Free Legal Advice
Free Legal Advice Podcast offers humorous and satirical takes on legal issues, targeting victims of work-related ennui, melancholy, or mesothelioma. The show provides fictional legal advice in an entertaining format.
Episodes
Episode 444 - Your Facts Are Uninteresting and We're No Longer Friends
Did you know that the average fact annoys the living bajesus out of Ben? Did you know that bajesus is what they call Jesus in Australia? Did you know that Australia has more sheep than people? Did you know that sheep wool grows three times faster than human hair? Did you know that a human hair weighs more than ten trillion bacteria? Did you? Huh? DID YOU????
Episode 443 - Send the Navy After That Abstract Concept
Don't fire until you see the whites of the eyes of that abstract concept! That's how wars are won. It's all about which part of the eye you can see. Obviously, the army with better vision wins every single time.
Episode 442 - No, I Haven't Heard of That Song
I'll just save you some time: If you're wondering whether or not I know a certain song, the answer is probably no. If the song was recorded at some point after my own birth, it's a mortal lock. The answers I give to the questions you are about to hear are absolutely true. Yes, I really am that weird.
Episode 441 - Choosing the Right Page Every Time Since 1979
You stumble upon a rogue podcast. It greets you warmly. To respond in kind, go to Episode 260. To ask it to repeat itself, go to Episode 383. To sit down, douse yourself in gasoline, and light a match, go to Episode 8.
Episode 440 - Your Lifestyle Will Consist of Buying Our Things
Your lifestyle, nay, your entire personality, will consist of nothing but purchasing items with our logo on them. That will be the sum total of who you are as a human being. Your life will be measured by dollars spent on us. That is, if we did this thing right. Otherwise, it'll be business as usual. Your life will be measured by dollars spent on something else.
Episode 439 - The Holy Brotherhood of the Cold Open
Matt's got another cold-open-em-up for all you Hoggies out there in Listenerland. And for you non-Hoggies, we've got a special treat this week: The same episode the Hoggies get! That's right, instead of your usual 35-minute-long backwards recording of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass played over the sounds of old men weeping, this week you're actually getting the real episode! It's for one we
Episode 438 - Auditory Array
This had better be the last time Ben does an entire episode of cold opens. Not because these are bad, or anything like that. It's just that I'm running out of alliterative titles for them. I've already used "Podcast Potpourri" and "Audio Assortment." I'm running on fumes, here.
Episode 437 - Developing New Ways to Be Rude in Movie Theaters
This week, we're presented with a problem, and, just like all other weeks, that problem is easily solved by applying a solution from the world of professional wrestling. WAIT, DON'T GO YET! This episode is NOT about pro wrestling, seriously. It's about movies, more than anything. Everyone likes movies, right? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GO! Crap, I shouldn't have even mentioned the wr
Episode 436 - Hands Off Our Swans
Traditions in America only go back a couple of centuries, and they're weird enough as it is. In Britain, the traditions go back a thousand years, and boy, do they get weird. Weird enough that they involve royalty calling dibs on particular swans.
Episode 435 - This Guy Got the Fission AND Fusion Merit Badges
Look for these warning signs in your children: Do they know way too much about nuclear stuff? Do they care way too much about nuclear stuff? Is their room full of way too much nuclear stuff? Do they have a colorful glow around them? It can be any color, they're all equally bad. If you answered yes to any of these questions, your child may be nearing the completion of a dangerous and deadly h
Episode 434 - Infiltrate This Podcast by Listening to It
You can be the person on the inside if you just listen to the podcast. We'll never know that you did it! It'll be your little secret. You'll know all of our private thoughts and feelings. This is infiltration! You're already doing it! Officers, arrest them.
Episode 433 - Era-Defining Hypotheticals
These hypotheticals, well, they... they define an era, like the title said. What more do you need? They're already offering era definition! That should be enough. Anyway, this week we discover who would win between various factions, and it's fun.
Episode 432 - Pay Me for the Door Repair Charge
People who fix things for a living are just like you and me: They're bad at their jobs, but get paid anyway. When you think about it like that, it makes perfect sense that we have so many stories of them screwing up our houses.
