If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes
If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes is a podcast that explores the chaos and wonder of the world. Hosts Niki, John, LB, and producer Jordo discuss a wide range of topics, from mundane things like Cheesecake Factory menus to surreal experiences like being tucked in by someone dressed as Snoopy. The show aims to find meaning and clarity amidst the cruelty and confusion of modern life.
Episodes
The Full Nightbane
Folks, it's a full Nightbane episode. That's right, if you for some reason aren't aware or haven't listened to the bonuses, Merritt frequently has Niki and John playing legally-distinct-from-Clive-Barker's-Nightbreed tabletop role-playing game Nightbane in bonus episodes.This full episode is just a long version of that, complete with character creation and a short campaign. Do you like how Niki an
The Great White Off 2026
Could this be the final White Off ever??? Is this the longest Gimmick Month in If You're Driving history?????? To answer these questions and many more, please listen to the episode.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki
Driving Week
Gimmick Month continues with all the car-related fun you can pack into one hour. Come travel the highways and byways with us.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jor
Normal Week
Gimmick Month continues with Normal Week, the most regular week of the show to date. It's very "business as usual" hours in here this episode, so don't be surprised if things are exactly how you expect them to be. It's normal!Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six
Smooth Week
Gimmick Month continues with the return of Smooth Week, back after a long absence for reasons we're just not gonna get into! How will Smooth by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20) match up against Smooth by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20) in this year's head-to-head battle? And did you remember to do your homework?Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported
Teen Week
Gimmick Month continues with Teen Week, where Niki, John and merritt not only embody the teens of today, but also try and reformat the show to be more appealing to the dozens of teens out there listening to podcasts. Is GTA overrated? Are you on Glimber? Where are all of our dads?Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip awa
Week Week
It's once again time for Gimmick Month, the five-week experience where this show has some sort of coherent theme or premise, totally unlike how it normally is! This week's theme: What's the best week of the year? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous
Who Domed Buzz Lightyear?
Fresh from a theater with a very peculiar bathroom, merritt, John and Niki discuss the latest entry in the Toy Story franchise, how "toy" is determined and who decides what gets sentience, kid brain osmosis, Toy of the Year in 2001, Bionicles, Z-Bots, and somehow, additional things that aren't toys.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble
Horse of the Year
merritt, John and Niki investigate what little remains of the world of soap operas, before moving on to the roller coaters of Dubai, "British Linus," knife training videos, Brazil Dot Com, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous to
Ep. 187 Bonus: Drunken Wolverine Ninja Kung-Fu: The Home Game
Hey!!! We decided to make this week's Patreon-exclusive bonus episode available to everyone, just to give y'all a little taste of what you're missing out on. If you liked this, there's tons more bonus content already waiting for you at https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving! Okay bye! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Aaahh!!! Real Judo
With Jordan back on the sticks, Niki, merritt and John attempt to tackle their biggest responsibility of the year: Planning for Gimmick Month. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, a
Til Death Do You Straight
Drivey note: this week's episode has been untouched by the loving hands of producer Jordan Mallory. John is much worse at Jordan's job than Jordan is, so please forgive this week for any audio issues or snafus.This week, John bravely asks the question "what if we gave just a few minutes to acknowledge the straights" to Merritt and Niki on this, the first day of Pride (at least when we recorded it)
Hails or Teads
This week merritt, John and Niki do an extended Star Wars goof (I don't think any of these spoilers are real, but who can say, really? I sure as shit didn't watch that movie), before moving on to greener, less celestial pastures, including any date between 2000 and 2010, a specific guy running for governor of California, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listen
ABC vs NBC: Mark of the Millennium 2001
This week Niki, John and merritt discuss their shower habits, the contents of the Nickelodeon time capsule, skinned Grogu, the premise of 1997 ABC television series Teen Angel, the ending of Full House, and gang? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or
The Scions of the Tool Man
Niki is out this week, but merritt and John still find plenty to talk about in the meantime. Well, by "plenty" I mean mostly Tim Allen, but there's some other stuff in there too! Netbooks, Destiny 2 nightmares, child actors and their fates, reverse engineering the plot of Pixels -- there's more going on here than just Tim Allen. I'll be honest though, lotta Tim Allen in this one.Welcome to If You'
Pastor Princess
