He Blamed It On Me
He Blamed It on Me is a personal narrative about a marriage that rapidly descended from loving to emotionally abusive. The host shares their raw experience of living through the abuse, leaving, and piecing together recovery. It functions as both a memoir and a practical survival guide for those currently in similar situations. The podcast aims to help survivors feel understood and to educate anyone seeking to recognize emotional abuse.
Episodes
Chapter 10: He Got Better. I Fell Apart
For months, I held everything together. I protected my husband, I managed our home, and I told almost no one what was really happening, because I'm the problem solver, and I didn't want to be a bother. Then he started to get better. And that's exactly when I fell apart. In this chapter, I talk about the isolation I chose without realizing it, the flood of emotions that hit once I finally had room
Is the Most Dangerous Time Really After You Leave?
They say the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is after they leave. For me, that turned out to be true. In this episode, I tell the story of the night I sat at my own kitchen table and genuinely wondered if I would still be alive when the police arrived. My ex never once laid a hand on me in our marriage. There was never any physical abuse. And still, there was a night I was certain he could
Chapter 9: My Secret – Death Could Be a Solution
This is the chapter I almost didn't record. It's something I have never told anyone, not even my therapist. In the late summer of 2022, the weight of my marriage got so heavy that my mind went to a dark place I'm still ashamed of. In this chapter, I talk honestly about the thoughts that overwhelm can put in your head, the guilt that comes with them, and the moment everything shifted when I realiz
Why Do I Feel Like an Exhausted Single Mom When I'm Married?
You're exhausted. Everything lands on your plate. You've got a hundred tabs open in your brain and nobody to hand a single one to. You feel like a single parent, except you're married. In this episode, I talk about over-functioning. What it is, how it quietly becomes your whole life, and the loop that lets one partner step back while the other carries everything. I get honest about the difference
Chapter 8: When the Planner Stops Planning
I am a planner. Give me a passing mention of a vacation, and I'll have a list of hotels and things to do by the next morning. But in the summer and fall of 2022, I stopped. No trips, no plans, nothing to look forward to. I told myself I was just busy. The truth was that the future had gotten too painful to imagine. In this chapter, I share the small, quiet moment that finally showed me how bad thi
What To Do When Your Abusive Partner Is Struggling Mentally
How do you support someone who is struggling when that same person is your abuser? The honest, heavy truth about where love ends and abuse begins. For a long time, I told myself that if I just poured enough into my husband, he would get better, and I would finally get what I needed back. What I didn't see was how much it was costing me. In this episode, I talk about what it really means to support
Chapter 7: That's Not Normal - Becoming Suicidal
Content warning: this episode talks openly about suicide, suicidal thoughts, and moments of emotional and physical aggression. Please take care of yourself while you listen. If you are struggling, you are not alone, and there are people ready to help. This is one of the hardest chapters of my story to tell. As that fall went on, my husband's episodes lasted longer and hit harder, and his sleepless
Why Didn't You Just Leave Your Emotionally Abusive Marriage?
Why didn't you just leave? It's the question almost every abuse victim gets, and it's one I've had to sit with myself. In this episode, I get honest about why I stayed in a marriage that turned abusive: the fifteen good years I wasn't ready to throw away, the gaslighting that had me doubting my own reality, and the people around me who quietly made it my job to fix him instead of save myself. I al
Chapter 6: I Know it's Not Right, but…
This is the chapter where I started changing my behavior, not because I did anything wrong, but because I was exhausted from the consequences of living my normal life. I evaluated every invitation. I memorized every guest list. I prepared for the interrogation before I walked back through my own front door. I knew it wasn't right. But I also knew I loved him, and I believed that love was enough to
Why do I feel like everything is my fault in my relationship?
You said sorry before you even knew what you did. Somewhere along the way, "it's my fault" stopped being a conclusion and became your default setting. This episode is about the blame dynamic: what happens when one person is the permanent defendant and the other is never on trial. His bad day, your fault. His reaction, your fault. Somehow even his behavior, your fault for provoking it. I'm walking
Chapter 5 - It's Me, I'm The Problem. But Am I Really?
The next few months had one thing in common: somehow, it was always my fault. A natural reaction. A missed sentence. A chair facing the wrong direction. No matter how carefully I moved through my own life, it was never enough. This chapter ends at a funeral, sitting next to my husband while he said nothing, wondering if we could ever find our way back to happy. KayllianCollective.com
You're Not Imagining It. Finding a Therapist Really Is This Hard
If you've ever tried to find a therapist and felt like the system was working against you, it kind of is. In this episode, we dig into the real numbers behind America's mental health care crisis: the shortage, the cost, the wait times, and why so many people who need help aren't getting it. You're not imagining it. It really is this hard. KayllianCollective.com Source Links: - https://hell
Chapter 4: Getting Him Help
What do you do when you finally have an answer but no idea what to do with it? In this chapter, I'm holding everything together by calming the kids, talking him down from leaving, and convincing my husband he needed help. I watched him navigate the mental health industry that was causing him more stress. I called his mother when I had nothing left. I kept his secret because I didn't want to add to
Can Someone Love You and Still Hurt You?
Can someone love you and still hurt you? It's not a simple yes or no answer. In this episode, we break down the difference between hurt that comes from mistakes and hurt that comes from control, and why loving someone deeply can make it almost impossible to see the difference when you're in it. KayllianCollective.com
Chapter 3: The Night Everything Changed – Just Not for the Better
For weeks I kept calling it a rough patch. This is the night I couldn't anymore. It started with something small and good, a gathering with people I'd missed, and it ended somewhere I never saw coming. For fifteen years I'd had one reliable power in our marriage. That night, for the first time, it failed me. In this episode, I walk through the hours that followed, the choices I made trying to hold
Is Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?
In my marriage, saying the word "gaslighting" didn't start a conversation; it ended one. If you've ever wondered whether what's happening to you is gaslighting or been told you're using the word wrong, this episode is for you. We're talking about what gaslighting really is, what it isn't, and why your experience deserves to be heard no matter what you call it. Kaylliancollective.com
Chapter 2 - Let the Gaslighting Begin
After one conversation changed everything, the weeks that followed were a slow unraveling. Every day brought a new accusation, a new reason to doubt myself, and a new version of me I didn't recognize. I thought I was a dedicated, loyal, trustworthy person, until someone I loved convinced me I wasn't. KayllianCollective.com
Chapter 1: May 19th 2022
On our 15th dating anniversary, I sat across from my husband at a coffee shop and told him something completely honest: that a man had hit on me the night before, and I'd said no. What I got back was an accusation of having an affair. This is the episode where the story begins, and where I first learned that telling the truth could be used against me. KayllianCollective.com
Welcome to He Blamed It On Me
Welcome to He Blamed It On Me. This podcast is my unfiltered story of living inside, leaving, and recovering from a marriage that went from amazing to abusive in one conversation. In this episode you'll hear why I am starting this podcast and what you can expect. Learn more at KayllianCollective.com
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