Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines
Licensed therapist Kier Gaines draws on over a decade of experience to explore what it means to be a man today. The podcast covers topics like pressure, innovation, grief, joy, grind, and opportunities to thrive, offering honest stories and actionable tips. It provides a space for listeners to level up, heal, and grow on their own terms.
Episodes
EP 25: What If Success Isn’t the Finish Line? ft. Will Packer
What happens when you finally get the thing you’ve been working for and realize the hard part isn’t over? For a lot of men, success can feel like a finish line. We imagine that once we get the opportunity, the money, the title, or the recognition, the uncertainty will disappear. But what if success doesn’t mean you’ve made it? What if it just means you’ve entered a ne
EP 24: Are You Asking Your Partner to Be Your Peace?
Are you expecting your partner to be responsible for your peace? We hear “I just want someone who brings me peace” all the time. But what does that actually mean? Does it mean never arguing? Never being challenged? Never having to deal with difficult emotions? Or does it mean feeling safe enough to be honest, vulnerable, and imperfect without worrying that everything you say will be us
EP 23: Your Job Is Not Your Identity ft. Jason Rosario
What happens when the thing you’ve always used to measure your value starts disappearing? For a lot of men, work has never just been work. It’s how we provide. How we prove ourselves. How we measure success. And sometimes, whether we admit it or not, it becomes a big part of how we decide whether we matter. But in a world where AI is changing industries, jobs feel less secure, and ever
EP 22: Who Told You You’re Behind?
It’s hard to appreciate your own life when you’re constantly measuring it against somebody else’s. Their career is moving faster. They bought the house. They got married. Their business is growing. Their family looks perfect. And thanks to social media, somebody else’s wins are always close enough to make you question whether you’re falling behind. In this episode, Ki
EP 21: I Love My Kids… But I Don’t Love Being a Parent
You can love your kids with everything in you and still not love being a parent all the time. The pickups. The drop-offs. The schedules. The sleepless nights. The endless questions. The responsibility of being needed every single day. Parenthood can be one of the most meaningful parts of your life while also being exhausting, overwhelming, and completely different from what you imagined. In this e
EP 20: Why Men Are Afraid to Say “I Don’t Know” ft. Dr. Dakotah Tyler
What if the smartest thing you could say is, “I don’t know”? In this episode of Learned the Hard Way, Kier Gaines sits down with astrophysicist and former Division I football player Dr. Dakotah Tyler (Dr. Star Kid) for a conversation about curiosity, masculinity, identity, and what happens when the life you planned suddenly disappears. Dakotah spent most of his life bel
EP 19: You Can't Fix People You Love
Sometimes the people we love are carrying more than we can see. A new baby. A growing career. Depression. Anxiety. Burnout. The pressure of leadership. The weight of trying to hold a family together. When someone you love is struggling, your first instinct is usually to fix it but what if that's not actually what they need? In this mailbag episode, Kier responds to questions from listeners navigat
EP 18: Money Won't Make You Feel Safe ft Tiffany Aliche (The Budgetnista)
Money isn't just something we earn, spend, or save. It's something we feel. For a lot of us especially men money quietly becomes the measure of our safety, our confidence, and sometimes even our identity. A healthy bank account can make us feel secure. An unexpected expense can make us question our worth. But what if the real issue isn't the balance in your account...it's the story you've attached
EP 17: Don't Trade Peace for Pleasure ft. KevOnStage
Everybody talks about cheating like it's a morality issue.This conversation asks a different question: What are you actually risking... and what are you really chasing? In this episode of (L)Earned The Hard Way, Kier Gaines sits down with comedian, entrepreneur, and husband KevOnStage for one of the most honest conversations you'll hear about fidelity, commitment, masculinity, and what i
EP 16: The Performance Tax: The Price Black People Pay to Succeed (Ft. Savon & Antoinette from the Can’t Afford Therapy Podcast)
Some rooms don't just ask you to show up.They ask you to perform. To soften your voice. To shrink your personality. To make yourself "easier" to digest. To become a version of yourself that feels acceptable even if it doesn't feel authentic. For Black professionals, that performance often becomes second nature. We call it being professional. We call it code-switching. We call it reading the room.
EP 15: You Can Be a Good Person... and Still Be a Bad Partner
Being a good person doesn't automatically make you a good partner. In this episode of (L)Earned The Hard Way, Kier Gaines unpacks one of the biggest misconceptions about relationships: character and relationship skills are not the same thing. You can be kind, loyal, funny, and deeply loved by the people around you and still consistently struggle in romantic relationships. Kier explores the differe
EP 14: Imposter Syndrome Is Lying to You Ft. Jess Hilarious
How do you know the voice in your head is lying to you? In this episode, Kier Gaines sits down with comedian, media personality, Jess Hilarious, for an honest conversation about imposter syndrome, self-doubt, and what it really means to earn your place in the room. What starts as a conversation about confidence quickly becomes something much deeper. Kier explores the idea that imposter syndrome is
EP 13: Are You Leading... or Just Controlling?
