Making Polyamory Work
Grounded in reality and untamed honesty, Libby Sinback tackles the hard questions about how to create and maintain authentic, loving and healthy nonmonogamous relationships.
Episodes
Mono-Poly Secret Sauce
How do you make a mixed-orientation relationship work? There are SO many ways. In this episode, Libby talks with Fernanda of the Polycurious Podcast about how she does it with her partner, who is monogamous.You can find Fernanda’s work here: https://www.polycurious.com/https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast/https://www.youtube.com/@polycuriouspodcasthttps://www.tiktok.com/@polycuriousHere’s
How to Hold Space
Learning to hold space for people you love is an essential relationship skill. In this episode, Libby breaks down what holding space is, why it's important, and how to practice it.Join my email list to learn about the new membership offering coming soon! https://www.libbysinback.com/emailWhat it Means to Hold Space for Someone by Heather Plett: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/11-things-that-w
John and Jamie Shouldn't Open Their Marriage
Meet John and Jamie, a made-up couple with a very real story. What do you think? Should they open their marriage?SHOW LINKSEmily Nagoski on Making Polyamory Work: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/Maintenance-Sx-with-Emily-Nagoski-e2kpe5p/a-abbns15Fair Play by Eve Rodsky: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780525541943All About Love by bell hooks: https://bookshop.org/a/9
Primal Panic
Sometimes in polyamorous relationships, our attachment system gets activated, something Jessica Fern calls "primal panic" in her book Polysecure. In this episode, Libby discusses primal panic, what can trigger it, and some tools to navigate it. SHOW LINKS:Join Libby for an Open Community Call: https://go.libbysinback.com/community-callsPolysecure by Jessica Fern: https://bookshop.org/a/9
I'm Having Dating Success, but my Partner Isn't
Libby is joined by Mel Cassidy, author of the new book, Radical Relating, A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy to answer a listener question: how do I handle things if I'm having dating success and my partner isn't? I'm having a joyful, expansive experience, and my partner is sitting on the bench feeling unwanted and envious? This experience is so co
Incoming
Most advice about polyamory focuses on established couples, often overlooking the unique challenges faced by "incoming partners" aka those entering a relationship with someone who already has a long-established relationship. In this episode, Libby offers support and advice for those incoming partners so that they can feel empowered in a situation that can feel really tricky to navigate.E
Polyamory and Cohabiting with Laura Boyle
Libby invites Laura Boyle of Ready for Polyamory to join her on the show to talk about living together, chores, finances, coparenting, and more - all things having to do with cohabiting and polyamory. --------------Show Links: Laura's website: https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/ Laura's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/readyforpolyamory/Monogamy? In this Economy? (The Book):https://book
Good Grief
Libby talks about feeling grief and letting it move through you rather than being in a state of constant fixing as a way of avoiding it. --------------My episode on holding space: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/no-advice-pleaseWhat it Means to Hold Space for Someone by Heather Plett11 Ways to Hold Space for Someone by Reaca Pearl-----------------------Also! Libby has created a workbo
Is this okay?
Libby invites Mia Schacter of Consent Wizardry to join her to answer two listener questions. The first one asks, what if I don't feel intense NRE with a new partner? Does that mean something or is it okay? The second asks, Is it okay for me to not want my partner to date monogamous people or is that something I need to learn to be okay with?---------------------------Find Consent Wizardryon Instag
Leaning In
Libby invites her spouse, Drew to talk the established partner's side of the experience LIbby described in Gamechanger. -----------------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life. Go to https://libbysinback.com/workbook to get your copy.-------------
Gamechanger
What happens when a new relationship completely upends everything you thought you knew about yourself? What if that person is a catalyst for more love, sexiness, and aliveness than you ever thought was possible? What does that mean for your existing relationship(s)? In this episode Libby shares her thoughts and a very personal part of her own journey.-----------------------Also! Libby has created
Should You Start Out Open or Closed?
Libby answers a common listener question: When starting a new relationship when you both know you want non-mongamy -- should you be open from the beginning, or should you be monogamous while you establish your partnership? Even if this isn't where you are right now in your polyamory journey, there's something for everyone here in Libby's thoughtful return to Making Polyamory Work.-----
Maintenance S*x with Emily Nagoski
In Part 2 of Libby's conversation with Emily Nagoski, there's a deeper conversation about the concept of "maintenance s*x" and how you may be doing it to safe your relationship, but it may actually be destroying it.
