The Place We Find Ourselves
The Place We Find Ourselves podcast features private practice therapist Adam Young (LCSW, MDiv) and interview guests as they discuss all things related to story, trauma, attachment, and interpersonal neurobiology. Listen in as Adam unpacks how trauma and abuse impact the heart and mind, as well as how to navigate the path toward healing, wholeness, and restoration. Interview episodes give you a sacred glimpse into the real-life stories of guests who have engaged their own experiences of trauma and abuse. Drawing from the work of neuroscientists such as Allan Schore, Dan Siegel, and Bessel van der Kolk, as well as psychologist Dan Allender, this podcast will equip and inspire you to engage your own stories of harm in deep, transformative ways.
Episodes
173 I Am Badass: Loss, A Woman's Cycle, and Hope
Stephanie Duncan Smith joins me today to talk about her book, "Even After Everything: The Spiritual Practice of Knowing the Risks and Loving Anyway." Topics covered include: Stephanie's pregnancy losses, how she learned to think differently about her period (and her entire cycle), the importance of listening to our bodies, Stephanie's struggle with hope, and (my favorite part) her morning shower r
172 Spiritual and Religious Trauma with Dr. Hillary McBride
Dr. Hillary McBride talks about her new book titled, Holy Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing. Topics covered include: our deep human need to belong, the inherent goodness of your heart (despite what you may have been told), how healing should not be defined as "something going away," and the importance of witnessing your emotions and letting them unfold. Hillary and I
171 Your Sexuality and Your Story: Linking Past to Present
I am joined today by author Jay Stringer to talk about sexual stuckness/difficulties/struggles. Healthy sexuality is deeply tied to the degree to which we have made sense of our story in our family of origin. Sadly, so few of us have ever been asked to connect the dots between our past life story and the sexual difficulties we face in the present. Today, Jay and I try to connect some of those dots
170 Make Sense of Your Story: Dan Allender Interviews Adam
Today's episode is different. Dan Allender takes over the podcast to interview me about my new book titled, Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Topics covered include: how to respond when we fail those we love, how the book launch re-enacts core dynamics in my life, how to listen to the story your body is telling you, as well as your sexual story and
169 How to Experience the Kind Presence of God with John Eldredge
John Eldredge returns to the podcast to talk about his newest book titled, "Experience Jesus. Really." Topics covered include: how to live as an ordinary mystic (someone who experiences the sweet presence of God on a regular basis), why you don't need to understand something to experience it and benefit from it, the importance of turning toward Jesus with the parts of our hearts that are not doing
168 Longing for Delight and Honoring Anger
I am joined today by my friend Gail Stucker who is a trauma-informed story coach. Gail generously shares a story about herself as an 8th grader. Topics we cover: taking your story seriously when you don't believe you have any "capital T" trauma, longing for the delight of your parents, blessing your desire for delight as a good thing even though the unmet longing is agonizing, blessing anger at th
167 StoryWork: What It Is and Why It Matters with Dan Allender and Cathy Loerzel
You have a story and that story matters. Your story in your family of origin significantly affects the way you think, feel, and act in the world today. This is why Dan Allender says, "It is time to listen to your story." What if healing begins by listening to your story? By reflecting on the experiences in your growing up years, you can better understand why your brain has been shaped in the way t
166 Why Your Marriage Feels The Way It Does
I am joined today by Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Steve Call to talk about the complexities of marriage relationships. Dan and Steve recently co-authored a book titled, "The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight." If you are committed to the growth of yourself and your spouse, marriage will be hard. Today, Dan and Steve talk about how the look and feel of our present marriag
165 A Concise Explanation of Avoidant and Ambivalent Attachment
I dive into a detailed explanation of avoidant and ambivalent attachment. I explain why and how a child develops each of these insecure attachment styles. I then outline how you are supposed to know in adulthood if you have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. Your attachment style (secure, avoidant, or ambivalent) profoundly affects how you experience relationships and how you express your
164 Engaging Your Cultural/Collective Story
The fundamental premise of story work is that your past story is affecting your present life. This is just as true for your collective story as it is for your individual story. Your present day to day life is deeply affected by the past story of the collective to which you belong. The story of America bears great glory and great sin, just like the story of Mexico, Poland, and Thailand. Every cultu
163 Implicit Memory: What It Is and Why It Matters
Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the present. There are two layers of memory: explicit and implicit. There are two key attributes of implicit memory that are critical to understand. First, implicit memories are created whether you are paying attention or not. In other words, when you were a child, you recorded tons of information about your environ