John, Niki and merritt assess the 2026 Met Gala in real time, providing up-to-the-minute details and analysis of all the freaks in their weird getups, in addition to discussing related topics such as future Met Gala theme ideas, the surgery that makes you Korean, what constitutes a helmet, Eli Lilly's iron grasp on your grandma, defunct social media networks, and gang? Somehow even more.Welcome to
Reconstruction Indicator
merritt, Niki and John talk about Ted Lasso for a really, really long time, after which they discuss shoes, the legend of Achilles, the Will Smith vehicle Hancock, and now that the gang is back together, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six sim
All Women Are Related
Niki and John wrap up their doubles set by discussing what happens to your soul if/when you die in space, seeing dangerous animals in the wild, hunting Big the Cat, Niki's legally relevant total lack of opinions on The Super Mario Galaxy Movie, the Glossary of terms in our Discord server, movie remakes they haven't done yet, and if you can believe it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving
Hiding Under Desks Was Better Than This
merritt's back in space for some reason, I dunno I've lost track, but John and Niki are still here holding down the fort and talking about important issues that affect our lives daily, including the Pope, phone calls from Burger King, the sad tale of albert the alligator, the new fockers movie, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcas
1-900-SMUT-BUSTERS
John, Niki and merritt pause their Smut-Busting activities to refocus on more pressing matters, which include (but are not limited to) Shrek 5, the new "patched' Whopper® from Burger King (Home of the Whopper®), leaving important voicemails for important people, the burgers they got on the space station, HEB(!!!!), dating Shaboozey and, somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your E
John's Razors
merritt reunites with John and Niki via satellite for an update on the status of the Artemis II mission (which everyone on the show was definitely aware of), a brief discussion about various use cases for pneumatic tubes in the household, the plot to kill the baseball child, merritt's first royalty check from Marvel Comics, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a lis
The Wilt Chamberlain of Elevators
Apparently it's Elevator Week, so John, Michael and Niki discuss a number of topics relevant to the theme, including what everyone's favorite elevator is, whether you press the open/close door buttons, the Guardians of the Galaxy redesign of the Tower of Terror, elevators with various interior finishes, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comed
Fix Your Back or Die
Friend of the Show™ Michael Higham joins Niki and John for an episode of our audio television program wherein the gang discusses Niki falling down the stairs, various types of dog food, getting a burger after that big win, "fuck-ass food," the stagnation of western cultural development since the proliferation of the Internet, and yeah, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eye
Spoonworthy
With merritt once again visiting the International Space Station, John and Niki hold down the fort by investigating Taco Bell's desperate new menu items, the contents of Niki's mail, what Enron was or did, the difference between then and now (money ver.), Niki's new health insurance, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast whe
Michael Tiddes
Thanks to the very real and substantial threat of legal action following our last episode, the gang resolves to never* do a variety of celebrity voice impressions again. Instead, merritt, Niki and John spend half the episode talking about the Scary Movie franchise, and then spend the second half of the episode trying and failing to move on to other topics. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your
The Andrew Dice Clay Episode
Look, I'm not happy about it either, but there was nothing I could do. It doesn't last the whole episode, so please, just be strong. You can be strong, I know it. I've seen you do it. I believe in you, okay? We're all gonna get through the intro to this episode together.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the c
On This Week’s 'The Pitt'
Thanks to his extensive Hollywood connections, John lands the gang a gig writing, directing and starring in a new episode of The Pitt. Let the brainstorming begin!Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt
The Duggler
I'm not sure how I feel about it, and honestly it's a little frightening, but somehow John, merritt and Niki spent an entire episode discussing a single topic. I can't remember the last time this happened, and truth be told I'm entirely positive that it's ever happened, but there's a first time for everything I guess. There is one brief but noteworthy diversion about Home Depot, but otherwise I ho
The Janitor at Munger Hall
John, merritt and Niki have finally reunited, and the gang wastes no time getting down to business. What sorts of hammers are there? Do you know what a Munger Hall is? When was the last time that you, a six year old, went out for a fine meal? Do you get to watch it when they ... you know?? Plus a mega-sized installment of Scam Text Theater and, despite our best efforts, somehow even more. Welcome
The Spider That Lives in My PlayStation
Now it's merritt's turn aboard the International Space Station, so Niki and John are once again tasked with carrying the entire podcast on their shoulders. Both deserve credit for not making any 67 jokes on this, our 167th episode, but probably not too much because I think they just forgot. Regardless, you will learn a lot about the slime layer, childhood debt, Good Morning America demographics, a
Why Aren’t I the Limbo Queen?
