You Can't Do That is a hockey podcast hosted by three women who describe themselves as having more opinions than information and plenty of feelings about the Washington Capitals. Eva, Kelly, and Rave discuss league headlines, player antics, and other hockey topics with jokes and yelling. They also debate which hockey players are cats and which are dogs. The show is enthusiastic, self-righteous, and more about having fun than being experts.
Episodes
#231: Ankles Out
"The kitten is the dog of the cat." Kelly, Eva, and Rave are still trying to figure out if the Caps are any good at hockey this season. (Leaning..."sorta"? "At times"?) In the meantime they're ready to combat ignorance about fashion, Carly Rae Jepsen, Dylan Strome's value, and TOXIC RICK TOCCHET. Rick Toccxic. This episode was recorded on November 8, 2026. Timecodes: (2:44) Defund the Fas
#230: The Gamut of Boys (Boy Gamut)
"Old man lays in cloud." The Capitals' season is off to a fun 'n funky start thanks to Eva, Kelly, and Rave's new favorite guy, Alex Tuch. But does the fact that we CAN fix Dylan Larkin mean we should? Also: Wordle-ing, Connor Hellebuyck to hell, and Brady Tkachuk vs. the federal capital of Canada. This episode was recorded on October 25, 2026. Timecodes: (2:40) Clean Out Your Locker, You
#229: Farewell, Crapper
"This is Cognitive Dissonance: Ignore It: The Sport." We're back, babes! Rave, Kelly, and Eva gather to assess the overall state of the Washington Capitals, evaluate our newest boys (and boys who aren't new but who we lowkey forgot about, sorry to those boys), review Kelly's notes from the Caps-Pens home opener, and share a big announcement. This episode was recorded on October 11, 2026.
Official Trailer: Season 10
We're baaaaaaaack.
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#228: Jarv-Pilled
"'Scenes From A Hat' ass." Shocking no one, Eva, Kelly, and Rave cheered as the Carolina Hurricanes stomped on Vegas (and Carter Hart) to win the Stanley Cup, and became fully Jarv-pilled in the process. Also on the docket: Dylan Larkin, PWHL roster supremacy, and - yep, it's that time again - the combine. This episode was recorded on June 16, 2026.Timecodes: (4:07) Pool Without a Ladder
#227: High-Danger Goofin'
"Matt! No!!" Is there a worse Cup Finals matchup for this particular podcast than Vegas vs. Carolina? Kelly, Eva, and Rave give this question the sincere deliberation it deserves…but not before checking in on several more compelling topics, including Team Finland, the Montreal Victoire, and Evgeni Malkin. This episode was recorded on June 2, 2026.Timecodes: (3:06) Summer Camp Catalog | (1
#226: The Upsides
"Look how muscles he is." The second round of the playoffs has left Rave, Eva, and Kelly perturbed and disappointed tbqh!! Time to choose the lesser of several evils and check in on the relative villainy levels of Jakub Dobeš, John Tortorella, the PWHL's compliment sandwich, and the Canucks' new president(s) of hockey ops. This episode was recorded on May 19, 2026.Timecodes: (3:22) Glory
#225: It's Curtains, Girl!