Episode 431 - Dulce et Decorum Emu
It's war. The oldest conflict that earth has seen: Man vs. bird. And this time, like every time, the same side wins. But maybe we'll get those bastards next time...
Episode 430 - Why Does Every Movie Ending Suck?
It's true, though: The ending of every movie sucks. Go ahead, name a movie. Seriously, name any movie. Think of any movie at all. Its ending sucks. Try thinking of another movie. That ending sucks, too. See? They all suck! Luckily, we're here to fix that.
Episode 429 - "All You Can Eat" Is Legally Binding
Here's a little legal tip for you: Buffets are legally obligated to serve you until the heat death of the universe. Remember that one. It comes in handy every once in a while.
Episode 428 - Tricking Teenagers into Buying Movie Tickets Since 1958
How do you get people into the theaters? It's the age-old question that has plagued mankind for millennia. Is the answer to make a good movie? No way, that can't be it; that's way too hard! Maybe if you just do a bunch of stupid crap, you can trick people into going? I mean, people are basically cattle, right? This sounds foolproof to me.
Episode 427 - A Quick Dive Through History
Matt's got a few historical nuggets for us to dip into our history sauce packets, chew on with our history teeth, digest with our history bowels, develop heart disease with our history arteries, and die an early death and be buried in our history graves. Come to think of it, it doesn't actually sound like a good idea at all.
Episode 426 - In Which the Shape of Planets Is Debated
Who's to say what shape the earth is, anyway? I say it's the shape of Lincoln's head, but WITHOUT the stovepipe hat. That's what the science supports, and I'm brave enough to believe in science. And don't worry: Now that we've exposed the myths of the flat earth, no one believes in it anymore.
Episode 425 - No Stupid Questions, but There Sure Are Dumb Ones
These questions were asked under the caveat that there are no stupid questions, which makes it impossible to make fun of them for being stupid. Damn 8th amendment. But, thanks to a legal loophole, we ARE able to make fun of them for being dumb. Thank you, 23rd amendment.
Episode 424 - All Boats Should Be Speedboats
Who can say that they don't want to drive a speedboat? Not one single living human being, including members of uncontacted tribes in New Guinea. Though they know nothing of the outside world, each and every single one of them dreams of piloting a 1000 horsepower fiberglass beauty across the waves.
Episode 423 - FLAPzilla - Some Titles Write Themselves
I mean, seriously, what else was this episode ever going to be called? It's about Godzilla, so it should be called FLAPzilla. Duh. I'm sure one of my brothers would suggest that I'd call it something like "Don't Go Fishing in the Rain" or "The Price of Unrelenting Hubris is about $4.99", but I only considered those titles for a couple minutes, SO THERE.
Episode 422 - Free Legal Advice Podcast: 1/5 stars
I listen to this podcast every week, and every week it's great. But this week, the episode wasn't even about the French Revolution. The proprietors of this establishment assured me, as their patron, that this wouldn't happen again, and that all future episodes would be about the French Revolution, purely to please me. They made an excuse, saying that the unexpected explosion of two of the four
Episode 421 - Hold Me Closer, Mountain Dancer
You know how when you lift up a big rock or a log, sometimes you find some kind of bizarre, hideous bug underneath that you've never seen before? Well, today we found the human equivalent of that, and it's both funny and sad.
Episode 420 - Old-ifying the Present of the Video Game Landscape
Old video games did many things right, like not having microtransactions, not having day 1 patches, not having the ability to have racial epithets hurled at you by teenagers across the globe, and not having the game disappear into thin air because the publisher stopped caring. But they also had some other, possibly questionable aspects, as well, and today we examine those and decide if they shoul
Episode 419 - This One Goes Out to the Nigerian Royal Family
This week's episode is about scams. On an unrelated note, please listen to this podcast. You see, my car broke down a few miles back, and I just need a few downloads to get it running again.
Episode 418 - One Mistake and You're Branded for Life
Most mistakes can be forgiven, but some are so inexcusable, so heinous, that there can never be any reconciliation. OR CAN THERE?!!!?!!?!?!!!?!!!?? Today on the Free Legal Advice podcast, we will examine some mistakes and evaluate them, then one of my brothers will have a chance to redeem the biggest mistake of their lives. It's an unmissable episode today, folks.
