The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno
The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno offers real-time couples therapy sessions using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Julie Menanno, a licensed therapist, works with actual couples facing everyday challenges like parenting, career stress, and relationship issues. Each episode explores attachment theory to help listeners understand and break negative communication cycles. The podcast provides practical insights and steps for building healthier, more secure relationships.
Episodes
S3 | Session 18: Slowing Down the TEMPO to Co-Regulation (Season Finale)
Today is our season three finale . It has been an absolute privilege watching Rachel and Mike untangle their negative cycles, and they open today's session with the ultimate proof that the work is paying off . When a major trigger hit just two nights ago, the script flipped entirely . Instead of his typical silent shutdown and her sharp tongue, Mike paused and shared the vulnerable feelings he
S3 | Session 17: Fear of the Goodness: Navigating Peace After Relationship Chaos
The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is universal. When your nervous system is deeply accustomed to chaos, peace can actually feel scary and alarming because it brings up fears of losing what feels so good. As we near the end of our time with Rachel and Mike, they are finally finding real stability. Mike has been stepping up in wonderfully subtle ways, intentionally checking in durin
S3 | Session 16: Too Sensitive? Healing the Belief That You Are Defective
Have you ever tried to set a boundary or express that you were uncomfortable only to be told that you're just being too sensitive or a stick in the mud? You know, when you hear that enough times, you stop trusting your own gut and start believing that maybe you are the problem. Today we dive deep into that exact wound with Rachel. We trace her deep-seated belief that she's defective back to its ro
S3 | Session 15: Two People Overboard: The Co-Regulation Conundrum
We can do all the heavy lifting in therapy, but sometimes life just throws too much at us at once. Between the holidays, chaotic work schedules, and general exhaustion, Rachel and Mike recently hit a wall, slipping off the tracks into a tough two-week period of disconnection. When catching up on the setback, Rachel shares a powerful analogy: normally, if she jumps off the dock, she needs Mike to s
S3 | Session 14: The Burden of the Poker Face: How Hiding Stress Hurts Your Marriage
Mike recently received some great news about a major work project, but instead of celebrating, he admits to Rachel that he is quietly carrying a massive amount of pressure behind his "professional poker face". In this session, we trace this habit of emotional isolation straight back to its origin. We discover that when Mike struggled as a child, his parents' anxiety would spike, teaching him the p
S3 | Session 13: Always Second Place: Fighting to Be Your Partner's Priority
Today, we see what happens when Mike's loyalty to his family leaves Rachel feeling like she is "last on the list". When Rachel feels unprotected, she tries to handle her pain with logic, presenting evidence and hoping Mike will rationally agree with her. But as we discuss today, logic alone does not heal an attachment wound. Meanwhile, we finally uncover why Mike feels so compelled to manage every
S3 | Session 12: Between a Rock and a Hard Place: The Cost of "Going With the Flow"
Doing real emotional work is physically exhausting. When Mike logs on for this session, the very first thing he shares is that he feels completely "taxed and jumbled". He is asking his brain to operate in an emotional language it was never taught to speak. Today, we trace that language barrier straight back to its origin. We dive into Mike's family history, examining the impact of a grandfather wh
S3 | Session 11: You Can't Problem Solve Your Way Out of Pain
When your partner is hurting, what is your immediate instinct? For most of us, it's to grab a toolbox. We want to solve the problem, clear up the misunderstanding, or offer the perfectly logical explanation that will make the pain go away. But what if the urge to fix the problem is actually just a disguised attempt to escape our own discomfort? If you've been listening this season, you know Mike u
S3 | Session 10: Why It Feels So Hard to Ask Your Partner for Help
We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Following Mike's admission of withholding the truth, Rachel is experiencing a very healthy, righteous anger. But today, we pivot away from blaming Mike's behavior and guide Rachel directly into her own vulnerability. We uncover a heartbreaking core belief: Rachel is terrified to let Mike help her because her life experiences have taught her that "
S3 | Session 9: Resetting the TEMPO & Two Big Lies
Think about a time you caught your partner withholding the truth. If you've been there, you know the actual lie is only half the battle; the other half is the agonizing feeling of thinking you might be going crazy. Today, we tackle one of the most difficult hurdles in any relationship: broken trust. Recently, Rachel's intuition flared up over a situation, and she pressed Mike for the truth, which
S3 | Session 8: When Your Partner Makes Decisions Without You
We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Today, we revisit a highly charged memory that perfectly illustrates their negative cycle: a unilateral family decision made during a massive winter storm that completely brushed past Rachel's fierce reservations. For a widow who has already lived through losing a spouse, this wasn't just a disagreement about driving conditions—it was a life-or-de
S3 | Session 7: What Will Life Look Like if This Relationship Ends?