"It galls an old bitch." LOFFS TIME. Eva, Kelly, and Rave eulogize the first-round fallen and make irresponsible predictions about what’s to come in their usual even-handed, well-informed, and anti-Vegas way. Plus: Kelly weighs in on the latest Leafs news from the suffocating darkness of Canucks Corner. This episode was recorded on May 7, 2026.Timecodes: (4:36) Baseball Nickname Generator
#224: Not Ovi Til It's Ovi
"Go die with him!" Kelly, Eva, and Rave are serving up some piping hot copium about the retirement or non-retirement of our load-bearing Russian machine. Grab a glass, friends. Also on the docket: dragging the Leafs organization for filth in the public square, reminiscing about our early love for the Avs, and assessing the first-round playoffs matchups based on criteria we made up a secon
#223: Problematic Age Caps
"Exhausted AND fatigued." Alexander Ovechkin keeps breaking records but he's got more important things to worry about, and so do Rave, Kelly, and Eva. Things like: All our new Caps babies! And CHILIGATE. And organ transplants. This episode was recorded on March 28, 2026.Timecodes: (5:06) Most Eligible Bachelors of Atchison, Kansas | (16:17) Caps chat | (53:33) Elsewhere in the NHL
★ Su
#222: Farewell to the Friendship Factory
"Don't hang up!!" Eva, Rave, and Kelly have a lot to process about the fact that TWO load-bearing Washington Capitals were traded away for [what feels like] PENNIES on the dollar. Meanwhile, former Capital Radko Gudas is enemy #1 of the weary ghost of what used to be the Toronto Leafs. Maybe Ricky Rain Frog can cheer everyone up? This episode was recorded on March 15, 2026.Timecodes: (7:1
#221: Wife War
"Get PooCrave'd." Of all the dead wives in our motion pictures, Sidney Crosby is the most beautiful and powerful, and Kelly, Eva, and Rave have the funeral wreaths to prove it. But first: the good (PLD is BACK), the bad (the p*wer pl*y, always), and the ugly (Connor McDavid's humiliation ritual). This episode was recorded on March 1, 2026.Timecodes: (3:41) Our Dead Wife Sidney Crosby | (1
#220: Livestreaming At The Bone Church
"In-house orgies only." NHL hockey? We don't know her. It's Olympics time. Rave, Eva, and Kelly check in on how women's and men's hockey is progressing in Milan, with digressions on veneers, Hilary Knight's courtship, and Time For Kids (and other icons of the '90s). This episode was recorded on February 15, 2026.Timecodes: (04:26) Olympics women's hockey | (35:32) Olympics men's hockey
#219: Bobblehead Graveyard
"Mean prudes." Eva, Kelly, and Rave may feel threatened by Nathan MacKinnon’s goal-scoring success but they're not letting it affect their enjoyment of the Caps' [checks notes] TWO consecutive wins last week, the beautiful tear falling down Sidney Crosby's cheek, or William Nylander's indefatigable bitchiness. There are cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see, etc. This episode w
#218: A Convenient European
"Who stole your crown, queen?" This week Kelly, Eva, and Rave explore the Caps' desperate need for a bitchy center, the Oilers' astrological baggage, the Senators' entry into the "unforced error press releases of all time" competition, and other goings-on across our National Hockey League. This episode was recorded on January 18, 2026.Timecodes: (5:32) Oilers astrology | (18:12) Caps chat
#217: Four Sauces, One Haircut
"Power forward Miss Piggy." Rave, Eva, and Kelly are ready to build back better this year, first with an apology re: those hockey show twunks, then with well-informed suggestions for NHL and Olympics GMs re: constructing winning teams. Other topics: Justin Sourdif's verve, Auston Matthews' hats, and (sob!) Kelly's Quinnifer Mourning Quorner. This episode was recorded on January 4, 2026.Ti
#216: The Flower of His Pesthood
"Sending love to Jan." Eva, Rave, and Kelly are gathered in the metaphorical mind basement with bowls of cashews and cigarettes and they're ready to talk hockey, from the Caps' win streak and lengthening injured list to Olympics gossip and general Canucks' agony. Oh, and (of course) (finally) the big gay hockey show. NO, NOT THE NHL, SILLY, the other one. This episode was recorded on Dece