162 Triangulation: What It Is and Why It Matters
Triangulation occurs when a parent requires a child to function as an emotional adult by meeting the parent's adult needs and wants. Were you required to give, give, give to your parent, or was your parent continually giving, giving, giving emotionally to you? In a healthy parent-child relationship, there is plenty of connection—but the parent never imposes their emotional needs on the child. Tria
161 Exploring Your Sexual Story With Curiosity and Kindness
Sexuality is an emotionally charged topic. Period. But when you are talking about sexuality for people with a history of trauma, you are stepping into terrain where angels fear to tread. However, if God intends for you to experience overflowing sexual pleasure and lavish sexual freedom, then exploring your sexual story is more than worth it. Human beings are aroused by particular things in the pre
160 The Weight of Religious and Spiritual Expectations with Reid Zeller
I am joined today by therapist and friend Reid Zeller who shares a story about egging cars when he was 16. Behind every story is a backstory. The backstory includes the nature of the environment we grew up in. When religious or spiritual expectations are placed on the shoulders of a child, pressure builds within that child. And when that pressure inevitably leads to a bursting, what results is alw
159 Revisiting the Big Six: What You Needed from Your Parents
When you were a child, you were deeply dependent on your primary caretakers. This means that the development of your brain was contingent upon the level of care and kindness in your family environment. Today I identify the six things you needed from your parents, and give examples of each. The "Big Six" things you needed from your parents include (1) attunement, (2) responsiveness, (3) engagement,
158 The Critical Relationship Between Attachment and Affect Regulation
If you have difficulty regulating your emotion, there is a reason for that! No one comes out of the womb with the ability to regulate their affect. The way you develop the neurobiological structures to regulate your own emotions is by having your affect interactively regulated by another. This is the main gift that a primary caregiver gives to a child. Another name for this gift is "secure attachm
157 What If My Story Isn't That Bad? Why We All Tend to Minimize Our Wounds
This episode is for people who experience emotional pain but feel like "nothing that bad happened to me growing up. I had a pretty good childhood." As it says in Jeremiah 6, it is very common to dress our wounds as though they are not serious. One way we tend to minimize our wounds is by comparing our story to someone else who "had it worse." Another way we minimize our wounds is by spiritualizing
156 Five Objections to Engaging Your Story: A Response
When I began exploring my story, five objections kept coming up for me. These objections kept me stuck. In today's episode, I respond to each of the five objections. Objection 1: I should focus on the present and the future, not "dwell on the past." Objection 2: Looking at my story is self-indulgent, introspective navel gazing; I should be focused on God and others rather than focused on myself. O
155 Why Engaging Your Story Heals Your Brain
My invitation to you today is simple: to take your story seriously. Engaging your story is the single most important thing you can do to experience healing. When I say "your story," I'm talking more about the individual scenes than the overarching narrative of your life. Your stories—particularly your stories of heartache or harm—have shaped your brain more than anything else. Which means that you
154 What Grief Is, How It Heals, and the Pain of Loneliness with J.S. Park
In "As Long As You Need," author J.S. Park writes that "Grief is not about letting go, but about letting in." Letting in sorrow, letting in anger, and especially letting in other people who can be WITH us in our pain. This episode is about all kinds of grief—not merely the grief of losing a loved one. One of Joon Park's main points is that we often experience loneliness in the midst of our sorrow
153 How Your Past Story Affects Your Present Sexuality with Jay Stringer
I am joined today by author Jay Stringer to talk about sexual stuckness/difficulties/pain. Healthy sexuality is deeply tied to the degree to which we have made sense of our story in our family of origin. Sadly, so few of us have ever been asked to connect the dots between our past life story and the sexual difficulties we face in the present. Today, Jay and I try to connect some of those dots. If
152 Learning To Live Inside Your Body with Dr. Hillary McBride
I am joined today by Dr. Hillary McBride to discuss excerpts from her new book titled, "Practices for Embodied Living." Topics covered include: how to feel your feelings, being alive in your body (eroticism), and the story of your relationship to your sensuality and sexuality. Finally, I ask Hillary about her beautiful claim that we often find the Holy precisely in the places we were told not to l
151 What To Do With Desire and Dread with Mike Boland
Pastor and counselor Mike Boland shares a story from when he was 15 years old. It's a story about the interplay of longing for connection and, at the same time, dreading what will be required of him in return. We talk about grooming, and the war of ambivalence that rages in one's body in the midst of abuse. You can find out more about Mike's work at therestinitiative.org.
