The Save The Marriage Podcast
This podcast offers guidance on saving marriages and improving relationships. Hosted by Dr. Lee H. Baucom, it provides advice on stopping divorce and restoring loving connections. Each episode aims to help listeners strengthen their partnerships and navigate relationship challenges.
Episodes
Are You Fighting for Connection?
“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”
Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.
Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what th
Four Fails to Saving Your Marriage
First, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you!
But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at.
In this episo
What Stage is the Crisis?
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.
This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is
Marriage In The Kettle
You've heard the story about the frog and the kettle. It's the slowly heating water that sneaks up on the frog before it can react.
Turns out, frogs are smarter than that. They jump when things get dangerous.
But the metaphor survives because it describes something we do in marriage.
Except our kettle doesn't heat up. It cools down.
Most couples hit a pause button at some point — kids, career,
Having Hope vs. Building Hope
Most people wait for hope to show up.
They treat it like weather — something that either arrives or doesn't, something outside their control. And when it doesn't show up, they take that as a sign. Maybe it's over. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe there's just nothing left to work with.
But what if hope isn't something you wait for? What if it's something you build?
Waiting for hope is passive
When You Failed Therapy (Or Therapy Failed YOU)
She did everything right.
When her marriage hit a crisis, she and her husband went to therapy. They showed up every week. They stayed with it for months. They did what you're supposed to do.
And then the therapist told them she didn't think she could help them. Nothing was working. She didn't see a path forward.
They walked out feeling like failures. Like they had somehow flunked marriage therapy.
When Your Spouse Says Divorce: What To Do In The Next 72 Hours
If your spouse has said the word divorce — or you're afraid they're about to — the next 72 hours matter more than you might think.
Not because you can fix everything that quickly. But because what you do in this window will either create a path forward or make recovery significantly harder.
In this episode I talk about what's actually happening in this moment — in your brain, in your body, and in
CAN Every Marriage Be Saved??
People ask me this all the time. And given that my website is called Save The Marriage, most assume they already know my answer.
They're wrong.
No. Not every marriage can (or should) be saved. I want to be straight about that. There are situations where saving the marriage is not the goal, and pursuing it would be a mistake. If that's where you are, this episode will tell you clearly.
But here'
Is Your Marriage Bankrupt — Or Just Overdrawn?
Most people who contact me have already decided.
They've looked at where things stand — the distance, the silence, the failed attempts — and they've reached a conclusion: it's too late. The damage is too deep. Nothing is going to work.
Here's the problem with that conclusion. It's almost certainly wrong.
Not because things aren't serious. They may be very serious. But because there's a critical di
Dials and Switches
No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature.
We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch.
This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis.
A mar
How to Stop Dysregulaton Before it Stops You – EJ and Tarah Kerwin
You weren't trying to blow it up. You weren't trying to say the thing that sent everything sideways. And yet — there you were, reactive and regretful, wondering how you got there so fast.
That's dysregulation. And it is not a character flaw. It's not weakness. It's your nervous system doing exactly what it was wired to do — except it can't tell the difference between a threat in the wild and a lo
Addicted to Blame?
Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?
Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.
Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).
Blame is highly corrosive to
The (Created) Past Hurts Your Marriage
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?
We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.
When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remem
Not Knowing vs. Not Doing
You know something is wrong. You might even know, in some general sense, what needs to change.
But you're still stuck.
Maybe you've tried things. Maybe you've researched, listened, read. Maybe you've had the conversations, made the gestures, given it time.
And yet... here you are.
There's a reason for that. And it's not what most people assume.
Most people in a marriage crisis think they're s
This Is How You “Diss” Your Marriage
Most people assume a marriage falls apart because something went wrong.
A betrayal. A blow-up. A moment where everything changed.
But that's rarely how it actually happens.
What I've watched — in couple after couple over 25 years — is something much quieter. Much slower. And in a lot of ways, much harder to reverse, because it's almost impossible to see while it's happening.
