On Attachment
Join relationship coach Stephanie Rigg in On Attachment, where she delves deep into all things attachment theory, love, relationships & intimacy - sharing her wisdom and experience to help you start making real changes in your life & relationships.
Episodes
#281: When You Want to Work on the Relationship But Your Partner Doesn't
So many people will know the frustration of wanting to work on your relationship and being met with resistance, shutdown, or disengagement from a partner. When your sincere attempts at getting through and finding a path forward aren't landing, it's easy to feel hopeless—and confused as to what it means for your future. In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on this predicame
#280: Why You Feel Jealous About Your Partner's Past (& How to Navigate It)
In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result. This is a really common experience (one I used to struggle with myself!), particularly among those with anxious attachment patterns who already experience a hypervigilance to perce
#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph)
This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation.In offering my advice, I share some thoughts on why a first relationshi
#278: How to Navigate Being Triggered by a Partner's Moodiness
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of "How do I navigate being triggered by my partner's moodiness and irritability?" This is such a common pain point for folks with anxious attachment patterns. I share some context as to why moodiness is so activating for the anxious nervous system, as well as my advice on how to best respond in the moment when your partner is being
#277: What to Look For in a Long-Term Partner
Choosing who you're going to commit to is a life-altering decision — so it's little wonder so many of us feel the weight of that pressure, and experience doubt around whether we're making the "right" decision. And while no one but you can ultimately make that call, in today's episode I'm sharing some guidance on the qualities and attributes that I find essential to ma
#276: Attachment & Conflict (Part 4): Repairing After Relationship Rupture
Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In this episode, we talk about three key components of repair, and how they can help us to transform conflict into deeper understanding, connection, and intimacy. LinksFree training on h
#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex
In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so much of our mental and emotional energy, and not knowing how to untether ourselves from them (or perhaps not fully wanting to). I'll share some thoughts on managing exp
#274: Attachment & Conflict (Part 3): How to Experience Healthier Conflict
Join the Secure Self Challenge hereToday's episode is part 3 of my Attachment & Conflict series, and we're talking all about how to transform the way you do conflict. I'll be sharing general tips and mindset shifts for how to approach conflict, as well as specific guidance for both anxious and avoidant partners on what to do (and not to do) to avoid getting pulled into those all-to
#273: Attachment & Conflict (Part 2): Avoidant Attachment
Register for the Secure Self Challenge hereIn today's episode, we're talking once again about how attachment patterns shape our experience of conflict in relationships, with a particular focus on avoidant attachment. We talk about why avoidant folks instinctively pull back from conflict, as well as often-used conflict strategies including appeasement, defensiveness, dismissal, and disengag
#272: How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Avoidant Attachment (Ask Steph)
Access the replay for the Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshopIn today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of: "How do I talk to my partner about their avoidant attachment without them feeling labelled?" I share some thoughts on how best to approach this, and what isn't likely to land well.