Think about a time you brought a really important concern to your partner, only to feel completely dismissed. When that happens over and over, you eventually stop bringing things up—not because the problem is solved, but because the pain of being unheard is just too heavy to keep risking. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Recently, Rachel's daughter came to her feeling like some recent s
S3 | Session 6: When the Fixer Finally Puts Down His Tools
We pick right back up in the middle of our session with Rachel and Mike. After Rachel courageously bared her soul, the energy in the room is incredibly heavy. Now, we turn our focus to Mike. When you look at an Avoidant partner in moments of high emotional stress, the assumption is often that they come across as cold, detached, or simply don't care. But the reality is entirely different. Today, yo
S3 | Session 5: What Does Your Fear Need?
Have you ever fought so hard for a connection that one day, you simply run out of energy? You stop yelling. You stop protesting. You just… go quiet. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped, Rachel's nervous system is so overloaded that she has shifted from anxious pursuit into complete emotional numbing. She is grappling with a dark, heavy be
S3 | Session 4: Building a Positive Cycle from the Fear of Disappointment
Leading up to this week's session, we have established a new foundation of vulnerability and we tackle one of the biggest challenges in their relationship: Mike's family. For Rachel, the family dynamic is an environment where she feels constantly pushed to the side. But for Mike, stepping out of line with his parents triggers a profound, physical alarm response in his nervous system. In this episo
S3 | Session 3: He Probably Wishes He Hadn't Chosen Me
If you listened to our previous episode, you know Rachel and Mike ended their first session with a beautiful breakthrough. But in the real world of relationships, progress is rarely linear. In this episode, we drop into the next session to find Rachel fighting a powerful urge to detach. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped despite providing him with a "roadmap" to her heart, her ner
S3 | Session 2: Escaping to the Head When the Heart Gets Scared
Welcome back to the second half of our first session with Rachel and Mike . After Rachel courageously opens up about her deep grief and abandonment fears, the emotional stakes in the room are high . For an Avoidant partner like Mike, this is a terrifying moment . Instead of leaning into the emotion, his natural instinct is to run to the safety of his intellect—over-explaining, rationalizing, an
S3 | Session 1: Setting the TEMPO to Uncover Deep Wounds
We are kicking off Season 3 with a brand new couple, Rachel and Mike. Unlike previous seasons, we are using an intensive therapy model, diving deep into their dynamic over a compressed timeframe. On paper, Rachel and Mike are a committed power couple running a successful business. But underneath, they are stuck in a painful anxious-avoidant cycle. Rachel has shifted from protesting for connection
Season 3 Trailer: I Leave You Because I Leave Me
In Season 3 of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno introduces Rachel and Mike—a couple who look perfect on paper but are quietly drowning in the dark. Rachel, a widow who risked everything for a fresh start, finds herself in a lonely battle for priority, while Mike, the "steady" husband, retreats into his head to avoid failing her. This season goes beyond communication struggles into the raw re
The Season 2 Debrief: A Live Q&A with Julie
Following the season finale, we gathered for a special live Q&A to process this journey together. With the couple absent, Julie takes the floor to answer direct questions from the audience about the season's difficult ending, diving deeper into the dynamics of shame, regression, and the hard truth that healing isn't always linear. We want to extend a brief but heartfelt thank you to Bethany and Br
Session 19: Unpacking Shame and The Reality of Healing (Season Finale)