With Niki aboard the International Space Station for health reasons, merritt and John hold down the fort by discussing their plan for handling legal retaliation from Mickey Rourke, the current state of the MMCU (Malcom in the Middle Cinematic Universe), bringing Jimmy Stewart "back," animated fates worse than death, the 2008 film Jumper, and against the recommendations of our attorney, somehow eve
Erogenous Jones
John, Niki and merritt recap the hustle and bustle of their whirlwind attendance at the Golden Globes, before moving on to today's docket of pressing issues, which include the changes we would make to the Star Wars franchise, how the world has/hasn't improved since 2018, Guardian Caps, changes we would make to the rules of American Football, Bowling for Soup, and despite the advice of our doctors,
Betty Boop Ideas
merritt, Niki and John ring in the New Year (in their timeline anyway, ours is accelerated) by going over new additions to the Public Domain, ideas about how to exploit the new opportunities provided by those additions, and then they just talk about cigarettes. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling
Mouth Heaven
Okay so, full disclosure, I'm sick and didn't listen through this episode before scheduling it, so I have no idea what's in this one. We'll get to find out together! Isn't that romantic? Sit on the other end of the couch though, I'm really, really contagious and you don't want to be in the splash zone for this one. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast
League of Extraordinary Smiths
merritt is back and not a moment too soon, as Niki and John need as much help as they can get to navigate the death of Santa Claus, the return of the Burgermeister, David Carradine, other movies we should make in Fortnite, various Wills Smith, and through the power of the holiday season, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where thre
The Big Loud Fox Jumps Over the Crazy Straw
With merritt aboard the International Space Station, John and Niki hold down the fort by talking about typesetting, sports jokes I didn't understand, the #1 Maryland Food Podcast™, sad stories about old dogs, the lamp you jerk off, off-gassing, and despite our best efforts, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explor
P15S 4G
Finally reunited after No Niki November, the gang wastes no time dissecting a new docket of topical issues facing today's youth, including Frank Sinatra, The Meat Zone, Michael's Milk, doorbells, crimeable acts, earbuds, blood vessels, battery-powered trash cans, and with the power of 1,000 suns, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast w
Michael’s Milk: Welcome to Dairy
John, merritt and Michael are still legally allowed access to microphones (for now), and thus the show continues unabated, despite his best efforts. This week's topics of discussion include Uncrustables, an important clarification regarding Michael's Milk™, Kirby's secret origins, John's secret to huge numbers, mad cow disease, butt chugging, childhood trauma (unrelated), and despite pressure from
Michael's Milk
We hope you're thirsty, because Michael, John and merritt are back with gallons of gossip and giggles for you to guzzle down your gullet! [Editor's note: I'm trying a new thing where the descriptions are really annoying, let me know what you think.] After our regular biweekly Bible sesh, the gang dishes over their favorite apocalypse-themed wrestlers, the ideal diner hot sauce, John from Cincinnat
The Characters Welcome Era
No Niki November continues, with Michael, merritt and John doing their absolute best to keep this train on its tracks, with predictable results. Topics of discussion for this episode include the output of the USA Network between 2005 and 2016, "the first porno you watched," the existence of the Storkborn, ye olde Internet, buying CDs in 2025 and, if you can believe it, somehow even more.Welcome to
Miles "Tim" Prower
With Niki exiled to the International Space Station for No Niki November, friend of the show Michael Higham joins John and merritt for another round of ... whatever this is. The gang talks about baseball, AI-generated pictures of Shaq, how long we've had our phone numbers, the dating age limit, and some general information about Canada, as well as a a double edition of Scam Text Theater and, someh
Megan Thee Stiltwalker
In our most SCARETACULAR episode yet, John, merritt and Niki don their festive garb and roam the streets causing mischief. Between egging houses, our trio touches on a number of SCREAMIFYING topics, including the evolution of the Spirit Halloween business model, Dracula's Dulce de Leche Dream, if your hair and nails still grow when you're dead, historical use of cattle prods by Canadian law enforc
Chewbacca Lifespan