Episode 417 - The Girls at This Bar All Love Me for Some Reason
...especially Cyndi. She's always so happy when I come in, and she loves to pay attention to me. Sometimes she dances on other guys, but she's got a job to do, you know. I don't mind.
Episode 416 - If This Podcast Were Censored, It'd Just Be One Long Bleep
Not because we're so profane, or anything like that. They'd just have the good sense to know that people shouldn't hear this stuff. Is it dangerous or incendiary? Criminal? Treasonous? No. They'd just hear it and think, "Why, though?" The censors are right sometimes, is what I'm saying.
Episode 415 - This Episode Comes in Three Parts
...and it's the good middle one, too. You know, the one that's darker and cooler, but doesn't have the weight of conclusion on its shoulders? If you can't tell, we're talking about trilogies today, and we'll be turning some of the most beloved* movies in FLAP history into trilogies of their own.
*movies may actually be hated
Episode 414 - If You're Reading This, Send Me a Topic
I'm not joking. Send me a topic. You guys used to do it all the time. If you like today's episode, then the only way we'll ever get to a Part 2 is by sending me topics. And if you don't like today's episode, then the only way to ensure that you'll be listening to something you'll enjoy is by sending me topics.
Episode 413 - There's No Science, and It's Barely a Project
Why do science projects exist? I think it's really strange that, once a year, teachers are allowed to assign homework to our parents. Who made this rule? Why do they get to make our parents slap together a project at the last minute and then pretend that we did it? I guess there are some mysteries that aren't meant to be solved.
Episode 412 - Coming to a Sack of Flour Near You
Why watch a movie when you can just look at a movie poster? Do you have an answer for that? Didn't think so.
Episode 411 - Scorsese Directs Films for the Hallmark Channel, Right?
Ever watched a Hallmark Christmas movie?
...why?
Episode 410 - There Can Be Only One (Holiday, That Is)
This episode has nothing to do with Highlander, although that is a mistake on my part. I'm sure it would have been a far more awesome episode if it was about Highlander, but it's not. That's my fault, and I'm owning it. We just have to collect ourselves and move on. Why don't we try to just enjoy whatever this week's episode actually IS about? I'm sure it's good. Well, I'm sure it's fine. P
Episode 409 - A FLAPstivus for the Rest of Us
I could have easily called this episode "What's the Deal with FLAP?", but that's a lazy Seinfeld impression, and I want nothing to do with it. This week, we do a truly astounding job at creating Seinfeld episode premises in a quiz, of sorts, that Ben runs for us. Either we're incredibly good at it, or it's incredibly easy. I'm genuinely not sure which it is.
Episode 408 - Who Could This Junk Be For?
Cory found some junk online, and we don't know who it's for. Wait a minute - that was already in the title! I did it! The title described what the episode was about! Start playing Yub Nub!!!
Episode 407 - The 2025 FLAPFA World Cup
World Cup of what, you may ask? Well, not that it matters (and it doesn't), but we are organizing the world championship of Domestic Item Toss. Throwing a thing into another thing. Everyone does it; who's the best? Does anyone care? Shut up!
Episode 406 - Thanks for Giving Us More Thanksgiving
We've solved Thanksgiving. Just FYI, it's solved now. The solution was sitting right in front of us the whole time. Thanksgiving is about doing the same thing you normally do, but you do it to ridiculous excess. In this episode, we solve Thanksgiving by doing it to ridiculous excess. It's pretty straightforward.
Episode 405 - VHS Treasures from the Salvation Army
So Ben recently found* some VHS tapes* at a local thrift store*, and they turned out to be a treasure trove* of accidental Mexican silliness* the likes of which you cannot believe. I didn't put an asterisk on that last part because it's actually true.
Episode 404 - It Turns Out the Answer Is Always Yes
People apparently flock to Reddit to explain the situations in their lives that make them wonder, "Am I the asshole?" It turns out all of these people either ARE the asshole, or they're enabling the asshole to such an unbelievable degree that, for all intents and purposes, they, too, are also the asshole. So the answer is yes. Yes, you are.