#271: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Guidance for Partners (Part 4)
Last chance to register for the free Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshopToday's episode is the fourth and final instalment of my deep dive series into fearful avoidant attachment, and this episode is one for the partners (with a focus on anxiously attached partners). I share guidance around how to be mindful of your own tendency to overfunction, and how this can lead you into codepen
#270: How to Remain Hopeful After Heartbreak & Bad Dating Experiences (Ask Steph)
When you've had a string of heartbreaks, disappointments, and bad dating experiences, remaining hopeful can be a big ask of your system. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why forcing yourself to feel hopeful might not be the thing you need, and why it might be best to give yourself the time to grieve, reflect, and grow before forcing yourself back into the dati
#269: Stay or Go: How to Know When It's Time to Walk Away
Subscribe to my SubstackFor many of us who struggle with letting go (and tend towards relationship-fixing at all costs), walking away can feel like a measure of absolute last resort — like almost nothing would justify the immense and all-consuming pain of having to let go of someone you love. And when you layer in self-doubt and a deep fear of regret, it can feel next to impossible.Sadly, it’s not
#268: When You're Not Attracted to Healthy Partners (Ask Steph)
Register for my upcoming live workshop hereIn today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of "How long to keep pursuing a connection with someone who's great and ticks all my boxes — except that I'm not physically attracted to them?" I share some thoughts on why this can happen — particularly if your attraction template has historically gravitated towards incons
#267: Attachment & Conflict (Part 1): Anxious Attachment
Register for my upcoming free workshop on Anxious Attachment Protest BehavioursIn this new series on attachment and conflict, we're exploring the deeper layers that make relational conflict so challenging, and how we can shift those patterns. This first instalment is all about the anxious attachment experience of conflict: how we can swing between conflict-avoidance and conflict-pursuit, and h
#266: How to Move from Understanding Your Patterns to Actually Changing Them (Ask Steph)
If you've been "doing the work" for a while now, it's likely you have a firm grip on why you are the way you are. But many of us find ourselves stuck at the "knowledge and awareness" stage, struggling to put our insights into practice in a way that translates into lasting change. In this episode, I'm sharing thoughts on how to bridge that gap so that you don't f
#265: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: How to Heal (Part 3)
This week's episode is the much-requested Part 3 of my deep dive on fearful avoidant attachment — and today, we're talking about what it takes to heal. We cover shame, self-compassion, accountability, self-sabotage, nervous system regulation, and more.And while far from being exhaustive, my hope is that today's episode will offer a roadmap to support you on your path to healing if you struggle wit
#264: The One Thing You Should Never Do in Relationships (from Substack)
Subscribe to my Substack, Notes to SelfI've recently launched on Substack, and today's episode is a read-out of a recent article I wrote there titled The One Thing You Should Never Do in Relationships. If you enjoy this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could head on over to Substack and subscribe to my page there for more long-form articles about attachment, love and relationships: h
#263: How to Stop Obsessing About Someone
"How do I stop obsessively ruminating about the person who rejected me?" is one of the most frequently asked questions I receive — and in today's episode, we're talking all about why it's so easy to fall into the trap of fixating on someone who didn't choose you. Whether it's the situationship that never became anything more, the person who ghosted you or left you wit
#262: How to Navigate Feeling Behind in Life (Ask Steph)
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering a listener's question about feeling like she's fallen behind in life after going through a break-up in her mid-30s, particularly as most of her friends are partnered and having kids. I talk about the very real experience of the "biological clock" factor, and how to acknowledge the disappointments and unexpected turns while also
#261: Sex, Intimacy, and Attachment Styles
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelHow do our attachment patterns influence our relationship to — and experience of — sex and intimacy? That's what we're exploring in today's podcast deep dive. We'll cover how each attachment style relates to sex, common sensitivities and pain points, and what the sexual relationship looks like over the life cycle of the relationship. We'll also to
#260: Can You Become Anxiously Attached from Dating an Avoidant Person? (Ask Steph)
Subscribe to my YouTube channelIs it possible to become anxiously attached as a result of dating someone with avoidant patterns? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We'll talk about how our patterns can arise in response to someone else's, while also acknowledging fundamental differences in how people with secure vs. insecure attachment styl
#259: How to Communicate with a Defensive Partner
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelDoes your partner get defensive easily, even when you feel like you weren't being attacking or critical? If so, today's episode is for you. Being on the receiving end of someone's chronic defensiveness can be extremely frustrating and disheartening, and it can feel like a real block to connection. But the way we typically respond — by making someone wrong
#258: When Your Partner Isn't Respecting Your Boundaries (Ask Steph)
