The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}
Hosted by children's mental health expert Robyn Gobbel, this show (formerly Parenting after Trauma) helps parents decode the confusing behaviors of children with vulnerable nervous systems. It covers kids who have experienced trauma or toxic stress, as well as those with neuroimmune disorders, sensory processing differences, and other nervous system vulnerabilities. Rather than chasing behaviors with quick fixes, Robyn offers practical tools that support connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Educators, therapists, coaches, and consultants can also use the episodes to better understand what behavior really is and to help the families they serve.
Episodes
EP 288: How to Stay Regulated...NOT Calm!!!
Sometimes you work so hard to stay ‘calm’ but then realize- it feels totally fake. Yeah, that’s because sometimes calm makes no sense!Sometimes the behavior is serious, and you are mad, and of course you are. Regulated doesn’t have to mean calm, and there’s a four-step process that can help you hang onto your owl brain by one sharp talon even while your watchdog is starting to get really active.In
EP 287: How to scaffold "accepting no"
Does hearing “no” or “not right now” or “stop doing…” seem to bring your child’s back-off watchdog or shut-down possum out? Or even worse??Almost every family I’ve ever worked with has had some sort of struggle with their child tolerating frustration, or disappointment, or not getting what they want. These kids look ‘spoiled,’ and the judgment from others is REAL. But accepting no and tolerating f
EP 286: A Checklist for BEING, not doing
I know how intensely we want a checklist. Do this, this, and this, and the dysregulation will end, and your kid will be OK. This episode is the story of chasing exactly that list (Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting checklist that I worked to check off one by one) and finding something else entirely in Dan Siegel's Parenting From the Inside Out. He didn’t give a checklist at all, just a way
EP 285: Triggers & Beliefs Only Parenting Seems to Activate
Sometimes it’s the little moments that overwhelm us more than the big, scary ones. The "whatever" muttered under their breath, the stash of snack wrappers under the bed, or they flatly deny something you're 99% sure they did. Sure, these things are frustrating, and it makes sense you’d have a reaction- but for some reason, you find yourself in zero to fury before you even had a chan
EP 284: Wherever You Are is Exactly Right (me too)
I know you are working so, so, so hard to hold onto your owl brain.Maybe you're at the stage where you don't even notice you've flipped your lid until hours later. Maybe you're at the stage where you can see it happening and still can't stop it. Either way, there's probably an old, familiar voice telling you that you should be further along than you are by now.I was o
EP 283: What if I'm too burned out to do any of these things?
Almost always when I’m teaching or presenting, a parent is finally brave enough to ask: “What if I'm too burned out to do any of this?” And then at least half the other parents in the room look expectantly at me because they, too, are wondering how they could possibly conjure up enough energy to use playfulness. They aren’t even sure they like their kid enough to offer enough cues of safety.T
EP 282: Parents & Practitioners Need the Same Thing- and it's not more tools
You've called every therapist in town and heard the same thing back: not taking new clients. Or you're the one on the other end of that call, staring at a kid whose behavior you can't make sense of, wondering if you're just not cut out for this. I get it. I intimately understand both sides of this struggle. In this episode, you'll learn:Why a dysregulated parent needs the
EP 281: What I Wanted Every Kid in My Office to Know
My guiding north star when I was a therapist working with kids (and grown-ups) was always helping them not just get to know their brain and how it works, but actually to develop a relationship with the parts of themselves that seemed to always be getting into trouble. It's not really just brain facts that are helpful to kids. Teaching them about their brain creates the possibility that they c
EP 280: Either You Co-Regulate or You De-Escalate: An Interview with Chrissy D’Agostino
You've probably heard "a dysregulated adult can't co-regulate a child" a hundred times. But if you've ever been stuck in a store with a screaming kid — or a classroom with 17 screaming kids — and zero bandwidth left, you know how useless that advice can feel in the moment. This episode is a conversation with Chrissy D'Agostino, co-author of the new Early Years Guidebo
EP 279: Is There a Behavior Intervention Flowchart??