150 Trauma Heals By Connecting With Others
The opposite of trauma is not "no trauma;" the opposite of trauma is connection. To be human is to be wounded. However, wounds heal naturally when the environment is right… and the right environment for healing is the empathic presence of another person. God made our brains and nervous systems to need one another. This is particularly true when it comes to engaging your story. You cannot engage yo
149 Why Listening To Your Body Leads To Healing Part 2
Today I focus on two important ways that your body tells you things. The first is through your affect. Whenever your affect becomes dysregulated, your body is letting you know valuable information about your present environment… and about your past story. Dysregulation makes implicit memory known. And the second way that your body communicates with you is through impulses. Your body has impulses…
148 The Healing Power of Understanding Your Story with Dan Allender and Cathy Loerzel
You have a story and that story matters. Your story in your family of origin significantly affects the way you think, feel, and act in the world today. This is why Dan Allender says, "It is time to listen to your story." What if healing begins by listening to your story? By reflecting on—and engaging—the experiences in your growing up years, you can better understand why your brain has been shaped
147 Why Listening To Your Body Leads To Healing Part 1
Your body knows things that your enskulled brain does not. Moreover, if you listen, your body will tell you important things—things that will help you heal. Your body is a truth teller. It is the trustworthy prophet from within. In today's episode, I explain why it's so important to listen to your body… and how to do it. Support the show
146 Triangulation and Misguided Hope with Matthias Roberts
Friend and fellow therapist Matthias Roberts joins me today to share a very vulnerable story involving triangulation with his mother. How does an adolescent boy answer his Mom's questions about his homosexuality when Mom is disgusted by it? This is a story about Matthias' deep love for God… and the torment he felt as a result. We talk about Matthias' immense hope that God would "heal" his sexualit
145 How Loneliness Affects The Heart and Mind
Therapist and fellow podcaster Vanessa Sadler shares a story from when she was 11 years old. As children, all of us needed to belong—to feel "a part of." If we did not receive sufficient attunement from our primary caregivers, we likely experienced high levels of loneliness. The dilemma is that it may not have felt like loneliness because it was such a normal part of your life. Vanessa talks candi
144 Embodied Sexuality and Religious/Sexual Trauma with Jenny McGrath
I am joined today by therapist Jenny McGrath who is passionate about helping people heal from the damage of purity culture. One byproduct of purity culture is a disconnection from your body and a distrust of your body. If you feel shame about your body, or especially shame about your sexuality, this episode will hopefully help you. For those who want to dive deeper into these things, please consid
143 Finding Home Again After Religious Trauma with Matthias Roberts
Matthias Roberts joins me today to talk about his book Holy Runaways: Rediscovering Faith After Being Burned By Religion. Topics covered include: why belonging is so crucial for each of us, how to trust when you've been betrayed by others so many times before, and why it's hard to open ourselves to actually receive care when it is available. Support the podcast
142 Healing From Trauma: The Power of "Being With" Part 2
We pick up with Curt sharing about Cora's experience in a story group. Specifically, we talk about about why Cora's intense bouts of panic were her body's way of saying "something is wrong and needs care and attention." We also talk about a woman named Cheyney who experiences deep healing as a result of taking in the acceptance and embrace of other group members in the precise moment when she is f
141 Healing From Trauma: The Power of "Being With" Part 1
Curt Thompson returns to the podcast to talk about how we heal from trauma. In short, trauma and emotional pain begin to heal when our stories are witnessed by an empathetic other. Curt shares a story from his newest book about a woman named Cora, who is disconnected from her emotions and finds it very hard to receive care from Curt. Curt's newest book about suffering and healing is called The Dee
140 Trauma, Resilience, and Race with Jimmy McGee and Rebecca Wheeler Walston
Jimmy McGee and Rebecca Wheeler Walston join me to talk about how they came to understand the importance of trauma and story engagement. If you want to engage your story in more depth, the Impact Movement is hosting an online event called Hope and Anchor Story Weekend. This zoom event will take place Sept 30 to Oct 1. You can find out more here. Support the Podcast