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel How do you navigate a situation where your partner isn't respecting the boundaries that you've set? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. Boundaries can be fraught for those of us with insecure attachment patterns, and it's easy to swing between demands and capitulation — neither of which are particularly he
#257: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: How It Shows Up in Relationships (Part 2)
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelToday's episode is a follow-up from last week's deep dive into fearful avoidant attachment. This week, we're looking at the fearful avoidant in relationships — how these patterns play out, how that changes over the lifecycle of a relationship, and how it can differ based on the other person's attachment style. LinksUnderstanding Your Avoidant Partner CourseFree resou
#256: How to Balance Accepting Your Partner & Supporting Their Growth (Ask Steph)
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelIn today's Ask Steph episode, we're talking about how to balance accepting your partner for who they are, while also encouraging them to grow. This is a delicate dance for many of us, and can reveal our own patterns of wanting to fix and save people. We'll talk about where the healthy middle lies between acceptance and change, and how you can create a rel
#255: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Origins & Core Wounds (Part 1)
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelIn today's episode, we're diving deep into the fearful avoidant (or disorganised) attachment style. We're talking about where it originates, and what some of the core belief systems are that drive fearful avoidant patterns. Make sure you're following or subscribed to the show to catch Part 2 next week, where we explore how the fearful avoidant attachment style shows
#254: Healthy Privacy vs. Unhealthy Secrecy in Relationships (Ask Steph)
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelWhat's the difference between reasonable, healthy privacy and unhealthy secret-keeping? That's the question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We're diving into the difference between privacy and secrecy, as well as on how this interfaces with the anxious need for information and the avoidant need for autonomy. ResourcesFree resources for
#253: Perfectionism in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Subscribe to my YouTube ChannelIn today's episode, we're diving deep into perfectionism — and how it can sneak into our relationship dynamics in unhelpful ways. We'll talk about how perfectionism shows up for anxiously attached people, how that differs from folks with avoidant patterns, and what it looks like to release the grip of perfectionism and find greater compassion and acceptan
#252: Finding Self-Compassion When Everything is Falling Apart (Ask Steph)
How do you find self-compassion when everything is falling to pieces? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We'll talk about why self-compassion can be so hard to access when we're in a challenging season, the mistaken belief that self-compassion removes accountability, and how we can start to cultivate more kindness and self-validation when w
#251: How I Approach Nervous System Regulation & Wellbeing
In this episode, I’m sharing how I personally approach nervous system regulation in a way that feels simple, realistic, and actually sustainable, rather than overwhelming myself with endless tools and protocols. We talk about focusing on the foundations — like sleep, nourishment, movement, and creating a supportive home environment — while also being mindful of what we don’t do, like overschedulin
#250: Are They Avoidant or Just Not That Into You? (Ask Steph)
Understanding Your Avoidant Partner: New CourseMany people find themselves trying to decode confusing or inconsistent behaviour, wondering whether it reflects avoidant attachment or a lack of interest — but in early dating, a lack of clarity is often the clearest signal in itself. The more meaningful question is why we stay engaged in dynamics that leave us feeling uncertain, rather than stepping
#249: The First 30 Days After a Breakup
In today’s episode, I’m walking you through how to navigate the first 30 days after a breakup in a way that is supportive, grounded, and deeply healing.This initial period can feel overwhelming — full of grief, anxiety, confusion, and emotional swings. And while it’s natural to be in survival mode, there are small but powerful ways you can support yourself through this time rather than getting swe
#248: How to Cope With My Ex Being Happy in a New Relationship (Ask Steph)
In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re talking about how to cope when your ex seems to have moved on soon after your break-up — and is now in a new relationship that appears to be working.This can be an incredibly painful experience, especially if you’re still grieving the relationship. It often brings up comparison, self-doubt, and questions like “Was I the problem?”In this episode, I unpack why thi
#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?
In today’s episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?When you’re used to second-guessing yourself, it can be incredibly hard to know whether your fears and insecurities are coming from your own patterns—or from dynamics that would leave anyone feeling unsafe
#246: When Is It a Good Idea to Be Friends with an Ex? (Ask Steph)
In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re exploring a common question: is it ever a good idea to be friends with an ex?While staying connected can sometimes feel comforting after a breakup, it’s not always supportive of healing or moving forward.In this episode, I share some key considerations to help you assess whether a friendship is a good idea, or whether it might be keeping you stuck in old pattern
#245: Should Anxiously Attached People Just Avoid Avoidants?