There's a path. A prog
Momentum: The Physics of a Failing Marriage
My high school science teacher almost helped me make TNT in the chemistry lab!
That's how this episode starts. But it's not really about chemistry.
It's about physics. Specifically, it's about momentum... and why the same force that keeps a relationship strong is also the force that quietly destroys it without anyone noticing until it's almost too late.
Here's the thing most couples never consi
Limiting Beliefs That Limit Your Marriage
It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage.
I say IF you have limited beliefs.
Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that.
Especially since we usually fail to notice or add
What DOES Pickleball Have To Do With Marriage??
Probably more than you want to admit.
I've been playing pickleball for about four years. Started when my wife and I moved to a new community — we were looking for something to do and a way to meet people. Neither of us expected it to become a weekly ritual.
But somewhere along the way, I started noticing something I couldn't shake.
The patterns showing up on that court? I'd seen every single on
Stop Spinning the Wheel
Einstein said we can't solve our problems with the same thinking that created them.
And if you've been working on your marriage—trying hard, putting in effort, doing everything you can think of—but nothing's actually changing? You might be spinning the wheel.
Pursuing harder. Forcing conversations. Making grand gestures. Reading every article, watching every video, trying every technique the algor
“If It Were Meant To Be”… Is a Load of Crap!
I hear it a lot. Sometimes from someone in the middle of a marriage crisis, trying to make sense of the pain. Sometimes from someone who hasn't hit crisis yet, but carries the belief quietly in the background — like a safety net they don't know they're depending on.
"If it's meant to be, it will work out."
It sounds like wisdom. It sounds like acceptance. If you've thought it yourself, I understan
When Pop Psychology Destroys Your Marriage
"I'm just Type A—that's why we clash."
"I'm an Alpha male. This is just who I am."
"I'm anxiously attached. I can't help how I react."
I hear these statements constantly in my coaching work. And every time, I watch the same thing happen: growth stops. The label becomes a shield. The framework becomes a prison. And the marriage stays stuck.
In this episode, I'm examining three of the most popular p
Belonging Together??
In this episode of the podcast, I explore why marriages feel empty even when couples are still together. The answer isn't about compatibility or whether you "married the right person." It's about three essential elements that every strong marriage needs, and what happens when they disappear.
I'm bringing together insights from Brené Brown, Tony Robbins, and Jennifer Wallace's new book Mattering t
The Four Failing Fears
You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.
Then, BAM! You hit a wall.
A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.
But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. W
The RISE Framework: Moving From Surface Talk to Soul-Level Connection
When successful men feel powerful at work but powerless at home, something fundamental is missing. In this episode, Mitchell Osmond, leadership consultant and host of the Dad Nation podcast, shares his journey from rock bottom — facing divorce, depression, and 60 pounds overweight — to creating a framework that helps couples move beyond being "roommates sharing rings."
Mitchell introduces the RISE
Resetting in 2026
Resetting in 2026
New year. Same marriage problems?
Here's the thing: most people approach a new year with good intentions but no actual reset. They keep doing the same things, waiting for different results. And when it comes to saving your marriage, that's a recipe for staying stuck.
In this week's podcast, I walk you through five critical resets you need to make in 2026. Not resolutions. Reset
“I get knocked down, I get up again…”
You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!
And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.
And it knocks you down.
Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.
But are you? Or do you need to get back up?
Special Holiday Edition: The Ghosts of Relationships Past
Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:
Christmas Eve. C
To-Do’s and To-Don’ts of Saving Your Marriage, Pt. 2
You want to save a marriage... but you may not be sure what to do. And I guess it is also a question of what not to do.
BOTH what TO do and what NOT TO do, are important. So, let's cover it! In this episode, I cover 5 more to-do's and to-don'ts. In an earlier episode, I covered 5 more of each.
Why is this important?
Because most people have the hardest time getting started (and continuing)
Quiet Divorce: The Truth
“Quiet Divorce.” It seems to be the topic of article after article. And the articles make it seem like, “No big deal, just happens, oh well.”