139 Role Reversal: When A Child Becomes A Parent
I am joined today by my friend Rebekah, who shares a story from when she was six years old. Topics covered include: feeling like there is something wrong with you but not knowing what it is, self-doubt about how you see reality, difficulty trusting your gut, learning to listen to your body and to trust the information that it is giving you. Support the podcast
138 How To Heal From Sorrow and Grief Part 5 with Mary Ellen Owen
Fellow therapist Mary Ellen Owen joins me today to share her journey with sorrow. Like many people with trauma, it took Mary Ellen years to find her tears, years to befriend her sorrow. Although she cognitively knew that grief was necessary for healing, something within her said "hell no" to feeling the unfelt sorrow. In this final episode in a series on grief and sorrow, Mary Ellen shares how she
137 How to Heal From Sorrow and Grief Part 4 with Heather Stringer
I am joined today by Heather Stringer, who has lots of experience creating rituals that heal. Heather begins by describing two rituals: one focused on recovering from sexual assault and the second focused on preparing for a double mastectomy surgery. Heather and I talk about why ritual is so unfamiliar to many of us, and the healing that occurs when we begin to move our bodies in particular ways,
136 Engaging Another Person's Story: Why It's Important and How To Do It
I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about how to engage another person's story. Effective story engagement is not a magical skill that some people have and some people don't. It can be learned. Today we give a preview of some of the principles and tactics of effective story engagement. If you want to learn more, consider joining us on Saturday, May 13, for a zoom conference on How to Engage Anoth
135 How Your Story Affects Your Sexuality
Jay Stringer joins me to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our story in our family of origin. Sexual struggles are rooted in our stories—and, very often, our stories of attachment to our primary caretakers. As Jay puts it, "When it comes to sexual struggles, there are always two story lines at play: there is the story line of your present sexual struggles, and
134 How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 3
In order to heal from sorrow, we need to move our bodies as we participate in rituals of honoring and releasing our sorrow. A ritual is a sequence of bodily movements and symbolic actions performed with emotion and intention for the purpose of healing and transformation. By the end of this episode, I hope you have a good understanding of what a ritual is and why rituals work. And I hope you begin
133 How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 2
This is part 2 in a series of episodes on how to engage our sorrow and grief in a way that brings healing. The focus today is on the four conditions needed to allow us to work with sorrow and grief. First, we need to own that our sorrows and griefs matter and should be taken seriously. Second, we need to gradually move from a posture of contempt toward our sorrow and grief to a posture of compassi
132 How to Heal from Sorrow and Grief Part 1
For most modern people, the place we find ourselves is in a land where grief and sorrow are unwelcome. Most of us do not feel like the people around us can bear the depth of our sorrow and grief. And since we don't want to risk our sense of belonging—our sense of acceptance—we hide our sorrow and grief. But sorrow and grief are real. In today's episode, I identify some of the types of sorrow and g
131 Engaging Your Family of Origin Story with Dan Allender
This episode is a joint release of The Allender Center podcast and The Place We Find Ourselves. We have all experienced hurt, abandonment, or disappointment at the hands of our parents or caretakers, whether it was intentional or not. So much of our beauty and brokenness — so much of what makes us human — is tied to our family of origin. In today's episode, Dan Allender and I discuss what it means
130 But Then Something Happened
I'm joined today by theologian and author Pete Enns, who also co-hosts a podcast called The Bible for Normal People. Although we talk about quantum physics at the end, the focus of our conversation is "What do you do when you experience something that calls into question your understanding of who God is and what God is doing in the world?" Pete calls these experiences curveballs, and he suggests t
129 What Gets in the Way of Healing? Four Obstacles
God created our hearts, minds, and bodies to heal. When the conditions are right, healing will occur. Therefore, it's important to clear away the things that block the right conditions for healing. Today I discuss four of the most common obstacles to healing: minimizing your story, spiritualizing the bad things that have happened to you, self-contempt, and the frenetic pace of your life. Support t