In today’s episode, I’m unpacking why I don’t give the common advice for anxiously attached people to simply avoid avoidant partners.While it might seem like a straightforward way to protect yourself from painful relationship dynamics, this approach is often overly simplistic — and can actually reinforce the very patterns you’re trying to move away from.We explore the nuance that often gets lost i
#244: I Healed My Anxious Attachment… So Why Don’t I Want a Relationship Anymore? (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I’m responding to a question I hear more often than you might expect. Someone has done a lot of work on their anxious attachment patterns, they feel more grounded and secure, and now they find themselves with very little interest in dating or relationships.I talk about how this can sometimes be a natural pendulum swing. When you have spent a long time orienting around ot
#243: How to Create Healthy, Balanced Relationships with Nedra Glover Tawwab
In this episode, I’m joined by therapist, bestselling author, and boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab for a powerful conversation on what it really means to have healthy dependency in our relationships.So many of us find ourselves swinging between two extremes — overgiving, people-pleasing, and losing ourselves in others… or shutting down, becoming hyper-independent, and struggling to let anyone
#242: When Does Self-Improvement Become Self-Sabotage? (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about the fine line between personal growth and the endless pursuit of self-improvement.While healing, reflection, and growth are powerful tools, they can sometimes become another way we reinforce the belief that something about us is fundamentally wrong or needs fixing. When that happens, self-development can quietly turn into a hamster
#241: How to Date from Self-Worth
Modern dating can be tough. Between apps, ghosting, and the uncertainty that often comes with meeting strangers outside our social circles, the whole process can be seriously activating — and all the more so for those with anxious attachment patterns.In this episode, I share three key mindset shifts to help you approach dating from a place of self-worth rather than scarcity, pessimism, or the need
#240: The #1 Thing to Focus On to Heal Anxious Attachment (Ask Steph)
In today’s Ask Steph episode, I’m answering the listener question: If you were only going to focus on one thing to start healing anxious attachment, what would it be?While there are many layers to this work, the single place I’d start is building self-worth outside of a relationship.For many anxiously attached people, relationships become the primary place where we seek security, validation, and a
#239: The Anxious Attachment Healing Roadmap
If you've been putting in the work to heal your anxious attachment but still feel like you're treading water, this episode is for you. In today's episode, I'm sharing what I believe are the three core pillars of healing anxious attachment — and why the sequencing of that work matters just as much as the work itself.Whether you're just starting out or have been on this journey f
#238: Can a Relationship Survive If Only One Person is Doing the Work? (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question I hear often: If I work on my anxious attachment, but my partner doesn’t work on their avoidant patterns, can the relationship still work?I unpack why focusing on your side of the street is never a waste of time — even when your partner isn’t meeting you there yet. We talk about how healing anxious attachment isn’t about fixing the relati
#237: How Anxious & Avoidant People Differ Around Breakups
In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean.We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyp
#236: Coping With Separation Anxiety When Your Partner Is Away (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener who says they generally feel secure in their relationship — except when their partner travels and is physically away. During those periods, they experience intense separation anxiety, spiralling thoughts, and a sudden sense of insecurity that feels confusing and disproportionate.I talk about why distance and absence can be uniquely activating for
#235: What Attachment Theory Does (& Does Not) Explain
Attachment theory has become a widely used framework for understanding relationship patterns — but it’s often misunderstood, overextended, or treated as a complete explanation for human behaviour.In this episode, I revisit the foundations of attachment theory to clarify what attachment is actually designed to explain, what attachment styles describe, and where the limits of the framework are. This
#234: What Makes an Avoidant Partner Feel Safe to Open Up? (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, we explore one of the most common (and understandable) questions in anxious–avoidant dynamics: what actually helps an avoidant partner feel safe enough to open up emotionally?If you tend toward anxious attachment, it can feel deeply unsettling to sense that parts of your partner’s inner world are closed off to you. That can create a strong pull to try harder, ask more qu
#233: How to Put an End to Situationships (Once & For All)