#215: The Messarounds
"Release your birth time." This episode is brought to you by Dylan Strome's third baby, Ethen Frank's singular face, and a blurry cell phone photo of the back of our heads as we enjoy a meal with Tate McRae. Plus: Kelly's grinchy grin for JT Miller, a buncha Connors, and the Thanksgiving Rule. This episode was recorded on November 23, 2025.Timecodes: (2:29) Isekai Title Generator | (8:16)
#214: Chilly Dogg
"You're the unc now." What a delightfully magical and mystical month we're having! Rave, Eva, and Kelly are feeling inspired by Ovi's 900th, the Caps/Pens' long-haul relationship, a terrible "power" play, and Jacob Chychrun's new narrative. Plus: several parades of hockey Halloween costumes, special boys, gay little sweaters, and acute team suffering. This episode was recorded on November
#213: Forward-Facing Dingus
"Living rent-free in your prison restaurant." We can't all be Judi Jupiter bewitching young hockeys with our chaotic vibes for the purposes of content creation, but gosh darn it, Eva, Kelly, and Rave are gonna keep trying. Up for discussion: a foiled goalie fight, a beast named Tusky, a stubborn curse, and Geno supremacy. This episode was recorded on October 26, 2025.Timecodes: (3:19) Ken
#212: Eau du Knockoff
"It's all just fine and NOT lies." WE'RE BACK. Kelly, Eva, and Rave have gathered 'round the mics to talk hockey once again and there's much to discuss, including Mitch Marner to VGK, Connor McDavid's hot poly summer, and the Washington Capitals' perma-bad power play. Plus: A tasteful and unbiased assessment of team jersey design updates. This episode was recorded on October 13, 2025.Time
Official Trailer: Season 9
We’re about to start YCDT’s ninth hockey season and we’re feeling prettttty confident about what we're bringing to the table. See you soon, nerds. [Producers’ note: Ignore the hosts! Tell your friends!]
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#211: Meme-Fodder Boys
"A creature-shaped hole." Eva, Kelly, and Rave wrap up the '24-'25 NHL season by appreciating the narrative-free grit of the Florida Panthers, the charisma uniqueness nerve and talent of Flyers GM Danny Briere, and the many funny trades and goings-on in between. This episode was recorded on June 23, 2025.Timecodes: (4:10) Ol’ What’s His Name | (11:11) Congrats, Cats | (38:35) Caps chat |
#210: Recreational Kvetching
"Rat accrual." After a couple crucial Caps updates, Kelly, Rave, and Eva pour one out for our dead Dallas Stars (and say sayonara to goalie mistreater Pete DeBoer), celebrate the Brad Marchand of it all as Florida takes on Edmonton again, have an unexpectedly heated discussion about the handshake line, and pull a few tarot cards to see what we're in for. This episode was recorded on June
#209: Open For Swedeness
"Tragedy of the Mitch commons." As Round 2 fades fast from our short-term memories, Rave, Eva, and Kelly take the collective temperature about the Caps lowkey crash-out, crack open the rich tome of of The Maple Leafs' Whole Deal to analyze some themes, and hitch wagons to their preferred steed as we sally forth to the conference finals. This episode was recorded on May 18, 2025.Timecodes:
#208: Limber Groin
"The art of deception and pageantry." Round 1? She's done. Finished. Eva, Kelly, and Rave bid the eliminated teams a respectful farewell, weigh in on various and sundry shenanigans that occurred throughout, and look Round 2 right in the eye. Plus: The only person more desperate than Jim Rutherford to talk aloud in public about the Canucks right now is Kelly lol. This episode was recorded
#207: A Slightly Different Time Loop
"They stupidassbitch'd this." IT'S PLAYOFFS TIIIIIIME and Kelly, Eva, and Rave are doing FINE! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!! This one's a little all over the place as we check in on the Caps vs. the ghosts of 2010, the ongoing failures of the Vancouver Canucks, the triumphant return of Gabe Landeskog, our end-of-season awards recipients, and much much more. This episode was recorded on April 19,