You want the flowchart. Of course you do! If X, then Y would be something to follow when there's no bandwidth left to think it through in the moment. But there isn't a flowchart, and this episode gets into why: stress capacity shifts by the hour, different nervous system states pull different memory networks online, and two nervous systems are shaping each other in real time, not just on
EP 278: So Many Services! How to Prioritize?
OT on Tuesday, a speech eval callback on Wednesday, play therapy on Thursday, a school meeting on Friday that's really just another appointment in disguise. When the calendar starts looking like a second job, the question that actually matters isn't a number — it's whether all of it is moving your family toward regulation, connection, and felt safety, or quietly draining it. This ep
Ep 277: This Kind of Shame Doesn't Heal Alone: A Parent Guest
So many struggling and overwhelmed parents feel like their biggest problems are their kids' behaviors and the chaos that's taking over their family. This week's guest, a longtime Club member, talks about how she slowly came to realize that what she really needed to focus on wasn't strategies to change her kids' behavior, but experiences that would soften the shame she was
EP 276: Cues of Safety: How to Help when Nothing is Ever Right
Every morning (or afternoon or evening) feels like just one long stream of complaints. Breakfast isn’t right, the bowl isn’t right, SOMETHING is always not right, and no matter what gets fixed, it’s never right enough.^That perfectly describes a nervous system stuck in protection mode. This week’s episode explores how and why nervous systems get stuck and practical ways you can help- even when NOT
EP 275: Does Lowering Demands Ever Cause More Stress?
Screens. Sugar. Anything that feels really good. The advice to just "lower the demand" can fall really short because for some kids, more access brings real relief. But for others, more access actually causes more stress and we wind up asking kids to take on a responsibility that is beyond their developmental capacity. This episode digs into what's actually generating the stress und
EP 274: The Only Three Things You Actually Need to Remember
Every behavior. Every parenting moment that feels impossible. It all comes back to three sentences — the three core tenets that distill how relational neuroscience makes sense of behavior and give us a roadmap toward change.This episode lays out the three truths underneath everything I do — this podcast, my books, The Club, the Immersion Program — and why they matter more than any single strategy
EP 273: What this Framework Asks of Helpers
You know that kid who just can't stay in the therapy room? They leave, wander around, get into things that aren't theirs, or are maybe even destructive? And three therapists have already called it quits.Maybe this describes your kid. Maybe this describes the kids you work with. This episode is for both of you. The helper who is trying to be with this kid, wondering what they're doin
EP 272: Where Do I Even Start? A Brand New Listener's Roadmap
When life is overwhelming and your kid's behavior makes no sense — and feels like it's getting worse — even the best resources get hard to use. You're too dysregulated to sort through 270 episodes or an almost 300-page book to figure out where to start. Of course you are.This episode breaks down why you freeze in the face of new information, or end up just begging someone to tell yo
EP 271: 4 Functions of Behavior, FBAs, and a Nervous System Approach
For years, "the four functions of behavior" has been the go-to framework for understanding why kids do what they do: attention, escape, access to tangibles, sensory. It's not wrong, but it's not the whole story either. In this episode, we dig into where this model actually came from, what it leaves out, and what's underneath it once we go looking with a relational neurosci
EP 270: What is Your Kid's Nervous System Predicting? (Part 3 of 3)
We've been in a three-part series on sticky behaviors (behaviors that don’t seem to change, no matter WHAT you do!), and today we're doing the detective work: what is your specific child's nervous system actually predicting? In This EpisodeThree detective questions to help you identify what prediction might be driving your child's stickiest behaviors, and what those behaviors a