Episode 403 - Mad Men, Only We're Making Fun of It
Sometimes the people who come up with ads don't know what they're doing. It is then that we, your podcast hosts, step in to make fun of them. Coming up with ideas for advertisements isn't as easy as they make it seem on Mad Men. Hey, that name sounds like "Ad Men", which is what they were! How do you like that?
Episode 402 - The Night They Drove Old Disco Down
Remember disco? It was incredibly popular at one time. Did you know that disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976? So what happened to it, you ask? The Chicago White Sox done blew it up.
Episode 401 - Catch Hubris Island Sundays at 8:00PM EST!
Neither the people reading this description, nor the man writing it, truly have a grasp on how far away from nature our civilization is. Not one of us. Many of us, however, DO understand that we don't understand it. The few who don't get it think they can just go to an island and create a civilization. Living in actual civilization is easy; how hard could it be to make one by myself with no kn
Episode 400 - QuadroHundoPhenia
A FOURTH hundo? Seriously?! What the hell, guys. Look, the first hundo was a blast. Everyone loved it. The second hundo was unexpected, but we kept it interesting. A gentleman would have stopped there, though. The third hundo was almost a commentary on that fact. Like, hey look, we've done yet another hundo! We know it's rude, get it? That's the point! It worked, in a sort of self-refer
Episode 399 - Pebble Beach Disc Golf Links
Everyone is interested in something embarrassing, and for many people, that thing is disc golf. Now, the fact that everyone has something like this SHOULD make us more accepting of each other, and prevent us from making fun of these things. It should, but it doesn't. Anyway, this week's episode is about disc golf.
Episode 398 - Let's Play Movie Making Game
Are we playing "Produce, Marry, Kill" again? Yes. Did I add some new rules this time? Yes. Are the rules needlessly complicated? Yes. Did I describe the rules incorrectly during the episode, then edit that part out? Yes. Did I do a bad job of running this dumb game? Yes. Are there still funny things to be heard? Yes.
Episode 397 - All Bands Should Have Wizards
I'm going to repeat the title: All bands should have wizards. Wizards, really, should be added to everything. What could they possibly NOT improve? This is relevant because we watched a movie called Stunt Rock that heavily features the band Sorcery, which employed not just one but TWO wizards. That is why they are universally acknowledged as the greatest band of all time.
Episode 396 - Fuckin' Podcasts, How Do They Work?
If you have any familiarity with the Insane Clown Posse, it probably relates to the universally yearned-for answer to the greatest question of our age: Fuckin' magnets, how do they work? It should not surprise you in the least to learn that we do not answer that question in this week's episode. That question is unanswerable. We do answer some others, though, and to see if we answer something u
Episode 395 - The Legally Distinct Summer Oh-limpix
Every single successful thing (and many unsuccessful things) will inspire rip-offs. Since the dawn of time, there have been people copying other people's ideas, but pretending they're brand new creations. Even the Olympics have apparently inspired a rip-off event, which is what we discuss this week. I wonder if in ancient Gaul they created their own ripoff of the ancient Greek Olympics? I just
Episode 394 - Aragorn, but for Your Daily Life
To traverse the landscape, learn to read the signs and signals. The landscape, in this case, is the city, and the signs and signals are the various things you hear and smell in the city. Especially the things you smell. And basically all of them are bad.
Episode 393 - Eighteen Holes of Wackiness!!!
Can you believe it? It's the return of silly pitches! If you listened to my brothers make fun of me a few episodes ago, I bet you can believe it. Did it turn out to be a bad idea, just like they said? You'll have to listen to find out! But yes, it did.
Episode 392 - Audio Assortment
Ben went with another rambler this time. Big shot, thinks he's so great, Mr. Doesn't-Have-To-Come-Up-With-A-Topic, ooh, look at me, I'm Ben, I can just show up and start talking. Some bullshit, right there.
Episode 391 - 10-Minute Movie Blitz
Today we watch an entire 90-minute movie in 10 short minutes. How do we do that? By skipping all of the inessential parts. How do we know which parts are inessential? All 90 minutes of this movie were inessential, so it really doesn't matter what we watched or what we skipped.
Episode 390 - Oops! All Openers Again!