Are leaders born... or do they become one decision at a time? In this solo episode of Learned The Hard Way, Kier Gaines challenges one of the most common beliefs about leadership: that it's something you're entitled to instead of something you earn. From relationships and parenthood to business and community, Kier explores what leadership actually looks like when you remove ego, dominance, and per
EP 12: How Much Should You Care? Ft. Crissle West
What happens when being the person everyone depends on becomes the thing that's breaking you? In this episode, Kier Gaines sits down with media personality, cultural critic, and podcast host Crissle for a conversation about empathy, emotional labor, boundaries, and the hidden weight of being the person everyone turns to when life falls apart. What starts as a discussion about therapy training quic
EP 11: The Truth About Feeling Unheard in Your Relationship
Why do so many relationship problems feel impossible to solve… even when both people care? In this special mailbag episode of Learned The Hard Way, Kier Gaines answers real voice notes from listeners navigating some of the hardest questions relationships can throw at us. From feeling emotionally unseen by a partner… to wondering if a marriage is worth saving… to navigating dep
EP 10: Anger Isn't What You Think It Is
Everybody says anger is a secondary emotion. But… what if its not that simple! In this episode of Learned The Hard Way, Kier takes a deeper look at one of the most misunderstood emotions we experience and challenges the idea that anger is simply covering up something else. Drawing from personal stories, clinical experience, and observations about modern culture, he explores why anger
EP 9: The Invisible Load Nobody Talks About ft. Noémie Gaines
How do two people build a healthy relationship… when both of them are carrying invisible weight the other can’t fully see? In this episode of Learned The Hard Way, Kier Gaines sits down with his wife, Noémie Gaines for a honest conversation about marriage, partnership, emotional labor, and the realities of building a life together. What starts as a conversation about &ldqu
EP 8: Are You Living… Or Just Performing Survival? ft Dustin Ross
How do you know when you’re becoming yourself… instead of just surviving? In this episode, Kier Gaines sits down with media personality, comedian, and podcast host Dustin Ross for one of the most layered conversations the show has had yet. What starts as a discussion about career pivots and reinvention quickly turns into something deeper: masculinity, authenticity, identity, external
EP 7: What Depression Looks Like When You’re The “Strong” One
How do you know you’re struggling… when your life still looks “fine” from the outside? In this episode, Kier Gaines opens up about being clinically diagnosed with depression while still showing up every day as a husband, father, therapist, provider, and public figure. After revealing his diagnosis during a keynote speech in front of hundreds of people, one response kept fo
EP 6: Built In Public: The Cost of Being Seen ft. Ryan Clark
What happens when the life you worked for finally arrives… and suddenly everybody is watching? In this episode, Kier Gaines sits down with Super Bowl champion, ESPN analyst, and The Pivot co-founder Ryan Clark for an honest conversation about visibility, pressure, identity, and the emotional cost of building your life in public.Because for a lot of Black men, success doesn’t just feel
EP 5: Why You Joke About Your Pain (And Why It’s Keeping You Stuck)
What are you protecting every time you make yourself the punchline? In this episode, Kier Gaines breaks down the psychology behind humor as armor and how something that feels harmless can quietly become a barrier to real self-awareness. Starting with a personal story about losing his hair, he walks through how quickly jokes can take the place of honesty… and how that moment right there is w
EP 4: Are You Listening… or Just Waiting to Respond?
You want to have the answers. You want to be solid. You want to be the one people can rely on. But here’s the question most men don’t ask themselves: What is it costing you to always be right? In this solo episode, Kier unpacks the hidden price of certainty and why the need to always have the answer can quietly damage your relationships, your growth, and your self-awareness. Using a re
EP 3: Why Men Stay Loyal to Friends Who Don't Really Know Them
Why Men Stay Loyal to Friends Who Don't Really Know Them You'd go to war for your boys. You've known them for years, maybe decades. But here's the question that might stop you in your tracks: Do they actually know you? In this solo episode, Kier unpacks one of the most overlooked truths about male friendship—how men can be fiercely loyal to people who have no idea what they're really going t
EP 2: This is What Patriarchy Actually Does to Men (And Why Nobody's Taking About It) (Ft. Tripp Fontaine)
Everyone’s heard the phrase “toxic masculinity.” But the moment a man hears it, his walls go up and honestly? That reaction makes sense. Because nobody ever sat us down and told us what a man actually was. They just told us what a man doesn’t do. In this episode, Kier Gaines sits down with educator, poet, and media personality Tripp Fontaine to have the conversation most pe
EP 1: The Hidden Cost of Being the Man Everyone Needs You to Be
You’ve been doing it so long you don’t even notice anymore. Adjusting your tone, softening your edges, shrinking yourself just enough to fit the room. And at the end of the day you’re exhausted not from the work, but from who you had to be to do it. In this episode, Kier Gaines gets real about masking and code-switching: what it is, where it comes from, and the quiet psychologica
Introducing: (L)earned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines
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