Emily Nagoski's website: https://www.emilynagoski.com/ Emily Nagoski on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/
Emily Nagoski's books (highly recommen
Forget the Spark with Emily Nagoski
The amazing Emily Nagoski joins Libby on Making Polyamory Work to drop truth bomb after truth bomb about sex in long-term relationships.
Emily Nagoski's website: https://www.emilynagoski.com/ Emily Nagoski on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/
Emily Nagoski's books (highly recommended!): https://bookshop.org/contributors/emily-nagoski-4318b5e2-0f22-4415-963b-ce5a1f467607
Why Aren't You Being Fair?
The Multiamory crew takes over Making Polyamory Work to talk about aggressive fairness in polyamory, what it looks like, and how you can find equity in your relationships.
Multiamory's website: https://www.multiamory.com/
My #1 Dating Tip
Let's think about dating and rejection differently. Shine your light.
Relationship Diversity with Carrie Jeroslow
What happens when your relationship (or your life) doesn't look the way you thought it would or were told it was supposed to look? Libby talks with Carrie Jeroslow about how having a relationship diversity mindset may help you make peace and even embrace with how your life and love actually work for YOU.
Carrie's Website: https://www.carriejeroslow.com/
How to Get Help
If you're struggling and need help with your relationships, where should you turn? Libby shares her advice on how to find good help.
Meta analyses of studies that show that therapeutic alliance matters more than therapeutic modality for positive outcomes in therapy: https://psycnet.apa.org/PsycARTICLES/journal/pst/55/4
APA article explaining: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/11/ce-corner-re
Nerding out on Compersion with Marie Thouin
What is compersion? Can you cultivate compersion in yourself and in your relationships? Libby invites Marie Thouin, PhD to discuss her research and book on this important and sometimes misunderstood topic in polyamory.
Marie's book! https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781538183939/What-Is-Compersion-Understanding-Positive-Empathy-in-Consensually-Non-Monogamous-Relationships
Marie's Compersion Resour
Community Care with Genevieve of Chill Polyamory
Libby is joined by Genevieve King of Chill Polyamory to discuss individualism, community care, and ways you can shift your mindset to ecological thinking within polyamorous (or not!) relationship structures.
Genevieve's Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/chillpolyamory
Genevieve on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3PUizxdp_vj2A5fUdBgzgw
Genevieve's website: https://www.chillpo
Sexual Health When You're Positive with Courtney Brame
Libby invites Courtney Brame of Something Positive for Positive People to discuss herpes, stigma, and sexual health.
Something Positive for Positive People: https://www.spfpp.org/
SPFPP Podcast: https://www.spfpp.org/podcast Herpes Stigma Virtual Conference in May: https://www.spfpp.org/offerings/p/conferences
Courtney's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/courtneybrame_/
Offer or Request?
Libby discusses the distinction between offers and requests in relating and how important it can be to make sure you're saying what you actually mean.
Kai Cheng Thom's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kaichengthom/?hl=en Spectrum of Consent: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kvYW4eSVKRuwUt5Mc-DnCyNVzvA036f8/view?usp=sharing
Marcia Baczynski on Desire Smuggling: https://askingforwhatyo
Navigating Asexuality with Aubri Lancaster
Libby talks with AASECT-certified sexuality educator Aubri Lancaster about asexuality and aromanticism.
Aubri's website: https://acesexeducation.com/
Aubri's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/acesexeducation/
Is Hierarchy bad?
Libby shares her thoughts about debate about whether hierarchy is bad or wrong in polyamory.
Additional reading: Lola Phoenix - the Hierarchy Polyamorous People Don't Talk Enough About: https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/the-hierarchy-polyamorous-people-dont-talk-enough-about/
Ready for Polyamory - Is there a Problem with Hierarchy https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/guest-post-is-there-a-pro
Unmet Needs in Polyamory
Most folks practicing nonmonogamy accept that no one person can meet all their needs. And yet, sometimes it can be challenging when a new partner starts meeting needs that haven't been met by an established relationship. In this episode Libby explores the trickiness when new relationships fulfill desires that established ones don't some ideas to help you navigate this situation well.
Ther
Seriously! Compassion
This week Libby shares a re-release from December 2019 about the science of compassion, and why it's key to loving relationships, including the one with yourself.