merritt, Niki and John spend an hour or so boiling life's issues down to their most distilled, relatable ingredients, and then snort or smoke them. This week's chemical additives include Major League Baseball, lower the ppm microplastic count of your jizz, manuka honey, an installment of Scam Text Theater that is truly one for the books, and if you still have room for dessert, somehow even more.We
Sorkin My Peanits
Niki and John welcome merritt back from her Las Vegas vacation(?), and after we find out how much money she lost, the show quickly moves on to other topics, which include (but are not limited to) time share presentations, Scam Text Theater entries from all three hosts(!!!), figuring out a Halloween costume for Niki, the lore of Family Matters, and if you listen closely, somehow even more.Welcome t
I Don’t Have to Date the Donut Shop
With merritt aboard the International Gambling Station, local hero Michael Higham joins Niki and John for an extensive, in-depth discussion about dating, car drinks, antimicrobial ping-pong balls, John's friend Ben, people who play Quidditch in real life, and before Niki and Michael have to go to this wedding, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported co
The PLT
Your phone rings. It's an unfamiliar number. The caller ID says "MAYBE: TODD," but can you really be sure? You answer, hoping to hear a familiar voice, and that is indeed what you find, but not in the way you had wanted. All that's waiting for you on the other end is John, merritt and Niki, talking at length about consumer safety, Leo saying the n-word, Canada's secret McDonald's veggie burger, in
9/11 Never Forget Special 2
What better way to celebrate 150 episodes of whatever the hell this is than by taking a little trip down memory lane? Niki, merritt and John listen to YOUR clips from past episodes and see if they can remember any of them, and afterwards they discuss additional pressing topics such as their mail cadence, Niki's ongoing battle against the City of Los Angeles, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If Yo
Decorative Snake, That Was
merritt, Niki and John, convene as a counsel of force ghosts for their regularly-scheduled parliamentary duties, which include determining how many snakes Chewbacca has seen, pulling a gun on Yoda, merritt's serial killer breakfast menu, john's ongoing "applesauce problem," the racist cinnamon stick, new frontiers in love, the man who invented the red clown nose, and according to the docket, someh
Sorghum & The Famous Chicken
Niki, John and merritt break bread over a number of meaningful topics affecting today's Sleepy Americans, including "the old ways," musical appliances, real tangible manifest ramifications for your performance here, keeping your eye on the foot, a number of sports mascots, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where thr
Steak Though? Steak?
John, merritt and Niki reconvene for a fresh round of industry analysis and insight, covering such diverse topics as Fraiser, Mad About You, "fuck-ass Westerns," fluffy toilet lid covers, those 52 plastic-coated little guys, secrets for a successful gambling trip, what you can do with $120, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy pod
The Great Canadian-Off
merritt surprises John and Niki with not just a game to play on a mainline episode, but a Canadian game about Canada and its wonderful(?) culture.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren
List of Bean Head Cartoons
With John aboard the International Space Station, merritt and Niki make do by discussing fly fishing penis etiquette, the World Games, "cracking open a warm one," MSNBC's new name, the pre-Gumball era, famous ibexes, and folks? Somehow, against all odds, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbli
CloneFL
John, merritt and Niki once again attempt to solve the world's most pressing issues, which this week include the cryo lab they have at the zoo, post-war surfing, cow valves, British people singing, the vast potential enabled by time travel, and folks? Somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the c
The Sand Eating Competition
With Gimmick Month behind us, and with everyone's ensuing physical and emotional wounds mostly healed, merritt, John and Niki get back to basics with a good ol' fashioned episode of the podcast. What does that mean, exactly? It means talking about slicing burgers like pizza. It means inventing new kinds of state-based restaurant systems. It means investigating the seedy underbelly of competitive e
Gimmick Month: The Great White Off 2025
Gimmick Month crashes into its shocking and climactic conclusion, as Niki runs merritt and John through a gauntlet of challenges designed to determine just who on this show is the whitest.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted
Gimmick Month: Candy Week
Gimmick Month continues somehow, with our three heroes navigating Candy Week to the absolute best of their abilities. Perils awaiting them include (but are not limited to) beef tallow Reese's Cups, "the one that most looks like a turd," carbonic acid, the chocolate bar that makes you gay, something called "bridge mixture," and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a lis