EP 269: What Actually Changes Sticky Behaviors (Part 2 of 3)
Part 1 was about why sticky behaviors stay stuck. Part 2 is where the hope lives. We're diving into the two mechanisms that actually change sticky behaviors at the neurological level. This is the episode that makes the hardest ask of Part - shifting away from ‘fix-it’ and ‘this has to change’ energy- make sense.In this episode you'll learn:Why your child's dysregulation isn't t
EP 268: Why Sticky Behaviors Stay Stuck (Part 1 of 3)
If you've tried everything and a behavior just won't stop…that's a sticky behavior. Let's dive deeeeeep into the neuroscience behind the behaviors that feel impossible to change. We'll touch on how the brain stores predictions and how the most well-meaning response can actually, unintentionally, keep those predictions locked in place and perpetuate that sticky behavior. Th
Ep. 267: Boredom Triggers Dysregulation
When kids can't tolerate boredom, it's easy to forget to put on our X-ray vision goggles and chalk it up to too much screen time or even not enough gratitude. Our kids’ reaction to boredom triggers OUR watchdog brain! If we can invite our owl to come back, we will almost certainly see that boredom flips our kids’ nervous system into protection mode.In this episode, you'll learn:Why
EP 266: When Things Are Genuinely Impossible: One Dad’s Story
A dad - who is also a former foster youth and the director of non-profit supporting foster and adoptive families - shares an honest and tender conversation about what it's actually like to parent kids with big, baffling behaviors when life is also impossibly hard. He shares the staggering losses his family has carried over the past few years, how he found The Baffling Behavior Show, Raising K
EP 265: Nothing Changed & Everything Changed - A mom interview
A single mom who adopted boy-girl twins through foster care shares about her slow, almost invisible journey from survival mode to genuinely delighting in her now-13-year-old kids. Nothing shifted in one big moment. Yet somehow, everything changed.In this episode, you'll learn:Why the shift from "I have to fix this right now" to "I can just be with you in this" is the thin
EP 264: Responding to the Judgement and Advice from Others
Parenting kids with big, baffling behaviors is hard enough. THEN someone has opinions about it. This episode breaks down why people say the things they say, what's actually happening in you when judgment lands, and how to respond- or not respond- in a way that protects your own regulation.In this episode:Why unsolicited advice and criticism are almost always a projection from the other person
EP 263: The Framework That Works on Everyone in the Room
Whether you're supporting a dysregulated eight-year-old, a parent who's convinced nothing is working, or the version of yourself driving home after a really hard week, the science is exactly the same. Let’s look at how the theory underneath this podcast, Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors, and the BBTI’s Professional Immersion Program are grounded in the same unified relational ne
EP 262: Why Helpers Burn Out- and what to do about it
The helpers ~ therapists, coaches, teachers, advocates ~ are burning out at alarming rates. We talk endlessly about self-care, caseload management, and having better boundaries but almost nobody is addressing the root cause. This is a special episode that I recorded for all the professionals who listen. All the helpers who show up day after day because they love to help the parents of kids with bi
EP 261: When It's Not Working: Troubleshooting
You've learned about the nervous system, you're trying to co-regulate, you're thinking about felt safety and connection — and the behavior is still happening! WHY?!?! This episode is a troubleshooting guide for exactly that moment. Instead of going back to the drawing board, we're going deeper into the same map: getting curious about regulation, felt safety, connection, and ski
{REPLAY} Is Co-Regulation Just Coddling??