Matt just has too damn many cold opens happen to him. Basically nothing ever happens to me, so I have no cold opens to share. Stuff is constantly happening to this guy Matt, though. Sharing these happenings once per week is just not enough, and it's piling up. He's in danger of a cave-in at this point, so he's got to spend a week to let them all loose.
Episode 389 - ...But Now There Are Four Again
- Select Episode 388
- ctrl-Z
Episode 388 - And Then There Were Three
Enough fartin' around. We've spent enough episodes "getting to know" the contestants already. Let's get to the elimination episode. That's what everyone watches these shows for. Who's staying, who's going home? That's what people want. And that would be great if this were a competition reality show, but it's not. Instead, it's a courtroom drama, and this is the big trial scene. You wanted
Episode 387 - Scientists Sometimes Dabble in a Little Sex Magick
Whomb amongst us hasn't wondered if our lives couldn't be improved with a little sex magick? Why did they put that 'k' on the end, you ask? Because cult leaders intentionally misspell and misuse words in order to rewire your brain into something that obeys them unthinkingly. And because it looks cool.
Episode 386 - What Were Things Like 100 Years Ago? The Same
100 years ago, people were idiots who acted against their own self-interest. That's still true today, and though the degree to which it is true is perhaps debatable, it can't be denied that humans ain't changed much. Well, I guess we do have fewer street rats playing something called "piggy", but that's the only change I can think of.
Episode 385 - Podcast Potpourri
Sometimes people ask what our podcast is about, and it's difficult to answer them. After all, we have a different topic every week, so what's it really about? We've decided to solve that problem this week. Instead of having a different topic every week, we're just going to have a bunch of different topics in the same episode, which solves the problem by... uh, actually, I'll get back to you on
Episode 384 - Luring Easily-Distracted Travelers Since Time Immemorial
People who live in real places, like New York, or L.A., or Calgary, do have to occasionally travel from one real place to another, and sometimes the only option is to drive. This means traveling through the areas in the world that are collectively known to anthropologists as "the dumpster". The unfortunate people who live in these "dumpster" areas (again, it's the technical term) have absolutely
Episode 383 - Clowns, Stunts, and Exotic Animal Dung
The history of circuses starts with them taking place at actual established buildings and arenas. This obviously could not last, because who in their right mind would want to see one more than once? Thus, they adopted the nomadic presentation of traveling performers. This was better for the circus, because there were always new rubes to con into buying tickets, and it was better for the towns,
Episode 382 - These Are the Only Commercials I'll Actually Listen To
There's only one place to go when an accident happens: This podcast. That's right - if you have a debilitating injury, just listen to this episode and you'll know exactly what to do. I could tell you right here, but then you wouldn't have to listen to the episode.
Episode 381 - Improving Something No One Remembers
In today's episode, we take one of our classic ideas from the primordial days of the podcast and bring it up to date all the way to the 1990s. And for some reason, when our task was to update an 80s cartoon for the 90s, we decided the best way to do that is to make it like a generic sitcom. I don't understand it either, but we're the experts, so you may not complain.
Episode 380 - Using the Awesome Power of Time Travel Responsibly
I'm sure you're all sick of everyone talking about time travel. I mean, it's so hot right now. But unlike everyone else, in this episode we're going to be traveling back in time with a singular purpose in mind. I won't give it away, though. Instead, I'll let you guess WHICH infant German leader we'll be assassinating. I'll give you one hint: It's not Helmut Kohl.
Episode 379 - Free Baby Advice
Babies are strange, fleshy animals that women excrete every month at the full moon. We know this, and yet most of us know very little about them. Are they friend or foe? Do their mournful cries awaken ancient spirits from beyond the stars, or are they simply a form of ritual intimidation? What of poop? Well, my friends, the answers to these, and many more questions, cannot be found in this ep
Episode 378 - Your Job Will No Longer Suck
GOOD NEWS! Whatever your job is, we're about to improve it. Unless you're a coal miner or factory worker, in which case you will notice no improvements at all. Which would be surprising, honestly. How hard would it be to improve? I mean, there's kind of nowhere to go but up, right?