128 When Bible Verses Are Used Against You (or, Is Your Heart Really Trustworthy?)
Last year I saw an Instagram post asking people to share stories of Bible verses that had been used against them. The comments section was devastating. I read story after story of how the Bible had been used to do immense harm. The verse that was most frequently mentioned? Jeremiah 17:9, which says, "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." In today's episode I take a close look a
127 Trauma, Fragmentation, and the Soothing Certainty of Dogmatism
Connections between brain regions lead to a healthy and stable brain (and a healthy and stable life). Trauma prevents these brain connections. This is known as fragmentation. In today's episode, I explain how trauma leads to fragmentation in the brain and why fragmentation makes you feel unstable in your day to day life. I then suggest that when we feel unstable, we are drawn toward theologies and
126 When Neglect Is Not Really Neglect
Pascale Wright joins me today to share a very vulnerable story from her childhood. The temptation is to view her story as one of neglect… but it's not. We cover a lot of ground today, including: Pascale's ambivalence about longing for care from her therapist and being afraid of his care at the same time, how our family of origin story plays out in the client-therapist relationship, how our family
125 Spiritual Wounding: What It Is and How To Heal Part 2
Today's episode looks more deeply at the spiritual abuse KJ Ramsey suffered at the hands of Christian leaders. We begin by talking about the relationship that many Christians have with their emotions. Drawing from her story of spiritual abuse, KJ talks about the pull to silence parts of ourselves in the name of belonging. We each have a deep desire to belong… and the fear of exclusion sometimes ke
124 Spiritual Wounding: What It Is and How to Heal Part 1
I am joined by KJ Ramsey to talk through her new book, "The Lord Is My Courage." KJ explains why it's so important to be honest and clear about the ways we have been harmed, and how our bodies often reveal truths about our trauma that our minds are afraid to speak out loud. Gabor Mate says that "Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness." KJ
123 Is Hope Reasonable?
Many people with a history of trauma find themselves stuck. Stuck in a place of hopelessness about our own healing. It's this sense of "nothing significant is really going to change for me." The present ordering of your life—the way things are—claims to be the final ordering of your life. Drawing from the book of Jeremiah, today's episode explores the question, "What if God is free to create a new
122 A Pastor's Journey of Exploring His Story and Addressing His Trauma with Rich Villodas
I'm joined today by Rich Villodas, pastor of New Life Church in New York City. Rich shares a story of trauma that happened when he was 12 years old. He then explains how that traumatic experience was reenacted 30 years later. We also cover how and why Rich decided to explore his own story, as well as the importance of listening to our bodies in our day to day life. If you want to hear more from Ri
121 Why It's So Important To Understand Your Story
Cathy Loerzel joins me to talk about why it's so important to do the work to understand your story, particularly your family of origin story. In short, the three reasons are: understanding your story will allow you to experience healing, stop reenacting your past in the present, and discover what you are meant to do in your part of the world (discover your kingdom). Near the beginning of the episo
120 How To Engage Someone's Story Part 4
This is the final episode in a four-part series on how to engage another person's story. We conclude by looking at the final seven tactics for effective story engagement. Tactic 6: Continually bring your dialogue with the storyteller back to the story they have shared. Tactic 7: Identify the storyteller's feeling of complicity in their abuse. Tactic 8: This is going to sound both odd and wrong: yo
119 How To Engage Someone's Story Part 3
In Part 3 of this series on how to engage someone's story, we look at five specific tactics you can use. Tactic 1: Explore the trauma before the trauma. Tactic 2: Explore triangulation. Tactic 3: Ask (good) provocative questions. Tactic 4: Invite the storyteller to be embodied as they are engaging with you. Tactic 5: Name and address betrayal, powerlessness, and ambivalence in the story. Support t
118 How To Engage Someone's Story Part 2
This is part 2 of a series of episodes on how to engage another person's story. Today, we look at principles 3-7 of effective story engagement. Principle 3: Use the exquisite instrument that is your body. Principle 4: Always be monitoring the storyteller's affect. Principle 5: Your right brain matters much more than your left brain when you are engaging someone's story. Principle 6: Remember that
117 How To Engage Someone's Story Part 1
Engaging another person's story is a skill that can be learned! Over the course of the next four episodes, I will explain how to engage another person's story well. Today, I discuss the first two principles of effective story engagement. Principle 1: Attunement is more important than engaging the story brilliantly. Principle 2: Kindness will take you further than skill. Support the podcast