This episode originally aired in September 2024. Almost every time I teach, especially if there are folks in the audience not already familiar with my work or the concept of co-regulation, someone asks the very valid question of- “Isn’t this (co-regulation) just coddling?”Fair question! There are a lot of underlying assumptions and fears in this question that we will deconstruct in today’s episode
EP 260: No Strategy Will Fix This: What Actually Helped Instead
Listen in on a conversation I have with a Club member whose family lived through years of intense, violent, and deeply isolating behavior…and eventually found their way to something different. It’s a story about holding onto the truth of who your child is, even when everything in front of you makes that feel impossible.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why “just tell me what to do” doesn’t work in the
EP 259: Holding Hope when your Child's Behavior is Truly Dangerous
Parenting a child with big, baffling behaviors can feel terrifying sometimes. Especially when those behaviors aren’t just frustrating… they’re dangerous. In this episode, I’m talking with a parent who knows that reality deeply, and who is also finding a way to hold onto hope.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why seeing your child as “good” doesn’t mean ignoring serious or dangerous behaviorHow one par
EP 258: Creating a Connected Classroom with Marti Smith & Amie Huggins
What if the biggest barrier to learning in the classroom isn’t behavior… but safety?Teachers are overwhelmed. Kids are dysregulated. And somewhere in the middle, everyone is trying their best…but it’s not working the way we hoped. In this conversation, I sit down with occupational therapist Marti Smith and educator Amie Huggins to talk about what happens when we bring relational neuroscience into
EP 257: One Reason why Kids Melt Down after School
When your kid melts down after school, it seems like they just have a bad attitude or don’t want to do homework. But sometimes those explosions have less to do with behavior and more to do with a nervous system that has been working hard to handle sensory stress all day long.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why do many kids fall apart after school, even if they seemed “fine” all dayHow the sensory en
EP 256: When Behavior Feels Personal, It Might Actually Be Sensory
Have you ever had one of those moments where your child completely loses it over the wrong cup, a sibling getting too close, or one tiny thing at the end of the day? It can feel like they are actually mad at you- or their sibling. But actually, rude, defiant, or shutdown behavior might actually have a lot more to do with sensory overwhelm and a nervous system that’s simply run out of capacity and
EP 255: Grieving as a Parent with a History of Trauma: Part 6 of 6
The Grief No One Talks About in Trauma-Informed ParentingSometimes the hardest part of parenting isn’t your child’s behavior, it’s the grief that rises up inside you. The grief of not getting what you needed. The grief of still healing while you’re trying to parent intentionally. In this episode, we talk about the quiet, complicated grief that can come with parenting a child with a vulnerable nerv
{RERECORD} But....What about a Consequence?!
This episode is an update and re-record of episode 56Consequences. Punishments. Limits. Boundaries.These words don't mean the same thing but we often use them interchangeably.In this episode, we get clear on what exactly is a consequence versus a punishment versus a boundary.And how parenting through the lens of regulation, connection, and felt-safety is absolutely not boundary-less or permis
EP 254: Identifying Your Triggers as a Parent with a History of Trauma: Part 5 of 6
If you’re parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system when you have your own history of trauma, you know that sometimes your reaction isn’t really about what’s happening in front of you; it’s about what’s happened before. In this episode, we’re talking about how to gently uncover what might be going on when you have a huge stress response to a stressor that didn’t quite need an attack-level
{RERECORD} The Stress Response System
This is a re-record of a foundation episode, episode 94The Stress Response System plays a huge role in our children's behaviors and also how we perceive those behaviors.In this episode, you’ll learn:What stress is and how to differentiate good stress from bad stressThe impact of trauma and toxic stress to the Stress Response SystemHow to build resilience in a sensitized Stress Response System
EP 253: Caring for your Own Watchdog and Possum as a Parent with a History of Trauma: Part 4 of 6