Situationships can feel exciting and full of potential, but over time they often become a source of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. In this episode, I explore why situationships are so hard to walk away from — particularly for people with anxious attachment — and why clarity can feel more threatening than staying in something uncertain.We look at how hope, ambiguity, and emotional breadcrumbs
#232: Why Do I Miss My Ex Now That I’m Dating Someone New? (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about why old feelings can resurface when you re-enter the dating world, and what to do when that catches you off guard.In this episode, we explore:Why missing your ex after a breakup can show up later, not earlierHow dating again brings up fresh comparisons — and why that’s so normalThe difference between missing your ex and missing fam
#231: Why You Can't Love Someone Into Changing
In this episode, we explore the belief that if someone truly loved you, they would have changed — and why this story so often keeps people stuck in self-blame, rescuing, and self-abandonment. We look at the saviour complex, how it develops, and why real change has far more to do with timing and capacity than with how lovable or devoted you are.In this episode, we cover:Why “if they loved me, they
#230: How Do I Know My New Partner Will Be Better Than My Last One? (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question that will feel very familiar to anyone with anxious attachment: How can I be certain that my new partner will be better for me than my last one?On the surface, this question makes sense. After being hurt, blindsided, or disappointed in past relationships, of course we want reassurance that it won’t happen again. But underneath it, there’s
#229: The Hallmarks of a Secure Relationship
A secure relationship isn’t one where nothing ever goes wrong — it’s one where the foundation is strong enough to hold the hard stuff. For many people (especially those with anxious attachment), insecurity doesn’t come from being “too sensitive,” but from being in dynamics that lack safety, consistency, or clarity.In this episode, I break down five key qualities that tend to be present in secure r
#228: When You Want More Words of Affirmation — But Don’t Want to Ask (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about wanting more words of affirmation from a partner — but not wanting to feel like you're constantly asking for it. This is a really common tension, especially for people with anxious attachment. On one hand, words of affirmation genuinely matter. On the other, asking for them can feel exposing, needy, or like you’re trying to forc
#227: The Most Common Forms of Self-Sabotage After a Break-Up
Break-ups are painful — but often, the way we try to cope with that pain can quietly keep us stuck in it for much longer than necessary.In this episode of On Attachment, I walk through five of the most common ways people unknowingly self-sabotage after a break-up, particularly those with anxious attachment patterns. These behaviours aren’t a sign that you’re doing healing “wrong.” They’re understa
#226: “If They Wanted To, They Would” (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I share my perspective on the phrase “if they wanted to, they would” — and why it’s sometimes helpful, but often oversimplified.I talk about the difference between basic effort and genuine capacity, and why assuming someone’s behaviour always reflects a lack of care or love can miss what’s really going on. We explore how attachment patterns, protective strategies, and st
#225: How to Know Whether to Keep Trying or Walk Away from a Relationship
Few decisions feel as emotionally loaded as deciding whether to keep trying in a relationship or to walk away. There is no universal right answer — and for many people, especially those with anxious attachment, this question can feel endlessly destabilising.In this episode, I share 10 reflective questions designed to support clearer, more grounded decision-making. These questions aren’t a checklis
#224: I Drunk Texted My Ex and Feel So Much Shame — Help! (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question that many people can relate to: drunk texting an ex, waking up full of shame, and not knowing what to do next.I talk about why this happens, especially in the aftermath of a breakup when loneliness, lowered inhibitions, and longing collide — and why beating yourself up afterwards only makes things worse.I explore how to respond in a grou
#223: What It Really Takes to Make an Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Work
Anxious–avoidant relationships are often described as doomed — intense, painful, and inherently incompatible. While these dynamics can certainly be challenging, they’re not automatically destined to fail.In this episode, I explore what it actually takes to make an anxious–avoidant relationship work — not through chemistry, hope, or sheer effort, but through three essential, non-negotiable ingredie
#222: Can a Fearful Avoidant Change After Cheating? (Ask Steph)