We enter the final session of Season 2 with a deep dive into the roots of shame. Julie steps in to distinguish shame from guilt, helping Brian see that his exhaustion and relentless drive for success aren't just personality traits—they are survival strategies designed to hide a core belief of being "defective" or "less than" . The session culminates in a moment of true openness, where Brian prac
Session 18: Understanding the Anxious Partner - The Path to Accountability (Pt. 2)
We begin in a difficult place, with Brian feeling targeted and defensive, and still strugging to see his role in the negative cycle. Julie confronts this directly, pushing for ownership to uncover the shame underneath . This leads to a crucial realization: Brian's "overwhelm" during their hardest years wasn't just bad luck, but partially self-inflicted by a desperate need to over-perform and avoid
Session 17: Understanding the Anxious Partner - The Path to Accountability (Pt. 1)
We begin with a powerful example of breaking generational cycles: Brian shares a breakthrough moment with his daughter, helping her process bullying instead of telling her to "toughen up" . This shifts to an exploration of Brian's own history—the "very good reasons" for his perfectionism and "hard outer shell," tracing back to a critical teacher and feelings of abandonment . We unpack the concept
Session 16: "Full Breathable Lungs": The Power of Vulnerability
We continue to ride a wave of progress this week. Bethany and Brian report zero negative cycles, and Bethany steps up during a family crisis, healing the wound of Brian's daughter feeling "dropped". We then pivot to the deeper wounds driving Brian's intense perfectionism. A seemingly small conflict about mulch reveals his childhood history of feeling "less than" his peers, driving him to hold hims
Session 15: Healing the Wound of "Not Mattering"
We start with a victory: Bethany and Brian successfully navigate a conflict without spiraling, turning a sarcastic comment into a moment of repair . Digging deeper, we find the wound fueling Brian's sarcasm: a fear that his daughter is being "segregated" or "dropped," just as he was by an uncle in childhood . Brian shares the pain of feeling like a "test drive kid" who was easily replaced. The bre
Session 14: Moving Towards a Positive Cycle
We are finally seeing genuine momentum. This week, Bethany and Brian report being in a "good space," having successfully navigated a conflict without spiraling into a negative cycle for the first time in weeks. You'll hear how Bethany paused to articulate her intent, allowing Brian to truly hear her rather than react. This session focuses on solidifying that win through somatic work—helping Brian'
Session 13: From Bad Guy to Bad A**: The Avoidant Partner Reclaims Her Voice
Last week, we explored the "why" behind Bethany's avoidant behavior. This week, we go deeper, uncovering the pain she has been silently carrying to keep the peace. For years, Bethany has minimized her own needs, believing her hurts "don't rise to the level" of the pain she caused Brian. But this silence has come at a cost: disconnection, resentment, and the loss of her own voice. In a powerful mom
Session 12: The Very Good Reasons Why The Avoidant Partner Avoids
Last week, we sat with Brian's heavy narrative that Bethany is "out to get him." This week, we turn the lens around to understand the experience of the avoidant partner. We explore a conflict about picking up their sick daughter from daycare, where Bethany's genuine attempt to help is misread as control, leaving her feeling like the "bad guy" yet again. We finally unveil the "why" behind Bethany
Session 11: I Just Don't Think She Really Cares About Me
After a long holiday break, Bethany and Brian have lost momentum and are "not in a good spot." Brian opens the session feeling "checked out" and asks, "Is this insanity?" while Bethany feels like she's "walking on eggshells," afraid to trigger him. The core of the session focuses on the main block to their progress: Brian's unshakeable and "unworkable" narrative that Bethany is "maliciously out to
Session 10: Does it Get Worse Before It Gets Better?