Content note: This episode discusses trauma, nervous system activation, and protective responses such as shutdown, dissociation, anger, and urgency. There are no graphic details, but please take care while listening.If you have a history of trauma, your watchdog and possum parts have likely been working hard for a long time. And when you’re parenting a child with big baffling behaviors, those prot
{RERECORD} Connection or Protection
This is a re-record of a foundation episode, episode 7The brain has two modes- connection or protection.Protective behaviors include opposition, defiance, aggression- basically, any behavior that doesn't invite connection.If we want to help shift our children's oppositional behaviors, we must first help their brain shift out of protection and into protection!You can read more on my blog:
EP 252: Nurturing Your Window of Tolerance as a Parent with a History of Trauma Part 3 of 6
Content note: This episode discusses trauma, parenting stress, nervous system activation, and self-compassion. There are no graphic details, but please take care while listening.Parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system can stretch your capacity in profound ways, especially when you have a history of trauma yourself. In this episode, we explore what it really means to nurture your window
{BONUS} Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior- webinar replay
On February 3, I taught a live webinar online- Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior.This is the audio-only version of that webinar!To watch the full video webinar and to download the accompanying resources, head to RobynGobbel.com/webinarIn this webinar, you'll learnthe three core tenets that underlie behavior changewhat behavior really ishow regulation, connection, and felt safety
EP 251: Your Trauma Shaped Nervous System Makes Sense Part 2 of 6
Content note: This episode discusses trauma, parenting stress, and nervous system activation. There are no graphic details, but please take care while listening.If you’ve spent years learning about the nervous system to better support your child, and now you’re ready to offer the same curiosity and compassion to yourself, then this episode is for you. In this episode, you’ll learn:How core nervous
{RE-RECORD} EP 15: Lying as a Trauma Driven Behavior
This episode originally aired in 2020. It's a very popular episode that deserved being updated because so many folks are still listening!***Lying is probably the behavior parents seek support with the most. It's confusing. It's triggering. It's exhausting. We can use our x-ray vision goggles to get underneath the lying so we can respond in ways that actually sets the boundar
EP 250: When Parenting Triggers your Own Trauma Part 1 of 6
Content note: This episode discusses trauma, parenting stress, and nervous system overwhelm. There are no graphic details, but please take care while listening.Parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system can stir up your own trauma in ways that feel surprising, intense, and deeply unsettling. In this episode, we slow everything down and make sense of why this kind of parenting can feel so m
EP 249: Behaviors as Brilliant Adaptations with Sally Maslansky
Content warning: This episode includes discussion of severe trauma, abuse (including sexual abuse), dissociation, and suicidal ideation. Please take care while listening and pause if needed.In today’s episode, Robyn is joined by therapist, author, and adoptive parent Sally Maslansky to explore dissociative identity disorder through the lens of interpersonal neurobiology, attachment, and compassion
EP 248: Felt Safety when Nothing Feels Safe
Should we be talking about felt safety when so much is genuinely unsafe?I’ve been thinking a lot about this hard and honest question that so many parents are holding: when danger, injustice, and unmet needs are real and ongoing, does focusing on felt safety miss the point? Or can it actually be part of resistance, coherence, and long-term protection for our nervous systems?In this episode, you’ll
REPLAY: Boundaries with Verbal Aggression with Juliane Taylor Shore: Boundaries with Connection Part 3 of 3
In part 3 of this series on Boundaries with Connection, Juliane Taylor Shore talks us through how boundaries work in relationships with our children - relationships where we have to show up every day - and why it is so important for us to have good psychological boundaries when our children are verbally aggressive. In this episode, you’ll learn:What are psychological boundariesHow do psychological
REPLAY: Boundaries that Create Success: Boundaries with Connection Part 2 of 3