In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about infidelity and whether a fearful-avoidant partner can genuinely change.Rather than asking whether change is possible in theory, this episode focuses on a more important question: how likely is real change, and what should you actually be paying attention to after betrayal?In this episode, I explore:How someone takes responsibility
#221: How to Let Go of Someone You Love (For Anxious Attachers)
Letting go of someone you love can feel like the hardest thing you’ll ever do — especially if you have anxious attachment patterns. When your nervous system equates connection with safety, walking away can feel more intolerable than staying in pain.In this episode, I explore why letting go is so difficult, and what actually helps when love, attachment, and fear are all tangled together.I talk abou
#220: 3 Hard Truths About Changing Your Life
As the year comes to a close, this episode offers a grounded reflection on what actually creates change — beyond resolutions or waiting to feel ready.This is an invitation to reflect on agency, integrity, and the quiet choices that shape your life over time.Register for the 28-Day Secure Self Challenge here
#219: How a Fear of Rejection Keeps Us From What We Want Most
In this episode, we explore why rejection feels so big — not just in dating and relationships, but across friendships, family, work, and creative life. We look at the evolutionary and attachment roots of rejection sensitivity, and how it creates a confirmation bias that makes neutral situations feel personal.I talk about how the fear of rejection leads us to shrink, stay silent, or hold back from
#218: Why You're Attracted to Unavailable People
In this episode, we explore the deeper patterns that make emotionally unavailable partners feel so familiar — even when you want something different.Rather than framing this as a personal flaw or something you’re “doing wrong,” this conversation explores the deeper emotional and relational patterns that make certain dynamics feel familiar, magnetic, or even safe on a nervous-system level.I walk th
#217: The Missing Piece in Your Healing Journey
In this episode, we explore what it really takes to create meaningful change — especially in those seasons where everything feels hard, familiar patterns keep looping, and no amount of “trying” seems to make a difference. We talk about the inner environment required for real change, and why self-compassion isn’t the opposite of accountability — it’s the foundation of it.You’ll hear about:Why we de
#216: My Story of Healing Anxious Attachment
Today's episode is a special one: I'm sharing my own healing story and how I went from anxious and insecure to confident, grounded in my worth, and in a loving partnership. My hope in sharing is that you can see we aren't all that different, and that you feel encouraged to continue on the courageous path of healing. 🖤 If you'd like to explore my Black Friday sale — the biggest I
#215: Resentment, Real Repair, Conflict Avoidance & Navigating Dating With Kids — ft. James ‘Fish’ Gill
In today’s episode, I’m joined by my friend James “Fish” Gill for a listener Q&A all about conflict, communication, and staying connected through hard moments.We explore some big questions, including:How to release resentment when a conflict is “resolved” but the emotional residue is still sitting in your bodyWhat real repair actually looks like, and why some apologies land while others don’tW
#214: Parenting Q&A: Fears About Having Kids, Staying Connected After a Baby, Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics & More
In this special episode of On Attachment, I sit down with my partner Joel to answer your questions about our journey into parenthood with our now 18 month old son. We explore the transition to parenting, how our attachment styles have shaped the experience, and what helps us stay aligned as a couple. The conversation also covers our initial feelings about wanting kids, the surprises and challenges
#213: How to Care Less About Others' Opinions & Trust Yourself More
So many of us spend our lives orienting around what other people think of us — seeking approval, avoiding disapproval, and constantly scanning for reassurance that we’re doing, saying, and being the “right” thing.If you lean towards anxious attachment patterns, this makes perfect sense. The foundation of the anxious attachment pattern is an external orientation — learning to attune to others for s
#212: How & When to Start Dating Again After a Break-up
One of the most common questions after a break-up is: when will I be ready to start dating again? Sadly, there’s no hard and fast rule, no magic timeline, and no moment where you’ll suddenly feel 100% confident and never wobble again. Readiness isn’t about the calendar — it’s about how you’re feeling, the work you’ve done, and the mindset you're bringing with you. In this episode, I’ll share:
#211: The Hard Truth About Closure After a Break-up
When a relationship ends, it’s natural to crave closure. We want answers, explanations, or one last conversation that will tie everything up neatly and help us move on. But the reality is, closure rarely comes from someone else — it’s something we have to create for ourselves.In this episode, I share some hard but freeing truths about closure:Why the relationships that leave us most desperate for
#210: Can You Heal in a Relationship That Constantly Triggers You?