But it IS a big deal. And it ISN’T anything new. Just another way of describing something we have discussed here often… the dangers of disconnection.
I talked about this some time ago, when everyone was talking about Quiet Quitting during the pandemic
How You Deal with Negativity
It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).
Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack o
The Pause Problem (and Solution)
When did it happen? When did your marriage’s trajectory head in the wrong direction?
Probably long before you thought, long before you could see it. Almost always, it is a conscious and unconscious collusion between the spouses. And it makes sense. Life… you have to get back to it!
After all, you are now married, and your marriage is set up to successfully face life… or is it?
At some point
To-Do’s and To-Don’ts of Saving Your Marriage, Pt. 1
You want to save a marriage... but you may not be sure what to do. And I guess it is also a question of what not to do.
BOTH what TO do and what NOT TO do, are important. So, let's cover it! In this episode, I cover 5 to-do's and to-don'ts. And in the next episode, I'll cover 5 more of each.
Why is this important?
Because most people have the hardest time getting started (and continuing) wh
Distraction or Traction?
What gets in the way of you getting traction in your efforts to save your marriage?
These days, there is one very substantial reason... one thing that keeps you (and many others) from making progress. And it is only accelerating. What is it?
Distraction.
Yep, it absolutely gets in your way, pulling you away from what is most important. Pulling you away from priorities and opportunities.
Wha
The Zombie Marriage
Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"
The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.
Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune sy
How to Save Your Marriage When You Hate Your Spouse
A listener had a question... and it isn't the first time I've heard it. How DO you save your marriage when you feel hate for your spouse? That does seem impossible to get beyond, doesn't it?
I have some news for you: many people (if not MOST) who are working on saving their marriage are NOT having warm and fuzzy feelings for their spouse.
In fact, they are likely to be just as hurt, just as f
Can AI Save Your Marriage… Or End It??
Are you an AI user? Do you find yourself chatting with AI about things in your life?
How about regarding your marriage??
If you are using AI as a resource to save your marriage, I have one suggestion: STOP!
Over the past few years (as AI chats have become more popular), I have heard from more and more people about how AI marked the end of their marriage. Some reported a spouse becoming enamo
Myths of Saving Your Marriage
Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)
You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse
Affairs and Their Aftermath
Question: does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?
Answer: YES.
Longer answer: for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity. There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability. But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens. Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital
Why You’re Fighting… and What to Do
Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, "why am I even arguing over this? It doesn't matter"?
I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others.
It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are not the big things, but the small things. And t
Feeling Stuck?? No Closer??
What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?
Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?
Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?
That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband
Getting Better or Getting Bitter
I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Getting Better or Getting Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.
One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better.
The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter.
Here is the irony
Getting Your Spouse to Agree?? Dangerous!
I know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way. So, you set out to "get" your spouse to agree with you.
...And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path.
(I bet you didn't think so, did you?)
Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire -- and even make things worse. Sometimes, much worse.
Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and h
The 3 Layers of Connection
Connection is the lifeblood of marriage. In fact, we are wired for deep connection. And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.
Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third layer of connecting. Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.
Disconnection tends to breed disconnect
How Steep?
“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing.
When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kep
Can It Be Saved?? How to know…
Can you save your marriage??
That is, to be honest, probably the biggest "speed bump" for someone who wants to save their marriage.
They wonder if it is even possible to save their marriage. And that fact keeps them from taking action.
Or to be more direct, may be what is keeping you from taking action.
Many people have said that if I could guarantee that they could save their marriage, they
Having Hope
Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless?
Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?
Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.
Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope.
In one of my books, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note tha
5 Reasons Why Your Plan is Stalled
Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled? Maybe we should take a look at your plan.
You do have a plan, don't you?
Let's talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble -- and what we can do to make a switch.
To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control. YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues. You may not have control over your
Are You Getting Dragged Under??
Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.
Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?