In part 2 of this series on Boundaries with Connection, we explore how to set boundaries that create success by providing structure and containment that offers safety, connection, and co-regulation.In this episode, you’ll learn:How boundaries can create physical and emotional safetyHow to create the kind of boundaries your child really needs for continued developmentHow to set boundaries with the
REPLAY: Boundaries with Connection Part 1 of 3: Boundaries You can Control
Focusing on understanding what's driving behavior can sometimes make it feel like we aren't addressing the behavior at all. It can feel as if we are boundaryless and permissive. This episode sheds light on what boundaries really are and how focusing on regulation, connection and felt-safety increases compassionate boundaries in response to behaviors.In this episode, you’ll learn:What bou
REPLAY: Titrating Connection- Oppositional Series Part 4
In this episode, I unravel how to extend connection to our children while acknowledging that some might see this connection as a threat. I offer insights on toning down the demand for connection, enabling our children to relax in it, and thereby strengthen their stress response system. I also reference the previous episodes in this four-part series by talking about the science of opposition, some
REPLAY: When Connection isn't Safe- Oppositional Series Part 3
If offering safety and connection is the antidote to oppositional behavior, what do you do if connection isn’t experienced as safe or regulating by your child?In this episode you’ll learn:How connection and protection can get tied togetherHow to keep offering connection, even when it’s consistently rejected by your childThe science behind why YOU need to be receiving connection - and how you can d
REPLAY: Strategies for Oppositional Behavior- Part 2
Last week we talked about the science of oppositional behavior. This week, let’s look at strategies to help children rest into felt safety so their nervous system feels better and their oppositional protective strategies can decrease.In this episode you’ll learn:An invitation to consider some of our cultural beliefs around opposition in the parent/child relationshipHow to use our grown-up brains t
REPLAY: Oppositional And Defiant Behavior- Part 1
What if oppositional behavior is a normal response to feeling unsafe? In this episode, we unfold the layers of oppositional behavior and its roots in the nervous system. We look into the diagnostic complexities of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and dive into how our own state of the nervous system is important in helping our children navigate their Watchdog and Possum pathways.In this episode you’l
REPLAY: Felt Safety (Between) Part 3
Cues of safety, danger, or life threat come from three places- inside, outside, and between.In part 3 of this series on felt safety, we are exploring felt safety from between- from relationship!In this episode, you’ll learnHow availability of connection is a cue of safety or dangerHow neuroception can tell the state of the other person’s nervous system (connection or protection?)Why nervous system
REPLAY: Felt Safety (Outside) Part 2
In this second episode of a three-part series on felt safety, we are going to explore all the ways our kids (and ourselves) are neuroceiving safety or danger from what’s happening in the environment.In this episode, you’ll learnMisconceptions about felt safetyExternal (outside) cues of felt safety, such as the environment, sensory experiences, structure, and environmental demandsWhat we do with th
REPLAY: Felt Safety (Inside) - Part 1
Let’s go back to basics! Last week we talked about seeing behavior through the lens of the nervous system and then took a deep-dive into co-regulation.FREE Downloadable Infographic all about Felt Safety! RobynGobbel.com/feltsafetyinfographicThis week begins a three-part deep-dive into the foundational concept of felt safety.What is felt safety, what isn’t felt safety, and why it matters!Next we wi
EP 247: 5 Tips from our Top 5 Episodes for our 5th Birthday!
To celebrate our 5th birthday, I gathered 5 tips from our top 5 episodes.I’m revisiting important take-aways from episodes about boundaries, oppositional behavior, and how parenting kids with a vulnerable nervous system is traumatic. Each of these episodes have a free downloadable infographic! You can find them all at RobynGobbel.com/FreeResourceHubIn this episode, you’ll learnWhat ‘boundary’ real
EP 246: Helping Kids Tolerate Shame and Talk about Mistakes
Ever notice how some kids just cannot talk about hard things- especially if it’s about their own mistakes or ‘bad’ behavior? Maybe they melt down the second you bring it up… or shut down completely.Let’s unpack what’s really going on when kids refuse to talk about mistakes or anything that feels “bad.” You’ll learn why their brain might be protecting them from feelings that are just too much - and