So often, we’re drawn to the work of healing our relational wounds because of challenges in our relationship. A partner’s behaviour, or the dynamic between us, shines a light on our pain points and shows us where our work might be. But this can raise a difficult question: if we’re still being triggered or activated within that very relationship, is healing actually possible?In this episode, I expl
#209: 5 Green Flags in Early Dating
When you’re anxiously attached, it’s easy to fixate on red flags and warning signs — scanning for danger in the early stages of dating. But if you’re always looking for what’s wrong, you might miss the important signs that you’re with someone who’s actually safe, caring, and aligned with you.In this episode, we shift the focus to green flags — the encouraging behaviours and feelings that can help
#208: Anxious Attachment & the Fear of Infidelity
Fear of infidelity can be one of the most overwhelming and destabilising experiences for someone with anxious attachment. Even when there’s no evidence a partner is being unfaithful, the possibility alone can trigger deep anxiety, hypervigilance, and constant worry.In this episode, we explore why anxiously attached people often fear cheating so much, even in the absence of proof. We’ll look at the
#207: Why You Feel Secure When You’re Single (But Anxious When You Start Dating)
If you’ve ever felt calm and confident when you’re single, only to find yourself spiralling into anxiety the moment you start dating, there’s a good reason for it.In this episode, I share why this shift happens — and why it’s completely normal if you have an anxious attachment style. Attachment patterns are relational, which means they tend to lie dormant when we’re on our own. But as soon as we h
#206: How Understanding Your Nervous System Can Make You A Better Partner & Parent with Alyssa Blask Campbell
Understanding your nervous system is one of the most powerful tools you have for creating secure, connected relationships. But too often we approach it as a one-size-fits-all formula, rather than honouring the unique way our individual nervous systems work.In this episode, I’m joined by parenting expert and author Alyssa Blask Campbell to explore how tuning into your nervous system can make you a
#205: How to Process a Sudden Break-Up (AKA the "Avoidant Discard")
When a relationship ends without warning, it’s common to feel blindsided, confused, and deeply hurt. This is often labelled the “avoidant discard” — but while that term might feel validating in the moment, it can also keep you stuck in a disempowering story.In this episode, we’ll talk about how to process a sudden ending in a way that honours your pain without leaving you tethered to it. We’ll exp
#204: Why You Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns
Ever look back at your dating history and realise you’ve basically been in the same relationship over and over again — just with different people? Maybe you thought you’d learned the lessons, yet somehow the same dynamics keep playing out.In this episode, we’re unpacking why these patterns form, why they feel so hard to break, and how you can start shifting them. We’ll explore how your early exper
#203: How to Soften Your Inner Critic and Forgive Yourself for the Past
If you struggle with a harsh inner critic — whether it shows up as perfectionism, relentless self-judgment, or shame about the past — this episode is for you. We’re unpacking the roots of that punitive inner voice, how it tries to keep us safe, and the real cost it can have on our self-worth, our nervous system, and our ability to grow. We’ll also explore what it looks like to relate to ourselves
#202: How Attachment Styles Influence Friendship Dynamics
We don’t often talk about how attachment dynamics play out in friendships — but if you’ve ever felt anxious, hurt, or overly invested in a friend who seemed to be pulling away, you’ll know just how triggering these relationships can be.While attachment theory was originally developed to explain the infant-caregiver bond and later applied to romantic relationships, many of the same fears, patterns,
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