#206: Spiders Ovi
"Euthanasia like a horse." We weren't supposed to record this week but, welp, he did it. By "he," we mean Ovi. And by "it," we mean "Finally killed W*yne Gr*tzky." Sorry to that old man. This very special episode was recorded on April 8, 2025.Timecodes: (6:55) Goal #894 | (18:22) Goal #895
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#205: The Coachmancy
"Taste that pit." Eva checks in with Kelly and Rave about the latest in the world of the Washington Capitals, including some clever losses, some new Chychrun wellness theories, Protas ascendency, the signing of a new boy, and the return of a beloved color commenter. Plus: The Old Slut Playoffs and a farewell to Torts. This episode was recorded on March 31, 2025.Timecodes: (2:29) Nominativ
#204: Goof And Goofus-er
"Team breakfasts won't save you." This season's trade deadline really insisted upon itself, you know? Kelly, Rave, and Eva take a look at the goings-on to sort the Goofuses (Mikko to DAL, Brad to FLA, Rick Tocchet generally) from the Gallants (Fleury vs. Pens, Bedard vs. refs, the Capitals generally). This episode was recorded on March 16, 2025.Timecodes: (2:40) Fight Songs | (11:16) Trad
#203: Freaked Up
"He's a soup combo for sure." This podcast has been marked safe from being scored on by Alex Ovechkin! But hopefully not for long. Kelly, Rave, and Eva check in on the Caps’ mAgiCaL cHemIsTrY, the poetry of the Gr8 Chase, the power of the Flyer’s Last Supper, the darksided energy of Connor McDavid’s McNightmare, and the Canucks’ various missteps. This episode was recorded on March 2, 2025
#202: Minion City, USA
"I’ve seen that vest before." Have y'all heard about this Four Nations Face-Off thing? Rave, Eva, and Kelly tried to ignore it like its organizers ignored the Washington Capitals, but we should've known there'd be too much silliness for your hosts to avoid having opinions about for long. Also up for review: Dylan Strome's abs and the latest melodramas out of Vancouver. This episode was re
#201: Too Much, Too Much, Too Many Men
"Confuses the eye and the mind." Our wonderful Kelly is ill, which means the loons are in charge of the asylum over here. Rave and Eva discuss the Capitals' agape love and nachos on ice, then weigh in on the Avs sending Mikko away (and freeing Taylor Hall in the process); the Canucks sending JT to hell; the Flyers sending those children to Calgary; and - dun dun DUNNN - the return of T*ny
200th Episode Retrospective Extravaganza
"No object permanence." In honor of YCDT's overlapping 200th episode and 7th anniversary milestones, Producer Danielle leads Kelly, Eva, Rave, and Producer Laura through a retrospective of pod moments past. Thank you for listening for all these years!!This episode was recorded on January 12, 2025.Timecodes: (1:40) Who Said That?? | (34:45) Special Requests
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#200: The Locker Room Milieu
"Consulting lesbian." IT'S OUR 200th EPISODE but we'll celebrate that milestone later. Right now Kelly has to lead Eva and Rave on a tour of NHL locker rooms to assess the wide range of conflicts blessing and/or haunting teams at the midpoint of the season, including PLD vs. the world, Pasta vs. Marchand, Miller vs. Pettersson, the Flyers vs. a child, and the Rangers (and this podcast) vs
#199: Hot-n-Ready Spirit
"Oozing with culture." If our admittedly shoddy record-keeping is to be believed, the Capitals haven’t embarrassed themselves since they lost to the Sharks on Pride Night - and even that was kinda worth it. Rave, Kelly, and Eva grapple with this new version of the Caps that’s horny as ever and somehow also…good? At…hockey. Also on the docket: the Rangers’ slow death, Matvei’s Michigan, an
#198: One (1) Nut November
"Alfredo caulk." Whew, busy couple weeks, huh? Join Eva, Rave, and Kelly to check in on the Caps increasingly not-bad play, Ovi's fibula, THE RETURN OF LARS ELLER!, hot witch Sid, Jumbo Joe's jersey retirement, Jonathan Toews' toxins, and, yes, sorry: Mats Zuccarello's balls. This episode was recorded on November 24, 2024.Timecodes: (3:20) Petfinder | (7:40) Caps chat | (31:35) Elsewhere