EP 245: Can't Wait!!! Frustration Tolerance and Delayed Gratification
Does your child get stuck in “buy me, buy me, buy me!” mode? Or maybe they melt down when they can’t have what they want right now?I know it seems selfish, manipulative, or even bratty- but we want to put on our x-ray vision goggles and get curious about WHY. In this episode, we’ll unpack why delayed gratification and frustration tolerance are Owl Brain skills. You’ll learn how to grow your child’
EP 244: When Watchdogs are Volcanoes: Activation below the Surface
Is your child suddenly quiet… but you can feel something bubbling under the surface?They aren’t yelling, running, or arguing like usual- but you can tell their system is still fired up and on high alert.Today, we’re talking about that “quiet volcano” version of watchdog energy. It looks calm. Still. Almost possum-like.But inside? Their nervous system is holding a TON of activation right under the
{REPLAY} All Behavior Makes Sense- Decoding the Neurobiology of Baffling Behavior
This episode originally aired in October 2024.All behavior makes sense and no behavior is maladaptive- in the moment that behavior emerges.Of course, the IMPACT of the behavior might be maladaptive and absolutely many behaviors need to change.But understanding that all behavior makes perfect sense at the moment it emerges is the lynchpin in offering folks co-regulation, connection, and felt-safety
{REPLAY} Grief in Parenting a Child with a VNS
If you're parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system, grief is an ever-present companion, whether we acknowledge grief or not.The holiday season often stirs that grief up a bit more. Our kids need more accomodations, they don't find the same things fun that other kids do, and sometimes it feels like special events aren't even worth it. As November begins, I'm replaying
EP 243: Cool, Calculated- But Still in Protection Mode
Sometimes our kids look completely calm- even smug — while doing something that definitely isn’t a behavior of connection.But…they’re not melting down. They’re not screaming. They seem totally in control.Seems kinda like owl brain, yeah? But- it’s not. It’s protection mode, even if the behavior seems calm. In this episode, we’ll talk about how kids can use their thinking brain in the service of th
EP 242: Why It's Hard for Your Kid to Take Responsibility
You ask your child what happened, and before you can finish the sentence, they’re already saying, “It wasn’t my fault!”Sound familiar?I know this is SO frustrating! But there’s a reason this is so hard, and it has everything to do with (of course!) the brain and nervous system.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why taking responsibility is an Owl brain skill that depends on reflection, regulation, and
EP 241: Why Some People Resist Relational Neuroscience
Sometimes you share something about the brain—like how all behavior makes sense—and people push back hard. Maybe they dismiss it. Maybe they even get mad. It can feel confusing, because once you see the truth of relational neuroscience, it feels like such a relief. So why are some folks so resistant?In this episode, you’ll learn:Why resistance is often the nervous system’s way of protecting from g
EP 240: Window of Tolerance- What it Is and How to Grow It
Sometimes, your kids can handle frustration or disappointment with ease, and other times the exact same challenge sends them into meltdown mode. This can feel really baffling! Why are they so inconsistent?Well, part of that difference comes down to their window of stress tolerance.In this episode, you’ll learnWhat the window of stress tolerance is and how it connects to your child’s Owl, Watchdog,
EP 239: When Your Words and Feelings Don’t Match
Have you ever smiled while you were seething inside? Or told your child “it’s fine” when it absolutely wasn’t? That mismatch (incongruent affect, we’re gonna talk psychology mumbo jumbo) isn’t just confusing. It’s a cue of danger- to your child’s nervous system AND to yours!In this episode, you’ll learn:Why kids are biologically wired to trust their caregivers and what happens when their neurocept
EP 238: Happy Birthday RKBBB- and a gift for you!
Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors turned TWO! 🥳So, we’re having a party right here on the podcast.Parties have gifts, so I’m offering three “gifts” for you- a little help around three behaviors that are still SO BAFFLING!In this episode, you’ll learn:Why regression (aka “acting like a toddler”) is actually a sign of your child’s nervous system falling down the protection mode pathway, and a
{REPLAY} Is Understanding Behavior Just Excusing It?