Is there an expiration date on old wounds? This week, Brian struggles with seeing Bethany receive empathy for her car accident, as it triggers a deep, unspoken pain from his own past trauma. Months earlier, he was the victim of a violent attack that left him unable to work and feeling alone, which became the foundation for his "I'm done, I'm leaving" stance and his feeling of being a "second-class
A Year Later with Melissa & Drew (Season 1 Update)
This week, we take a special mid-season break to catch up with our Season 1 couple, Melissa and Drew. It's been a year since we last heard from them, and they're back to share an honest update. We revisit their old anxious-avoidant cycle—Melissa's fear of Drew's shutdowns and their struggles with parenting differences—and hear how they are navigating those triggers today. Melissa and Drew share th
Session 9: The Knock-Down, Drag-Out Fight for Co-Regulation
What happens when a couple survives a major crisis, only to be thrown back into their negative cycle by a simple text message? This week, after Bethany recounts a traumatic car accident and Brian's initial, supportive response, a seemingly small conflict about a baby monitor spirals into a "knock-down, drag-out" fight. We dive deep into the difficult work of co-regulation when both partners are h
Session 8: Why Do We Lie?
Why do we lie to the people we love? This week, we dive into that question by exploring the roots of Bethany's financial dishonesty—a betrayal that has broken Brian's trust and left him questioning everything. This session moves beyond blame to understand the fears and unmet needs that often drive dishonest behavior. It's a powerful look at why healing mistrust is an essential first step before a
Session 7: The Original Wounds of the Negative Cycle
For anyone wondering why they keep hitting the same wall in their relationship, this session is essential listening. This week, we go back to the beginning to uncover the origin stories of Bethany and Brian's core wounds—the first major hurts that set their painful cycle in motion and are still alive in their conflict today. We explore how their survival strategies collide when old pain is trigge
Session 6: Can a Relationship Ever Really Be 50-50?
Have you ever gotten caught up in the "50/50" debate in your relationship? This week, we explore the messy, emotional reality that lives underneath the fight for fairness. The session dives into a conflict where Brian feels he's carrying an unequal share of the load, from household chores to finances, leaving him feeling unseen and unappreciated. We explore how the argument isn't really about who
Session 5: I Didn't Get Married to Throw it All Away
What is the emotional cost for the partner who is left behind in the silence? This week, we turn to Bethany's side of the story to understand her experience of being on the receiving end of Brian's threats to leave. We explore the cycle of confusion and anxiety that begins the moment he emotionally withdraws. We journey into the pain Bethany so often holds inside—the feeling of being punished for
Session 4: Why Does Leaving Feel Better Than Staying?
What happens when the fear of being hurt makes leaving feel safer than staying? This week, we dive deep into Brian and Bethany's journey as Brian shares a distressing dream and a painful childhood memory that reveal the roots of his mistrust and his instinct to detach when he feels trapped. We explore how Brian's nervous system drives him to make empty threats to leave, leaving Bethany hurt and co
Session 3: When You Get Scared, I Get Scared
What happens when a real-life crisis puts your relationship's progress to the ultimate test? This week, a stressful weekend surrounding their daughter's tonsil surgery sends Bethany and Brian spiraling, revealing how a shared set of facts can tell two completely different stories and leave both partners feeling more alone than ever. We explore how Bethany's anxiety about their daughter triggers Br
Session 2: "Second-Class Citizen" – Understanding What Lies Behind the Anger
In this week's session, we dive deeper into Brian's inner world as he unpacks the painful feeling of being a "second-class citizen" in his relationship with Bethany. What does it mean to feel unimportant to the person you love and how does that hurt turn into anger? We explore how Brian's anger is rooted in a longing for connection, not control, and how his unspoken sadness transforms into name ca
Session 1: WiFi Passwords & The Corny Suit of Vulnerability
In the Season 2 premiere, we meet Bethany and Brian, a couple stuck in a painful cycle of conflict fueled by their attachment styles, Brian's anxious patterns and Bethany's avoidant retreat. This session lays the groundwork for the season as we explore how they each respond when triggered. We dive into a recent fight over a Wi-Fi password, which activated Brian's deep-seated trust issues. Then, w
Season 2 Trailer: Can They Find Their Way Back?