116 Restorative Practices: How to Care for Our Hearts and Bodies in the Wake of Trauma with John Eldredge
John Eldredge joins me today to talk about how to care for our hearts and bodies in the wake of trauma. Topics include how to navigate life when you feel deeply disappointed by God, how to access the mothering of God, and why it's so important to get a piece of paper and write down our losses so that we might grieve them. Today's episodes is based on John's new book "Resilient: Restoring Your Wear
115 Why It's So Important To Tell Your Story To An Attuned Listener with Curt Thompson
I am joined today by Christian neuroscientist Curt Thompson. In this vulnerable conversation, Curt and I talk about: why our brains change when we share our story with another human being who is attuned to us, why engaging your story is the single best way to become a better parent, and why it's so important to pay attention to the younger parts of ourselves. Support the podcast
114 Making Sense of Your Story: Why It's Necessary To Name Intentionality Part 2
This is part 2 of a discussion on the necessity of naming intentional harm. You can't heal until your brain has constructed an accurate and coherent autobiographical narrative of your life. Today I introduce the idea of antisocial empathy, which is a very important concept from David Schnarch's book Brain Talk. I also talk about how to heal when traumatic mind-mapping results in gaps in your memor
113 Making Sense of Your Story: Why It's Necessary to Name Intentionality Part 1
Naming intentionality matters because if you are unsure about whether or not the other person meant to hurt you, it will be very difficult for you to heal from your wounds. This is because you can't heal until your brain has constructed an accurate and coherent autobiographical narrative of your life: the narrative has to be true and it has to make sense. Drawing from David Schnarch's book Brain T
112 The Power of Compassion and Curiosity Toward Ourselves with Aundi Kolber
I am joined today by Aundi Kolber, the author of Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode — and into a Life of Connection and Joy. We discuss the importance of paying attention to what is happening inside your body, as well as having a posture of compassion and curiosity toward your internal experience. We often respond to our life experiences by "trying ha
111 Redeeming Heartache: How Goodness Can Come Out Of Trauma
Bonus episode! Cathy Loerzel and I dive into why it's crucial to take your wounds seriously, and how your wounds lead to the "orphan experience," "stranger experience," and/or "widow experience." We also talk about what redemption looks like for each of these three types of wounding. Jesus takes our experiences of trauma and redeems them. That is, God creates glory, meaning and calling out of the
110 How Do You Move Through Past Trauma?
Jerry Sittser is the author of A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss. He is no stranger to trauma. Jerry and I cover the following topics in this episode: our tendency to try to muscle our way through pain; how adversity in our present life invites us to return to our past story; and how to keep going when facing sadness, anger, exhaustion, and longing. Support the podcast
109 Anxiety: What It Is and How To Respond To It
Anxiety can be so debilitating. But what exactly is it? Why do we feel anxious? And how can we address it? Anxiety is what you feel when you are avoiding important unfelt emotions. And your anxiety is almost always related to some particular part of your story. Support the podcast
108 Your Story And Your Sexuality
I am joined today by Jay Stringer to talk about the relationship between our current sexual difficulties and our attachment histories. At some point in our lives, each of us will encounter difficulties in our sexual life. It might be the compulsive use of unwanted sexual behavior or a struggle to locate any sexual desire at all. Sexual struggles are rooted in our stories—and, very often, our stori
107 Racial Trauma: What's Going On? Part 2
This is part 2 of my interview with Wendell Moss about racial trauma. Today we continue to discuss the importance of naming what has been true of the past so that we might be free from it. We also begin to talk about what the path toward healing looks like, including the role of lament in the healing process. Support the podcast
106 Racial Trauma: What's Going On? Part 1
I am joined today by Wendell Moss. Wendell is a therapist, an instructor at the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, and part of The Allender Center teaching staff. We discuss a blog post Wendell wrote for The Allender Center called, "Racial Trauma: The Marks We Bear." Topics covered include the importance of naming what has been true of our collective past and what is required for healing t
105 Complicity: Why Sexual Abuse Is So Damaging and How To Address It