Understanding behavior helps us actually solve the problem, leads to compassion, and actually helps behavior to change, but first we must understand why we are so afraid that understanding behaviors means we are excusing "bad" behaviors.In this episode, you’ll learn:The difference between understanding behavior and excusing behaviorWhy understanding behavior is importantWhat are our fear
EP 237: Connection: A Biological Imperative (for parents)
Parents aren’t the only ones providing co-regulation — we need it too. In fact, connection is a biological imperative for every nervous system, including yours. When you’re raising kids with big, baffling behaviors, the imbalance in reciprocity can be exhausting, isolating, and even grief-inducing. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to do this alone, and there are real, meaningful ways to find t
EP 236: Rewriting the Nervous System Story
Your child’s behavior isn’t telling you the whole story. Their behavior is telling you just the story their nervous system is writing in that moment.This week, let’s continue my deep dive into my conversation with Deb Dana (episode 233), exploring how polyvagal theory offers us the hope of rewriting the nervous system story. We’re going to talk about the power of believing our children when they t
EP 235: Parenting in Chronic Protection Mode
Parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems often means that parents and caregivers are living in a state of chronic chaos and danger. Even if the behaviors aren’t ‘that bad,’ it’s dysregulating to live with someone in chronic protection mode. In this episode, I take a closer look at how polyvagal theory helps us understand the nervous system’s longing for safety—even when life feels overwhelmi
EP 234: Polyvagal Theory, Hope, Dysregulation, and Repair
What if dysregulation isn’t the problem? I know I know- that’s really hard to wrap our brain around! At least, it was for me. In this episode, I continue the conversation from last week’s interview with Deb Dana and take a deeper dive into one of her most powerful insights: that dysregulation is simply part of being human—and it’s the absence of repair that becomes the real challenge.But I think f
EP 233: Polyvagal Theory as a Path to Hope: Regulation, Repair, and Connection with guest Deb Dana
Polyvagal theory isn’t just a theory- it’s a way of living that can transform how we show up for our kids, ourselves, and everyone around us. I’m SOOOO excited to introduce you to Deb Dana! Together, we explore how understanding our nervous systems brings hope, deepens connection, and makes repair possible even in the messiest moments.In this episode you’ll learn:Why polyvagal theory is truly a th
EP 232: Swearing- What it Means and How to Respond
When kids swear, it often feels jarring, disrespectful, or even threatening. But swearing isn’t about defiance or being a bad kid- it’s a clue about the state of your child’s nervous system. Swearing might mean your child is overwhelmed, dysregulated, or struggling to find their real voice. Of course, understanding the behavior isn’t excusing the behavior. BUT! When we understand where the behavio
EP 231: EMDR with Kids with Attachment Trauma with Deb Wesselmann
I’m so excited to introduce you to someone who has deeply influenced my work- Deb Wesselmann! Deb is a pioneer in integrating EMDR therapy with family therapy for children with early attachment trauma. In this episode, we chat about how Deb (and her colleagues) developed her attachment-focused EMDR model, why slow bilateral stimulation is so effective for complex trauma, and what it really means t
EP 230: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) isn’t about being overly sensitive. It’s about a nervous system that experiences rejection as danger. In this episode, I explore RSD through the lens of relational neuroscience, attachment, memory, and regulation. Whether you see this in yourself or your child, this episode will help you understand why rejection feels so big, and what actually helps.In this ep
EP 229: NeuroRelational Healing with Guest Sara Sherman
Healing comes in all forms, including on farms, with horses, and of course, in relationship. My guest this week, Sara Sherman, is a graduate of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s Professional Immersion Program and the founder of Dandelion NeuroRelational Family Services in Minnesota. Sara and I have a delightful chat about what it means to bring relational healing to kids and families and
{REPLAY} The Privilege of Parenting This Way (with safety)
{Replay of Episode 169 from March 2024} Parenting with co-regulating and seeing below our kids behaviors is actually a privilege we rarely talk about. It’s always a privilege, but especially when we consider different marginalized and oppressed identities that a lot of kids- and those of you listening- intersectionally hold. In this episode, you’ll learnThe definition of privilege (it is NOT a cri
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