The Gottman Institute on Contempt: https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/
The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-com
Sacred Unraveling in Polyamory with Joli Hamilton
Part two of Libby's conversation with Dr. Joli Hamilton where they discuss how navigating differences can open a relationship and the people in it into transformation.
Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/
The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO
Individuation and Navigating Differences with Joli Hamilton
What happens when exploring different relationship styles reveals uncomfortable differences between you and a partner? In this episode, Libby talks with Dr. Joli Hamilton about polyamory as a sacred process of individuation and grief.
Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/
The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO
Solo Polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer
Long-requested, Libby discusses solo polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer, author, organizer, diversity consultant.. and solo polyamorist.
SHOW LINKS:
Crystal's website: https://crystalbyrdfarmer.com/
Crystal's book: https://newsociety.com/books/t/the-token
Solo polyamory: https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/
Polyamory and Neurodivergence with Alyssa Gonzalez Pt 2
In this part 2, Libby and Alyssa talk through some of the challenges that can show up in nonmonogamy for people who are neurodiverse
Polyamory and Neurodivergence with Alyssa Gonzalez Pt. 1
Libby and Alyssa discuss being neurodiverse and how polyamory and being neurodiverse can complement each other beautifully.
Triangulation
Triangles show up in relationships all over the place. In this episode Libby discusses triangulation, what it is, common ways it can show up in polyamory, and whether triangulation can harm or help.
When I Don't Use Boundaries
Libby talks through when she personally does NOT opt for boundaries, and why boundaries are often the last move she will make in navigating relationship difficulties.
What is a Boundary Violation? with Juliane Taylor Shore
Libby and Jules answer a listener who asks, "If boundaries are between you and you, then what is a boundary violation?" Jules also goes over her 6 steps to setting an external boundary.
Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/
Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-br
Your Brain on Boundaries with Juliane Taylor Shore
Libby is joined by author and therapist Juliane Taylor Shore to talk about internal boundaries and how crucial they are (even though they are often not talked about or overlooked when people talk about boundaries.)
Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/
Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help
Codependence
The word "codependent" comes up a lot in polyamory spaces, but so often it is misused that it's losing its meaning. Libby talks about her dislike of the term, how she thinks it often is used to shame and pathologize perfectly normal human needs, and how she likes to talk about codependence differently.
Boundaries Aren't Magic
A lot of people are talking about boundaries now. But as Inigo Montoya once said, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." In this episode Libby explains that boundaries are not a magic way to get people to do what you want them to do.
Dating as a Couple
Nothing is a hot-button topic quite like a couple looking to date the same person. A lot of people have only one piece of advice, "Don't," often served with heaping portions of shame and ridicule. Yet, year after year, established couples seek to find a shared partner, and many folks also seek relationships with established couples. Is there something to this? In this episode, Libby offers some th
Polyamory After an Affair
Increasingly, Libby hears from folks who are interested in polyamory to solve a problem: either they or their partner cheated, and they want to repair and stay together, and nonmonogamy seems like a solution. In this episode, Libby outlines why it's rarely that simple.
The Heart Wants What it Wants
Libby offers an uncomfortable but necessary reality check: love alone doesn't conquer all.
Uhauling
Maybe you know the joke, maybe you don't, but showing up for a second date with a uhaul can be risky. In this episode, Libby goes over why she thinks cohabiting during the new relationship energy (NRE) phase might not be the best idea, and what to do instead.
What’s Your Story?
We all carry stories with us about who we are, our place in the world, how others will see us, and what's possible for our lives. Some of these stories are stories we like, some are stories we want to write a new ending to. But did you know that try as you might to change the story, there's an invisible force that may be acting on you that might sabotage your efforts? In this episode, Libb
Revoke Your Moral License
Do you sometimes use doing "the right" or "good' things as an excuse to then turn around and do "bad" or "selfish" things? There's a name for this - it's called moral licensing, and it may not just be messing up your goals, but possibly your relationships.
The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonagal: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781583335086
Article
Don't Ask, Don't Tell with Jessica Fern (Part 2)
In Part 2, Polysecure author, Jessica Fern and Libby talk about a very specific arrangement that relates to privacy/secrecy: the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) relationship. Together they discuss why you might want a DADT arrangement, when it can work, and when it might not.
Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933
Southwest Lovefest (
Privacy, Secrecy, and Transparency with Jessica Fern (Part 1)
Polysecure author, Jessica Fern joins Libby to talk about a much-asked for topic, Privacy, Secrecy and Transparency. Together they share their own experiences, what they've learned, and how they advise people to handle sharing information. It can be tricky, but there are ways to make it easier!
Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933 
The Ladder of Accountability
Libby shares one of her favorite tools for owning your ish when you mess up with someone you care about.
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023
What if We Don't Have Sex? With Chaneè Jackson Kendall
Chaneè and Libby answer a question from a listener who identifies as asexual who asked about non-sexual polyamorous relationships. Chaneè identifies as almost-megasexual, Libby identifies as greyace/demisexual, so you can imagine that it is a RICH conversation. They talk about nonsexual partnerships, chosen family, grief, vulnerability and choosing the love that you want for your life. This one
Relational Privilege with Akilah Riley-Richardson Part 2
In part 2 of Libby's conversation with Akilah Riley-Richardson, Akilah shares her PRIDE model for supporting couples who are working to create safety and resilience in their relationships.
Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/
Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/
Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Han
Relational Privilege with Akilah Riley-Richardson Part 1
In this episode, Libby talks with couples therapist and trauma specialist Akilah Riley-Richardson about relational privilege and how essential it is to create safety in order to find intimacy. (Part 1 of 2)
Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/
Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/
Resmaa Menek
Values and Belonging, Part 2
In Part 2 of this episode, Libby shares her journey to getting clear on her values, figuring out how to act within her integrity and how that led her to find her way to true belonging.
Braving the WIlderness by Brene Brown
Southwest Love Fest (Use code "GOSLOW" for a 10% discount)
Values and Belonging, Part 1
Libby introduces a new season of Making Polyamory Work with a very personal reflection on belonging, fitting in, values and integrity.
Coming Out To Your Kids
Libby and Catherine of Expansive Connection answer a listener question about coming out to older kids.
https://www.expansiveconnection.com/
https://www.expansiveconnection.com/enm
https://www.instagram.com/expansive.connection.coaching/
[Replay] The Holiday Minefield
Libby reviews some of the biggest challenges that can show up around the holiday season when you're non-monogamous and how to navigate them without exploding an already stressful season.
There's Nothing to Fear
LIbby talks about how important it is to talk about fears with our partners. How we respond when our partner shares a fear with us can make a tremendous difference in how we tend to them and ourselves.
New Information Shock
Libby describes the phenomenon known as New Information Shock and how to handle it when you encounter it in your relationships.
The Most Important Step of Repair
If you want to make a good repair, there's one step that Libby wishes people prioritized more.
Mia Mingus - The Four Parts of Accountability & How To Give A Genuine Apology: https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/12/18/how-to-give-a-good-apology-part-1-the-four-parts-of-accountability/
Repair Episode: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/slow-down-to-break-up?rq=repair
Breadcrumbing and Signposting
One tool that might help you with rocking-the-boat type conversations.
Agreements Are Great
Libby talks about why she likes agreements, what purpose they serve in relationships, and some things to watch out for when making them with your partners.
Why Predicting Future feelings is So Difficult: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200825-why-predicting-our-future-feelings-is-so-difficult
Where Is This Going?
Libby speaks about the Relationship Escalator, and talks about some ways she has found to step off it.
Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: https://offescalator.com/
Solo Poly: https://solopoly.net/
How Do I Know if I'm Polyamorous?
Libby is joined by Multiamory's Dedeker Winston to answer a listener who asks two questions: How do I know if I'm polyamorous? And, how should I go about dating if I'm not sure?
Dedeker Winston: https://www.dedekerwinston.com/
Multiamory: https://www.multiamory.com/
Kathy Labriola's Jealousy Workbook: https://bookshop.org/books/the-jealousy-workbook-exercises-and-insights-for-managing-
Food
Libby names the 10th relationship of a modern marriage: Food.
Leave Room in a Crisis
Libby talks about the costs of operating your time, energy, and attention at full capacity by default, and why it's worth considering intentionally having more downtime to recharge and also so that you have some room to push if there's a need or crisis.
Happiness is Other People: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/27/opinion/sunday/happiness-is-other-people.html
One Secret to Happiness: Relatio
9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage
Did you know that marriage as conventionally practiced in the 21st century (in a lot of the world at least) is actually like... 9 different relationships. In this episode, Libby explains those 9 relationships, and how what marriage is trying to do is pack a whole village into one other person. She asks the question, what could we do instead that might work better?
