The Reality Between Us
Hosted by Aja Rutledge, The Reality Between Us explores the hidden dynamics that shape relationships, including trauma, nervous system responses, self-awareness, and relational patterns. Rather than offering quick fixes, the podcast looks beneath surface behavior to understand why we connect, avoid, conflict, and trust in the ways we do. It examines relationships with partners, family, friends, coworkers, and ourselves, focusing on the internal drivers of external actions.
Episodes
You Stopped Asking Questions | #16
Curiosity impacts the way we experience ourselves and the people we're in relationship with. But when we believe we already know someone, we can stop asking questions and start relating to the version of them we've created in our minds, rather than who they actually are today.The same can happen with ourselves. We accept our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors as simply who we are, without questionin
Everywhere You Go, There You Are | #15
How well we know ourselves affects how we show up in every relationship we’re in. Our moods, patterns, needs, expectations, capacity, and the things we haven’t worked through all come into our relationships with us. When we don’t understand those things about ourselves, we may not recognize what we’re bringing into our relationships or how it’s affecting the people around us.In this episode, we ex
The Less Obvious Side of Self Trust | #14
Self-trust isn’t something we develop once and never have to think about again. It’s an ongoing practice, and sometimes the places where we aren’t trusting ourselves aren’t immediately obvious.We can see what is happening clearly, know how something is affecting us, and still override what we know by searching for more information, more understanding, or another explanation. We can also practice s
Under the Influence of Shame | #13
Shame can be shaping our lives without us even realizing it’s there. Unlike feelings we can easily recognize, shame can sit underneath our reactions, our beliefs about ourselves, and the way we interpret what is happening around us.It can turn a mistake into evidence that something is wrong with us. It can change what we hear when someone brings a problem to us. And it can influence our relationsh
What You Don't Feel, Someone Else Will | #12
We can avoid our feelings, refuse to talk about them, or convince ourselves they aren't affecting us. But that doesn't mean they've disappeared. Our feelings are still showing up in how we behave, how we respond to other people, and what happens between us in our relationships.Feelings also give us information. And when we don't take the time to understand what they're telling us, we can end up re
What We’re Missing About Attachment | #11
Attachment styles have become part of how we talk about relationships. We hear about anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, secure attachment, and often use those labels to explain why someone behaves the way they do.But attachment is more complicated than a label or what happened between us and one primary caregiver. Our nervous systems learn how to find safety within much larger environments,
The Complexity of Feeling Safe | #10
Safety is one of those things we think we understand. We know what it means to be physically safe, and we may even know what emotional or psychological safety is supposed to look like. But knowing what safety is and actually feeling safe aren't always the same thing.Our experiences teach our nervous systems what to recognize as familiar, and sometimes what feels familiar isn't actually safe. Those
What Hope Won't Let You See | #9
Hope is usually seen as a good thing. It keeps us going. It gives us something to believe in. But sometimes hope can also keep us in situations when everything happening right now is telling us something different.Sometimes we see people's behavior clearly and still hold onto who we know they could be. We explain things away, focus on the good moments, and keep hoping that eventually those moments
Wanting the Relationship Is the Easy Part | #8
Wanting a relationship doesn't mean you're equipped to have one.We spend a lot of time thinking about the relationships we want, the kind of people we want in our lives, and what we want those relationships to give us. But how often do we stop and consider what we're bringing into them? Wanting the thing is the easy part. Being able to create and sustain it is something else.In this episode, we ex
Validation Isn't the Problem. You Are. | #7
Validation and agreement are not the same thing.Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that if we acknowledge another person's experience, we're saying they're right. But what if validation simply means making room for their reality without abandoning your own?In this episode, we explore:Why validation and agreement are not the same thing.Why validation is often the first step toward repair.W
The Reality You're Responding To | #6
How many times have you been absolutely certain you knew what someone meant...only to find out later that's not what was happening at all?In this episode, we're exploring how the state we're in changes what we think we're seeing. Because sometimes we're responding to what's actually happening. And sometimes we're responding to the lens we're looking through. Learning the difference can change our
Seeing What’s There | #5
People often ask whether someone is the right person for them. But we don't spend nearly enough time asking whether that person has the capacity to meet us where we are.In this episode, we explore why understanding another person's relationship with themselves tells us more about the relationship that's possible than what they say they want. We look at how to recognize emotional capacity, why peop
You Say You Care. But Do You? | #4
We use the word care all the time. We say we care about people. We tell people we care. But what does care actually mean?In this episode, we explore why care is more than a feeling; it's a way of moving and being in relationships. We look at why someone can genuinely feel something for us without actually caring for us, how care is demonstrated through behavior rather than words, and why learning
Good Intentions Aren't Enough | #3
People tend to think that if their intentions were good then that should settle it. But relationships don't happen inside intentions. They happen in the impact we have on each other.In this episode, we explore why intent and impact aren't competing ideas; they're two sides of the same coin. We look at why good intentions don't always lead to good outcomes, how trauma and survival mode shape what w
Maybe It's Not a Communication Problem | #2
Communication is one of the first things we point to when a relationship is struggling. But what if communication isn't the place to start?In this episode, we explore why communication is only as healthy as the people participating in it. We look at how trauma, nervous system activation, internal safety, and our need to be understood shape what happens long before words are ever spoken. We also ex
Before We Talk About Relationships | #1
Before we talk about relationships with other people, we have to understand the relationship we're having with ourselves.In this opening episode, I share the experiences that shaped the perspective behind this podcast and why I believe healing isn't just about understanding trauma...it's about rebuilding the relationship with yourself. We explore self-compassion, self-trust, boundaries, over-funct
Introducing The Reality Between Us
New here? Start here. In this short introduction, I share what The Reality Between Us is about, why I created it and the conversations we'll be having about relationships, self-awareness, conflict, connection, and the hidden dynamics that shape them all.If you're ready to look a little deeper, start here.
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