Episode 377 - This Is How They Made the Original Super Mario Bros. Movie
In this week's episode, we play a rousing game of Produce, Marry, Kill. Attentive listeners will note that this is actually the FOURTH time we've created a game like this (either intentionally or accidentally). The first three were Fart, Butt, Poop; Holmes, Nemo, Khan; and Man, Mountain, Rock. Yes, those are all real. You can check out episodes 38, 76 and 207 if you don't believe me.
Episode 376 - There's Apparently a Downside to Hubris
If you believe in yourself, you can do anything. This is an idea taught to all children at a young age, and also the dictionary definition of hubris. What does that say about us? I don't know about you, but I know exactly what it says because I am not ignorant of anything. Also, I lied, I DO know about you, and, spoiler alert, it's not great.
Episode 375 - For Legal Purposes Let's Call Him Waylond Jennyngs
This is like Behind the Music, but it's called Tales from the Tour Bus. Behind this particular music, much drug-doing happened. Well, I guess that's true of all music. Behind all of it, much drug-doing happened.
Episode 374 - All of Our Opinions About Sports Are Still Right
It's time once again to debate the sports topics of the day. Matt doesn't seem to like doing this kind of thing multiple times, since we generally stick to one episode per topic, but what he doesn't realize is that they have to do whatever I want when it's my turn to pick one.
So there.
Episode 373 - Radicàl: Un Kino by Hal Needham
Sorry for the French (and fake French) in the title, but this week's episode is about cinema. Not just a movie, not even just a film, but cinema. The only language fancy enough to handle this is French, so you're just going to have to deal with it. The cinema we're dissecting this time is called, simply, Rad. My review: "It is."
Episode 372 - Having Cancer Is Really More of a State of Mind
No, Ben, I didn't name it something like "Five Easy Steps to Fix Your Hovercraft", or "Uh-Oh, It's Time for Blood Sacrifice!". I gave it a perfectly apt title, AS I ALWAYS DO. You can tell what this episode's about just by reading it, right? I can, so I assume everyone can. I'm not even going to describe it in this space AS I USUALLY DO, because the title is so clear and helpful that to do so
Episode 371 - The Japanese Continue Making Cartoons
The Japanese like things to be small and efficient. So why on earth do they love giant robots so much? I can't think of a less efficient method of transportation or defense, in terms of materials, fuel, engineering, manpower, etc. I suppose it IS the most efficient method of delivering drool-inducing coolness, though. That's probably how they look at it.
Episode 370 - Still Technically Known as America's Pastime
We talk all things baseball in this episode, including how many peach baskets are used, where the peach baskets go on the diamond, and whether it's legal to chew a peach basket and spit it at your opponent when he's not looking.
Episode 369 - Bill Nye the Pseudoscience Guy
Pseudoscience is just like science, but way more fun and without all the rules and stuff. It turns out that those rules have been preventing us from curing cancer and fucking up clouds.
Episode 368 - The 36th Chamber Was the Friends We Made Along the Way
There are 35 chambers at Shaolin Temple. This is a well-established fact. So what could the 36th chamber be? What a mystery! Well, if you watch the movie, it's really not a mystery, or even about that chamber, or any of the chambers, or any of the events of the plot. It's really about watching dubbed-over kung fu men doing bizarre kung fu stuff until the movie stops. Let's see Citizen Kane d
Episode 367 - The Old West Ain't What It Used to Be
Do you believe that movies about the old west are all true? Well, if you're a kid reading dime-store novels back in the period where dime stores existed, then yes. Yes, you do. If you're anyone else at all, probably not. But regardless, we're here to dispense the REAL truth, anyway. That's right: We occasionally dispense ideas other than legal advice. It's rare, but it happens.
Episode 366 - Let's See What Silicon Valley Has Been Up To
Six years ago, we looked at a sampling of the startups that were at the Y-Combinator event, which is, for those of you who aren't douchebag tech-bros, some big event where rich idiots dump their money into a bunch of startups that will likely fail. We made fun of each and every one of these ideas, while knowing nothing about them. Today, we're checking in to see how these companies are doing. O
Episode 365 - The Man with Glasses Had a Lot of Other Shit
This week we talk about a relatively forgotten silent film star. In the history of podcasts, right now we're in the "talkie" era. Podcasts are nothing but talking. Once someone invents the "lookie" podcast, we'll be put right out of business.
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