Gimmick Month: Oops, Other People's Gimmicks
If you thought Gimmick Month wasn't going to last the whole month, well, that's not a very reasonable assumption! We named it that on purpose! Anyway this week's gimmick is plagiarism. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by
Gimmick Month: Quiz Week
Gimmick Month continues with Niki's most devious and unpredictable challenge yet: Quiz Week. Do you know as much about the world as you think you do? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Wa
Gimmick Month: PBS Week
It's July somewhere, and that means it's finally time for Gimmick Month!! Niki has graciously taken point on engineering this year's gimmicks, starting off the 2025 season with PBS Week, which, of course, must include discussion of Little Richard, Fetch with Ruff Ruffman, video games on the roadshow, when you go "to see a thing and one of the people doesn't say anything," and folks? Somehow even m
The Knife Man Commeth
Longtime best-friend and founding cast member LB Hunktears returns for a special episode full of surprises and adventure, as John, Niki and merritt walk LB through everything they've missed over the last few weeks, including Niki's plan to "do We Are the World again," Bane JNCOs, Frankenstein, the Spaceballs sequel, the latest issue of that AARP magazine Niki gets in the mail for some reason, jelq
Mormon Dentist of Salt Lake City
John's back from having major reconstructive surgery, so to celebrate Niki and merritt throw him a big welcome home party with all of John's favorite things, including the show Sister Wives, "the autistic character in League of Legends," merritt's new straight jacket, Frank Thomas' Fuck Pills, doing gear, coming up with new rules for America's Favorite Pastime, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If
merritt Saw the Creature
merritt, John and Niki bring a very important topic to the forefront of their weekly discussions: Who is behind the conspiracy destroying this podcast? To get to the bottom of it, the gang investigates a number of related mysteries, including the ET and Mario Kart rides at Universal Studios, "he has big teeth and he's everywhere," merritt's new Wii, and homie, somehow even more.Welcome to If You'r
Jake: Origins
So the bad news this week is that John was in an honest-to-God car accident and has a broken ankle, but the good news is that merritt is joining the show fulltime! These incidents are unrelated and nobody should look into them. :) Otherwise the gang workshops some new ways to incentivize young voters, while also handling John's irrational fear of windows, shoot playing Roblox, and folks, somehow e
More Burger Music
John, merritt and Niki crack open a cold tallboy of TRUTH and slurp down a flight of intoxicating discussion topics, including (but not limited to) a failed clone of Machine Gun Kelly, the average number of marriages on this show, getting Jason Bourned as "something to do," Pac-Man's cavernous maw, a Chuck E. Cheese fire in Chicago, and honestly, so much that I've purposefully left out because it
Ahh!! It's Not Hot!!!
John, Niki and merritt take a break from their quickly unraveling lives [Editor's note: They're fine, I'm just trying to spice things up a little] to discuss a growing number of deep interpersonal concerns, including the physical cost of teleporting, our plans for the rapidly approaching Gimmick Month, deciding to look at a real dead body live on air, vertical smiles (and not the kind you'd think)
Wokelock
In addition to being on From the World of John Wick: Ballerina watch, Niki, merritt and John are also keeping an eye on several other developing situations, including Amy Poehler's podcasting career, everyone's favorite Rugrats, putting a bath over your bath, whether Jamba Juice still exists, Law & Order's latest murder, the Billboard Top 100, the most racist thing merritt's ever done, the Whe
Gasoline Pie
With Niki and merritt installed as America's new Gas Czar(s), John struggles to adapt to the new normal of gasoline freestyle machines. Meanwhile, the group is also enlisted to solve a number of scientific quandaries, including whether Sandman from comics (not that one) cums sand, why you should respect the superhuman abilities of Ariel from The Little Mermaid trilogy, what to make of a special jp
Monkey Breeders List - Digital File
It's the first day of merrit's extended speaking engagement at Drivey's Ed, and to celebrate she briefs John and Niki on a number of pressing topics that she hopes to cover during her stay, including her upcoming stint as Prime Minster of Canada, the specifics of that gorilla question that's going around, Niki's weekend at the country music festival, cows the size of NERDS® Candy, and pardner, som
With My Mouth Hand