#197: Pervert For Pittsburgh
"Sauna." Kelly, Rave, Eva, and all our favorite guys are settling in to this hockey season. Let's check in! Whomst of our Capitals is fueled by spite? Which hot old man is least likely to leave his cozy nest? Which coach is lie-truthing, and which one is truth-lying? Who is farming our engagement? And what the HELL is the Phenomenotter googling over there?? This episode was recorded on No
#196: Amulet4Amulet
"Sportsbetting dot org dot gov." The Caps were winning games for a minute there and Rave, Eva, and Kelly found it unsettling. Thankfully, the Pens’ suffering, the Canucks’ neuroses, the league’s Halloween costumes, and the anti-5G armor of one particular Toronto Maple Leaf kept us tethered to reality. This episode was recorded on October 27, 2024.Timecodes: (3:06) Pop (Girlies) Quiz corre
#195: The Boy Locators
"Who's where??" Eva, Kelly, and Rave are BACK, baby. Get ready for everything that entails: sighing with fond exasperation at the Washington Capitals; forgetting teams and players we've absolutely discussed before; prodding marketing material and astrological charts for signs of depth; and, occasionally, talkin' 'bout hockey. This episode was recorded on October 14, 2024.Timecodes: (2:43)
Official Trailer: Season 8
Pod's back this week for our EIGHTH season of NHL hockey. Sorry! You're welcome!
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#194: Sleeper Freak
"Spiritual divorce." Lord Stanley has chosen his babies of the year, and gosh if your hosts didn't just delight in the adventure to get here. Eva, Rave, and Kelly reflect on the accuracy of our pre-finals tarot reading, celebrate the satisfying plot developments in the narratives of Mssrs. Tkachuck and McDavid, crown their own playoffs Super Freak, gut check changes to the Caps roster (an
#193: Connor McMeltdown
"Not on OUR part of the internet." Rave, Eva, and Kelly did not necessarily predict this Stanley Cup finals matchup, but one must admit there is something satisfyingly YCDT-coded about its hashtag narratives. Join us as we check in on DILF softball in DC, eulogize our fallen Stars/Rangers, and ask the tarot cards what to expect in the final round. This episode was recorded on June 3, 2024
#192: Scoot Suit
"Make my doodle look butch." Kelly, Rave, and Eva are back with Round 2 thoughts as the playoffs continue to dazzle and delight, and, in the case of one team in particular, cause Kelly great mental anguish. Press play for the league's most compelling gay fox-dog, community reffing, NateMac's hostile takeover of Sidney Crosby's summer house, and the unexpected silver lining of the Rangers'
#191: The Gunk
"A pious suitor for my eldest daughter." This is an episode filled with evil laughter, but to be fair to Eva, Kelly, and Rave, there are quite a lot of things worth laughing evilly about as the playoffs move into the second round. Points of interest include Kuzy's perpetual-motion hate machine, the battle of the Florida Mans, and the phrase "Sean Cody's little rascals." This episode was r
#190: Takes Two To Scam-Tango
"The pathos is upped." Check in on the playoffs' first round with Kelly, Eva, and Rave! Lots to contend with so far, including Kuzy gaslighting the Canes with a veneer of respectability, Caps messiness (fond), Canucks messiness (anxious), and sweet Mitchell Marner's exquisite suffering. This episode was recorded on April 27, 2024.Timecodes: (3:12) Hurricanes vs. Islanders | (15:11) Golden
![Bonus #32: Playoffs Bracketeering [TEASER]](https://img.transistorcdn.com/_yzeo6I1RRI5dyzrEeORwd7WNGKJ1xTad2Oe4Wkhn80/rs:fill:0:0:1/w:1400/h:1400/q:60/mb:500000/aHR0cHM6Ly9pbWct/dXBsb2FkLXByb2R1/Y3Rpb24udHJhbnNp/c3Rvci5mbS9lODZk/MjU4NDRmNjRhMWNl/Njg1MWMwMjQ2NjYx/OTdjYS5wbmc.jpg)
Bonus #32: Playoffs Bracketeering [TEASER]
It's the return of a YCDT tradition: Rave, Eva, and Kelly assess the Stanley Cup Playoffs round one matchups to determine the non-hockey games these teams should actually be playing based on their shared auras, histories, and hopes.