Complicity often haunts people with a history of trauma more than anything else. The essence of complicity is the sense that I volitionally participated in my own abuse. In today's episode, I outline four ways in which we may feel complicit in our abuse, and then talk about how to address the feeling of complicity by blessing arousal. Support the podcast
104 When The Church Harms You
Rebecca Wheeler Walston joins me today to talk about how she came to engage her story in more depth. She also shares a story of significant harm at the hands of fellow Christians. It is a story of harm from those in a position of spiritual authority. Rebecca and I talk about how hard it is to make sense of experiences of spiritual abuse. We also ponder the role that envy may have played in her sto
103 How To Engage Another Person's Story
I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about how to engage another person's story. Effective story engagement is not a magical skill that some people have and some people don't. It can be learned. Today we give a preview of some of the principles and tactics of effective story engagement. If you want to learn more, consider joining us on Saturday, February 19, for a one day zoom conference on How to
102 Talking To Your Children About Sex: The Practical Stuff
Bethany Robbins returns to identify the key points to cover when you talk to your children about sex, including the subject of pornography and the importance of naming the feeling of sexual arousal and blessing that feeling rather than communicating that sexual arousal is bad or dangerous. We also talk about how you can gauge your own sexual health, how you can know the degree to which you are sex
101 Talking To Your Children About Sex: Two Stories
I am joined today by Bethany Robbins to address the subject of talking to your children about sex. Bethany and I each share a story about how our parents talked to us about sex. It's important to understand how your story is playing out in the way you talk to your children about sex… or don't talk to your children about sex. Here's the main point: your story in your family of origin is profoundly
100 No Cure For Being Human with Kate Bowler
I am joined today by author Kate Bowler to talk about her recently released book No Cure For Being Human. Topics covered: the very human desire to have a blueprint or formula for how to live life (and why this doesn't work), coming undone by tragedy (such as a Stage IV cancer diagnosis at age 35), and the (false) promise of American individualism which says that we can conquer not only the externa
99 Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling (Bonus Episode)
Cathy Loerzel and Dan Allender join me today to talk about their newly published book Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling. Cathy and Dan reflect on what redemption actually means in the context of our stories, why they believe redemption is possible, and how our experiences of being an orphan, a stranger, and a widow can shape our sense of personal calling. If you want
98 Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 5
This is the final episode in the series on interacting with someone who has harmed you. Today we look at what it means to establish clear boundaries and put relational consequences in place when necessary. I also talk about what is involved in forgiveness and reconciliation. Please consider supporting the podcast by clicking here. Support the podcast
97 The Story Your Body Is Telling (Bonus Episode)
Your body tells a story. The sensations in your body reveal something about what you have experienced, what you hold, and what you carry. Most of us are either unaware of the sensations in our bodies, or we ignore them, or we war against them. An alternative is to pay attention to your body and to become curious about what your body may be telling you. Jenny McGrath joins me today to talk about he
96 Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 4
Today's focus is how to engage with, love, and honor a wicked person. Direct confrontation is not going to work. You need to be cunning, shrewd, and strategically disruptive. Think "surprise attacks of disruptive kindness" rather than direct confrontation. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman point out that the key to loving a wicked person is "insightful preparation, clear boundaries, and courageous
95 Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 3
What does it mean to honor your father/mother when they have harmed you? What does it mean to love someone who has harmed you? Today's episode looks at these two questions. Love always disrupts the status quo. In other words, when you engage with someone in a loving way, your relationship with them will change. They will either harden or soften toward you—but the current state of the relationship
94 Engaging With Someone Who Has Harmed You Part 2
This is part 2 of a series of episodes focused on how to interact with someone who has harmed you. Today's episode identifies two additional attributes of wicked people—namely scapegoating and intellectual deviousness. If you confront a wicked person about their sin or failure—instead of examining their heart and feeling sorrow and guilt for how they have hurt you—a wicked person will somehow shif
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