LB, Niki and John. You know them, you love them, and one of them was forced to do crowd work as a child, but you'll have to listen to find out which. We also learn about a certain someone's shameful gas buying habits ("Don't tell anyone I top off!"), the secret truth about escape rooms, a Sailor Scout you've never heard of, value-added fungus, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Cl
Facts About 'The Pitt'
LB, Niki and John, placed on this Earth to perform one task, must continue their great effort by first dealing with LB's overstretched plantar, the existence of the "chicken jockey" and what effect saying the phrase "chicken jockey" to one's parents might have, the music they're playing our children in PE class, if Ghost Adventures is real, the return of Scam Text Theater, and homies, so much more
To Us, You’re Already Bald
It's time once again for LB, John and Niki to do their usual thang and solve all of the world's problems in just over an hour. This week, our heroes discuss batteries, different ways of making oats, the Burger King's relationship with Ronald McDonald, writing in cursive, why they not have ketchup in glass bottle anymore, hooking up your new chair, penis music, and as expected, somehow even more.We
Hey King, You Are the King
Back in the saddle and blasting indiscriminately, John, Niki and LB gather their various dogs for a ruff-riding romp through a number of discussion topics, which include (but are not limited to) the mural at Johnny Rockets, the Quibi guy, watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit while standing outside of a FUBU, British people and their historical chants, The Rock and how he "ruins things," and despite ou
Adventures Doomsday
Niki, John and LB chew the fat -- the HORSE fat, that is!!! -- in this wacky new installment of our madcap program. I don't know how you guys LISTEN to this stuff!! XD Not only does LB debut a brand-new segment, but this episode also touches on some really wild and unpredictable nonsense, like the correlation between sandwich length and disease severity, Reddit's secret "third measurement," dogs w
Rat Bar
With Niki trapped aboard the San Francisco Space Station, local hero Charles Harte steps in to "fill the void" and help LB and John answer some of the biggest questions facing today's Sleepy Americans, including if anyone has ever fucked The Big Apple Coaster at New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, how hot farts are, the biggest poop ever recorded, contracting Hantavirus, whether the
Blood Laundering
This week John, Niki and LB, in a show of unity and strength against mounting opposition forces, take scam dog food makers to task for making scam dog foods. They also launch a radical new campaign designed to end conversations they don't want to participate in; usher in a new age of cyber skeletons for those in need; put a stop to the miserable toil of "doing stuff," and a number of other policy
All Women (Plus Tony)
LB, Niki, John, Jack and Dianne all convene at the local Tastee-Freez to suck on some chili dogs and talk shop, which this week includes John's trade to the Lakers, Niki's new state of being, Steve's last iPod, interchangeable company names, pivoting to PETA, The Wiggles™, trying to meet Wolfgang Puck in 2025, and honestly dude, so much more that I don't want to spoil it.Welcome to If You're Drivi
You’re a Wild Rebel Sexy Hot Adult Woman
John, LB and Niki peruse the menu of life and choose a number of appetizing topics to sate their hunger for discussion, including LB's new towels, hanging out with BTS, another installment of Scam Text Theater, the complete plot of The Substance (so spoiler warning obvs), if Aaron Sorkin wrote Dawson's Creek, our definitive ranking of the Barenaked Ladies, more drug physics, and y'all? Somehow eve
The No Clean List
Niki, LB and John waste no time this week, immediately casting aside pretense and delving straight into a number of pertinent and pressing topics, including "what if Tylenol goes woke," two new kinds of hyper-localized lottery, the specific kind of Weird™ that people get about celebrities like Natalie Portman and Milana Vayntrub, the details of our upcoming Super Bowl commercial, the return of Sca
This Machine Knocks Big Glasses of Water Over
It's Valentine's Day (when we're recording, at least), so obviously LB, Niki and John have to talk about hallway shoes, the "prison walrus trap," an upsetting development concerning LB's enormous glass of iced water, Chucky, the ongoing popularity of Furby-brand toys, dating a ghost, animal genetics and, as a special treat, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast
shoes.help
John, LB (congratulations LB!) and Niki strap on their ballerina fetish heels and dance around a number of pressing topics, including if the ear is a hole, household expiration dates, denim jeans, LB's new fruit, how hard it may or may not be to "change red to blue, in genetics," counting your apples before they hatch, the inevitable Paul brothers turn to Christianity, and y'all? Somehow even more
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