★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★
#189: Goalie Existentialism
"Wienerpeg our way to the top." The Caps are teetering on the precipice of doing something SO hilarious. You may listen to this episode after their fate has been sealed - if so, please enjoy this snapshot of Eva, Rave, and Kelly's mental and emotional state in the before times. Also on the ol' outline this week: uncrunchable Nicke, calm collected Cooley, the Yotes' no good very bad owners
#188: Bobbleheist
"He meant what he yelled." Our Washington Capitals remain too stupid to realize that they are dead and Kelly, Rave, and Eva are delighted! What a time we're all having! Topics for discussion include TJ's 1000th, the Pens' existential dread, Kuzy's new nest, Torts' hissy fit, the Larkin-less Red Wings, and a funky little Pittsburgh mystery. This episode was recorded on March 17, 2024.Timec
#187: Swaddle The Bruiser
"Who to the core." Much occurred while this pod was fighting off illness, so Rave, Kelly, and Eva roll up their sleeves to tackle an agenda that includes the half-life of cocaine, Ted's big fail, Auston's golf...pod?, the Tampa yakuza, and the brief but appreciated heroism of Anthony Manthony. And in the distance, the trade deadline looms... This episode was recorded on March 3, 2024.Time
#186: Longing To Shroom
"We have sparkling water money on the line." There's a lot about this year's All Star weekend for Eva, Kelly, and Rave to analyze, including Brock Boeser's "Favorite Boy" award, Kuch's boos, Michael Buble's drug experience, and...those player portraits. You know the ones. Also: Ovi's got his groove back; odes to discontinued jerseys; and an update from Kelly's Canucks corner. This episode
#185: Third-Place Pretty Girl Syndrome
"The Amazing...Unlawful Confinement." Did you know that like our Washington Capitals, YCDT has a fun little freak tunnel of our own? Kelly, Eva, and Rave are having a grand ol' time in there. Coaching trends are getting analyzed, forcibly-separated bonded pairs are being mourned, improvements to the All Star Game are being suggested (AGAIN. FOREVER). Come hang in the freak tunnel with us!
#184: Kingdom Phylum Animal Rectangle
"It's bad pedagogy." It's a new year! But like the Washington Capitals, this pod is back on its traditional and beloved bullshit. And we've lots to discuss, including Ethan Bear, the Pens-Caps nursing home derby, leech fears, the return of Dima, hot mic vendettas, broken jaws, classiness, and whether or not we want Dylan Strome to face Connor McDavid at the ASG in front of god and everyon
#183: Cap Trick
"No more Kuzy sauce in the pasta room." The Caps are frolicking through this season with a buoyancy that Eva, Rave, and Kelly cannot help but be charmed by: Kuzy sauce? Tom trick? Dallas slut-ery?? C'mon, we're only human. Also on the agenda: hunting for Bear, Jacob Trouba's artistic explorations, Chicago and Detroit warring for Eva's heart, Rod's angry Bod, the Flyers renaissance, and MO
#182: The Banality of Bureaucratic Evil
"Put a bag over your birdcage." Critical questions for Kelly, Rave, and Eva this week: Who's the Selling Sunset and who's the Prison Break? Who's the Patrik Laine and who's the Taylor Hall? Who's getting his biceps squeezed on Swedish TV and who's remaking his struggling professional organization in his image? And do you think Sid & Ovi saved hockey or are you WRONG? This episode was
#181: Large Talk
"All my life to game." On the emotional scale of Canadian hockey teams, how are YOU doing? Because Nicklas Bäckström is "stepping away from the game" so Rave, Kelly, and Eva aren't great!! At least we have Capitals' Halloween costumes, a Sharks win, and Sabres Speed Dating to soothe us. This episode was recorded on November 12, 2023.Timecodes: (3:58) Am I The Asshole? | (13:45) Caps chat