This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will
What Makes A Marriage Great?
What makes a marriage work?
What makes a marriage GREAT?
Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters. Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like. Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give
Are You Dragging a Spouse to Therapy??
The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:
You Don’t!
(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)
Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (altho
The Clarity of a Crisis
Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful.
Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?
Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-tra
Proving Your Viewpoint (Is Dangerous!)
I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.
Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?
Viewpoints. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.
And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to t
Wrong Focus: 3 Places People Focus… and Shouldn’t
At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.
And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.
Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.
That can head
The NMF Path to Failure
The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).
She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do,
Dangerous Approaches to Saving Your Marriage
Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage? Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches??
How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?
It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.
And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’
Rewiring Your Relationship
Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage?
If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts. It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns. And some of those pre-date even your marriage.
Unfortunately, most people just don't have an "owner's manual" for their brain... and how it is running. Which is too bad. We could all use some upgrades
Stuck in Limbo??
Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?
Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.
He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to wo
Should True Love be Effortless??
Maybe you have heard these lines:
"Love should just happen."
"This is just too much work."
"I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love."
"I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel. Something is wrong."
Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself? You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.
The Problem(s) with Marital Therapy (the Therapist WON’T Tell You)
Let me say it here, in writing: I am NOT opposed to marital therapy. I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now. I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy. And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help.
If you don't know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist. I spent years, and se
Malice vs. Neglect
Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse. But I don't think that is actually it.
In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious.
Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue.
I have that "usually" in there, because there are abusive rela
Forgiveness – NOT a Blank Check
Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness. I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.
And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving. "Every-day forgiving" and big-time forgiving. In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other's feelings, make bad decisions -- and still have to figure out how to
It’s NOT the Event!
I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be.
The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt.
At the other end... when a marriage is hurting and
Big Mistake #3 People Make
There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage. This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest. I hear it in the questions people send me every single week.
In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day. And here is the sad thing: the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results.
Like all
Facing the FACTs of Your Crisis
Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.
But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.
Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a h
5 Things You Must STOP Doing
I know it hurts. And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful.
Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see peop
Dealing with Apathy
So, what DO you do when apathy strikes? It might be YOUR apathy. But more likely, it will be your spouse's apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern.
What IS apathy?
What does it mean?
Why does it happen?
And most importantly, what can you do about it?
This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE'S apathy.
Choosing Your Response
Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted?
There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response.
Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice. I was just reacting."
But deep down, we know that is not the case. We have a choice on how to respond. If you miss that choice, you
You Have A Choice
“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….
I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep workin
Don’t Fall for Bad Advice
I wish this only happened every now and then.
Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage. In this case, they have chosen to use my System. And they are making progress! (Yay!)
Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach. And suddenly, their efforts fall apart.
The other day, I was talking with someone who fall
On The Team??
One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage!
I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??"
They certainly were
2 Big Fears and Insecurities
Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!
But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?
Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other. And when that fear is triggered
Games Couples Play
Games should be fun. But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.
These are patterns of interaction and communication.
The design is to get a need met. But behind it is a dysfunction. It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects. It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs. It may be a false expectation of how things should be. But somewhere is a
Hot or Cold??
Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?
Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?
During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to lis
Blame… who’s the problem??
Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?
Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the s
Hopeful or Hopeless??
Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too."
A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.
But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?
There is an equation of hope:
When the Holidays Get Heavy: Marriage Crisis
When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.
And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.
A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into
Did Your Therapist Go Straight To Divorce??
"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote.
I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)
Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns o
Don’t tell. Here’s why…
I know. It's tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse.
Don't. Stop. Think again before you share.
Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things
3 Ways You May Fail (in saving your marriage)
You want to save your marriage.
Right?
That is why you are here, right? So, what might get in your way? How might you fail in your efforts?
Let me be clear: in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts. This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, well, you.
Which is why this episode is so
Therapy? Coaching? Alone?? Together??
I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone.
You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist). But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful.
But ca