In Season 2 of The Secure Love Podcast, licensed therapist and author Julie Menanno returns with a new couple: Bethany and Brian, separated, on the brink of divorce, and making one final attempt to repair their relationship. This season you'll hear name-calling, financial betrayal, post-partum isolation and deep emotional wounds surface in real time. But beneath the hurt, there's a deeper story,
Unpacking the Journey: A Live Q&A with Melissa, Drew, and Julie
In this special live Q&A episode, Melissa, Drew, and Julie reflect on their transformative journey through 20 sessions of couples therapy. Hear why Melissa and Drew chose to take part in this experience, their initial anxieties, and what they gained along the way. They share insights into their progress, areas they're still working on, and moments that didn't make it onto the podcast. Julie also d
The Journey Toward a Secure Love (Season Finale)
In this episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Julie works with Drew and Melissa in their final therapy session, focusing on Drew's shame and self-acceptance. The session aims to help Drew accept himself even when his anxieties lead to imperfect behavior. Julie explains that self-acceptance—recognizing one's worth despite mistakes—is crucial for breaking the cycle of shame, wh
Do You Think That He Can Love This Anxious Part of You?
This week on the Secure Love Podcast the focus continues on Melissa's experience as the anxious partner and her journey toward self-acceptance. The episode explores Melissa's struggle to believe she can be loved—even with her fears and imperfections. Guided by Julie, Melissa begins to understand that true love, both from herself and from Drew, must include even the most anxious parts of who she is
Perfectionism to Self-Regulation: The Anxious Partner's Journey
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno focuses on Melissa's anxious attachment style, exploring her emotional regulation challenges and the roots of her people-pleasing tendencies. Julie addresses Melissa's need to create ideal family experiences, illustrated by her high expectations for a recent Halloween outing. Drew's contrasting laid-back parenting style sparked conflic
The Anxious-Avoidant Conflict Resolution
In this revealing episode of the Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno explores the intricate balance of emotional engagement and self-regulation in relationships through the lens of real-life couple Melissa and Drew. This session represents a significant breakthrough for the couple, as the conflict surrounding their differing emotional responses has been at the center of their negative cycle. T
What the Anxious Partner Needs vs What the Anxious Partner Communicates
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno explores the complex communication patterns between Melissa, the anxious partner, and her husband Drew. Melissa's deep-rooted anxieties about Drew's desire to be social resurface, causing her to feel as though he's choosing connections outside of their family over her and the kids. Julie guides Melissa through understanding how past moments
What Happens When the Avoidant Partner Faces Their Anger?
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, couples therapist Julie Menanno focuses on Drew, the avoidant partner in his relationship with Melissa, as they continue working through disconnection issues in their marriage. The episode highlights a recurring tension between Drew's desire to spend time with friends and Melissa's longing for him to connect with her and their children first. As the prim
Fear, Frustration and the Other Side of the Protest
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno continues working with Melissa and Drew, building on their previous session. The couple reflects on a recent incident during their vacation where Melissa's bid for connection at dinner went unanswered, triggering a familiar negative cycle and leading to her protest behavior. This episode focuses on Drew's perspective. He
A Protest for Love: Fighting to be Seen
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie explores the challenges Melissa and Drew face during their anniversary trip. Despite overall enjoyment, the couple encounters difficulties in connecting, highlighting the complexities of transitioning from daily responsibilities to relaxation. Melissa struggles to unwind and feels disconnected from Drew, who seems more at ease. As listeners, we mig
The Social Shift: When Motherhood Redefines Marriage Dynamics
In this episode, host Julie Menanno delves into the evolving dynamics of Melissa and Drew's marriage as they navigate the life-altering effects of parenthood. After 12 therapy sessions, the couple has made strides in breaking free from negative communication patterns, but challenges still arise around their differing needs for social time. Melissa, a stay-at-home mom, opens up about the insecuriti
The Shame That Blocks Connection
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Drew confronts his deep-seated feelings of shame, tracing their roots back to childhood experiences, including a pivotal moment at a baseball game when his father left him. This incident instilled a belief of inadequacy that resurfaces in his present-day struggles, particularly regarding anxiety about new work conditions. Drew expresses fears of needing
Understanding the Anxious Partner
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host and couples therapist Julie Menanno focuses on Melissa, the anxious partner in her relationship with Drew. Melissa feels an overwhelming sense of "getting it wrong" in her interactions with him. As Melissa navigates these vulnerable feelings, Julie guides her out of intellectualizing emotions and into truly experiencing them. Through the session
Choosing Each Other: Finding Connection Amidst Family Pressure
In this episode, Drew and Melissa share the challenges they faced during a 10-hour road trip to a family beach vacation with their three kids. Surrounded by 30 family members, they found themselves under constant scrutiny. While trying to ensure their kids had a good time, they also struggled with unsolicited comments that made them question their parenting skills. Melissa felt the sting of disc
Facing the Inner Critic: Moving from Shame to Vulnerability
In this episode, Drew, the avoidant partner in his relationship with Melissa, begins to confront his deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and shame. Drew's inner critic, which has driven him to seek perfection and self-improvement, also caused emotional pain and isolation. As he starts to unravel these complex feelings, he struggles to articulate them but makes significant progress in acknowledging
What Happens When Shared Fears Aren't Communicated?
