with 20+ years of experience) and Xander (her ever-curious, regular dude husband) answer your most personal, pressing, wait-am-I-the-only-one? questions about sex, intimacy, and everything in between.
Here’s what we’re d
E210: How To Know When Enough Is Enough
Maybe it’s a gross habit that totally kills the mood…
Maybe it’s a bigger issue that leaves you feeling unseen or disconnected…
This week, we’re diving into a question we hear all the time: Should I be putting up with this in my relationship?
Whether it’s your partner’s lack of ambition, a dead bedroom, constant yelling, or socks in the couch cushions (yep, really) — we’re breaking down h
E209: Mental Load: The #1 Desire Killer
Does sex feel like a chore to you?
According to 86% of our audience? Yes.
Maybe sex doesn’t feel great. Maybe it it’s more about your partner getting their needs met than you. Maybe it’s just started to feel like another thing to check off your list.
But maybe the issue isn’t sex at all.
Maybe it’s that you’re carrying too much — between the keeping the household running (and kind of cle
E208: Stuck In A Relationship Rut? Here’s Your 4-Week Fix
In this episode, we’re giving you a realistic, 4-week plan to help you and your partner get out of that relationship rut — even if you're super busy, overwhelmed, or feeling disconnected.
No grand gestures. No impossible checklists.
Just simple, thoughtful actions you can start this week to feel closer again — emotionally and physically.
Here’s what we’re covering:
The difference bet
E207 The Foreplay Episode: The 5 Things We’re All Getting Wrong
Ready for our go-to masterclass on one of the most overlooked (but absolutely essential) parts of intimacy?
We’re bringing back one of our most downloaded episodes of all time — and trust us, it’s worth a re-listen (or a first-time bender if you’re new around here).
Foreplay — the most misunderstood, rushed-through, and skipped-over part of sex. But here’s the truth: foreplay isn’t optional. I
E206: Butt Stuff 101: Everything You’re Too Afraid To Ask
We’re bringing back a fan favorite this week… and yep, we’re going there.
Butt stuff. 🍑
Back in 2021, we dropped an episode all about backdoor play, and it quickly became one of our most popular episodes of all time. With over 200 Pillow Talks episodes under our belts now, we figured it was time to make it a little easier to find the gems — so for the first time ever, we’re re-airing one of
E205: Couples Coaching Session: How To Ask For More Even If You Don’t Know What You Want
We’re back this week with another coaching episode — where we listen to real voice notes from real listeners who are navigating some seriously relatable challenges.
From craving more pleasure but not knowing how to ask for it… to dealing with desire differences after kids and trying to orgasm for the first time (yes, ever) — we’re holding space for your stories.
If you’ve ever found yourself th
E204: Confessions Of An Overactive Bladder
If you’ve ever joked about “peeing just a little” when you sneeze, or you’re the kind of person who always has to know where the bathroom is, this one’s for you.
Vanessa is sharing her personal (and super vulnerable) journey with bladder issues: how it started, the surprising symptoms, the anxiety it caused, and the expert-backed tools and tricks that actually helped.
We asked our community if t
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