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SHOW LINK
Know Your Power
How empowered are you in your relationships? Have you stopped to notice where you might be disempowered... or too empowered? In this episode, Libby talks about power dynamics and how important it is to name them if you want to have relationally-empowered partnerships.
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Libby is presenting at Southwest Lovefest Virtual Con April 24th! https://www.swlovefest.com/virtualcon2
On Drop
Do you know what drop is? In this episode, Libby explains drop, what it is, why it's rough, and what you can do to make it a little easier to deal with.
Veto Happens
The relationship veto is a controversial topic in polyamory circles. Libby talks about what vetoes are, how they can happen without being called a veto, and how they aren't always a bad thing.
Yes Intent Does Matter
"Intent doesn't matter." That statement has cropped up in multiple conversations online and in person over the years. In this epsiode, Libby shares why that simply isn't true, at least not when it comes to a valued relationship.
For Your Mom
In this episode, Libby speaks to parents of adult polyamorous children who may be having a hard time with the idea.
SHOW LINKS:
It's Called Polyamory: https://thorntreepress.com/its-called-polyamory/
When Someone You Love is Polyamorous: https://thorntreepress.com/when-someone-you-love-is-polyamorous/
The Coffee Break Primer on Polyamory: https://adapowers.medium.com/the-coffee-break-polyam
Are you Checking Out or Checking In?
One of the most important things in relationship is to act with intention rather than reactivity, but if we're so busy and distracted all the time, it's really hard to slow down enough to do anything but react when we're upset. Libby invites you to ask yourself this question, "Are you checking out or checking in?"
Show Links:
Your Smartphone is Making you Stupid: https://www.theatlanti
Doing It in a Group
In this epsiode, Libby gives you her best tips for having awesome sexytimes with groups of 3 or more.
CN: NSFW. Mature content, including explicit mentions of sexual behaviors in this episode. So um, you may want your headphones in.
The Still Face
Libby talks about the effect withdrawal patterns can have on our nervous systems, and how to navigate that if it is showing up in your relationship.
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Asking Needs To Be Okay
"How could she ask for that?" is a phrase I have heard before. It's a phrase I've even said. But I firmly believe, it's okay to ask for whatever you want. The problem lies in whether or not your partner feels like they can say no.
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
This May Be a Bitter Pill
Sometimes in our relationships we reach a point where something needs to change or it just won't work for us. But is that even possible? Or do you have to break up? Libby goes over two losing strategies that a lot of people try when they want something different from their partner than what they're getting, and offers what she believes is a better way to get what you want.
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When is it Okay to Have a One P*nis Policy?
By listener request, Libby talks about the one p*nis policy and why it's not a great idea (and the one time it's okay.)
CN: language. Libby uses several words for the male genitalia on this episode.
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RECOMMENDED READING For the Love of Men by Liz Plank
The Will to Change by bell hooks
I Don't Wanna Talk About It by Terrence Real
Playing Fair by Pep
Getting Closure
In her recent workshop Break Up Better, Libby answers a question from a participant: "How can I get the other person to own their part to help with closure [after a breakup]?"
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The Break Up Better Workshop is still available! You can purchase the recording here: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
The Great Divide with Terry Real
Libby has special guest Terry Real join her on the show to talk about how patriarchy does its work on our relationships, even for those of us who choose to do things differently.
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Terry Real's website: https://terryreal.com
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Sign up for Breaking Up Better: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
A Rule is just a Bad Agreement
Libby blows up the idea that there is any difference between rules and agreements and offers some alternative ways to communicate and negotiate needs in polyamorous relationships.
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Break Up Better Workshop on November 30 at 7:30 PM: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Coming Out
Libby shares her best tips for coming out as polyamorous, mostly hard won through her own coming out mishaps.
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Break Up Better Workshop on November 30 at 7:30 PM: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Who's it for?
In this episode, Libby outlines 3 different scenarios in which it's unclear who is the giver and who is the receiver, and how to use a magical tool called the Wheel of Consent to help answer this question.
Betty Martin's website: https://bettymartin.org/
The Wheel of Consent: https://bettymartin.org/videos/
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysin
The Holiday Minefield
Libby reviews some of the biggest challenges that can show up around the holiday season when you're non-monogamous and how to navigate them without exploding an already stressful season.
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Kathy Labriola on Polyam Holidays: https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-holiday-tips
Elisabeth Sheff on not coming out during the holidays: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/t