In this week's episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew face the ongoing challenge of truly understanding each other's emotional states. Although the couple has acknowledged they've made tremendous progress, they still have their moments of disconnect. While Drew claims he's happy, Melissa senses something off in his body language and expressions, stirring doubts rooted in past misunde
Moving Towards a Positive Cycle & Understanding the Avoidant Partner
In this week's episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew recount a transformative moment from their Fourth of July weekend. Picture this: amidst the typical holiday stress, a disagreement escalates in front of their kids. Instead of spiraling further, they pause and ask each other, "Hey, can we try this again?" It's a simple question, but one that marks a significant milestone in their
Unraveling the Roots of the Negative Cycle Pt. 2
This week's episode of The Secure Love Podcast opens with Drew reflecting on the early years of their marriage. His reflection leads to a heartfelt apology to Melissa for not showing up the way she needed, eliciting both an emotional reaction and a tremendous sense of relief for her. This moment of understanding and Drew's willingness to own his part in their past disconnect highlights his growth,
Unraveling the Roots of the Negative Cycle Pt. 1
In today's episode of the Secure Love Podcast, we dive into Part 1 of a compelling two-part series exploring deep-rooted challenges in Melissa and Drew's relationship. Reflecting on last week's chaos when Drew returned to a patio strewn with toys, Melissa revisits her feelings of frustration. She was ready to support Drew, but his withdrawn demeanor left her feeling helpless and disconnected. This
Finding Balance in Chaos: Who Gets to Hurt Worse?
In this week's episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew dive into a common household challenge that many parents face: the chaos that greets them at the end of a long workday. Drew comes home from a demanding day at work, only to find his kids throwing toys across the patio and being a bit more rowdy than he anticipated. In these situations, Drew wishes he could ease into his evening,
Handling Crisis: The Anxious-Avoidant Clash
This week on the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew share their breakthroughs and real-life applications of their therapy work with Julie Menanno. They've been learning to identify and break their negative cycles, but as always, the journey is full of ups and downs. Imagine this: one of their twin boys slams his brother's hand in the door, leading to a frantic trip to the hospital. While Drew i
Take Me Out to the Ballgame: Navigating Attachment Fears and Finding Co-Regulation
In this episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew find themselves caught in a familiar struggle at a baseball game with their kids. Drew checks out, feeling overwhelmed, leaving Melissa to handle the kids alone. Sound familiar? Julie helps the couple dive into the heart of their issues. Melissa opens up about the crushing weight of feeling like a failure and the panic of being left to
Breaking the Negative Cycle
In the first episode of The Secure Love Podcast, we meet Melissa and Drew, a couple navigating the complexities of their relationship. Melissa opens up about her experience of anger and shutdown when she feels disconnected from Drew during stressful times. As she describes her attempts to avoid confrontation and the eventual buildup of frustration, Drew shares his own sense of helplessness and shu
The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno - Trailer
Welcome to The Secure Love Podcast: Real Time Couples Therapy with Julie Menanno. Join licensed therapist Julie Menanno as she uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help Melissa and Drew, a couple in their 30s, navigate life's challenges and improve their relationship. Discover the impact of attachment theory, identify negative cycles, and learn practical skills for creating lasting positive c
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