#180: Revolutionary Allyship
"He does not. Give. One. Hell." Eva, Kelly, and Rave are shocked - SHOCKED! To discover there's GAMBLING going on in this hockey establishment! This week they're checking in on the latest from Ottawa, observing the Dylan Strome of it all in Washington and the Connor Bedard-ing in Chicago, bidding a fond farewell to Jumbo Joe, and scolding the league YET AGAIN for writing dry-erase checks
#179: Can't Spell "Gary" Without "Gay"
"That gyre is gonna f*ckin' widen, baby." The NHL banned rainbow stick tape celebrations of LGBTQ+ support, but as usual, the joke's on the league because this pod's gay little hands are all over this sport and will be forever. Kelly, Rave, and Eva weigh in on that nonsense, plus a fun and flirty week of good, bad, and unimportant hockey from the Pens, Canucks, and Caps, respectively. Thi
#178: A Bird Has Sung Today
"There's something delightful about a rat boy forcing your hand." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are sooooo back, and with quite a summer to recap, from Kuzy's unfiltered interview to Mark Badcop's blessedly brief time as CBJ coach and the return of both spite-fueled Nicke and noted Sidney Crosby fan Evgeni Malkin. This episode was recorded on October 2, 2023.Timecodes: (3:45) (All) Star Dew Valley
#177: Slut Bouquet
"They're both sans serif." That's a wrap on the '22-'23 NHL season! While our preferred goobers may not have won, Kelly, Eva, and Rave have room in their hearts for some Vegas narratives, too. Plus: Checking in on terrible coaches, fractured locker rooms, Kyle, and our babiest baby's new baby on board. This episode was recorded on June 18, 2023.Timecodes: (2:59) Guess Who? | (11:15) The S
#176: Our Hero, Whomst
"The burden of c*nt to serve." Climb in the Little Stuart car with Eva, Rave, and Kelly for a lightly belated check-in on two rounds of playoffs magic and NHL admin dumbassery featuring media darling Matthew Tkachuk, super-loser Jamie Benn, seductress Sidney Crosby, the agony and ecstasy of Kyle Dubas, and oh so much more. This episode was recorded on May 29, 2023.Timecodes: (5:40) HELLO
#175: The Presidents' Cursey Troph
"It's mouth stuff." Round 1 was weird and fun as hell, but now we're heading into Round 2 of Stanley Cuppery with a set of teams that feel like mismatched gag gift shot glasses from the thrift shop. Please don't misunderstand: Rave, Eva, and Kelly are LOVING it. This episode was recorded on May 3, 2023.Timecodes: (2:12) Experience Cuppage | (12:24) Coaches corner | (24:00) Oilers/Golden K
#174: Entwined In Suckitude
"Quinn is for the she/hers." The Washington Capitals are officially out of this year’s playoff race, lol. But so are the Pittsburgh Penguins! Thankfully, between the soap opera of these two miserable teams and the various comedies, dramas, and genre films that make up the Round 1 matchups, Kelly, Rave, and Eva have a whole Blockbuster’s worth of DVDs to enjoy. This episode was recorded on
#173: Wear The Gay Shirt, Bigot!
"Wayne WHATsky?!" The only people cruising more calmly to the end of this NHL season than the reigning Bruins are Rave, Kelly, and Eva as the Capitals peter out like a womp-womp trombone. Better luck next year, babes! Let's check in on some of our other boys thriving in new markets and make fun of homophobic idiots instead! This episode was recorded on April 4, 2023.Timecodes: (3:00) Advi
#172: Boba Grunge Battle Clowns
"Kuzmas is the same." Can someone puhLEAZE tell the Washington Capitals to just stop already? Eva, Kelly, and Rave are tired of trying and we need a solution before these guys beat all odds and logic and wind up in the playoffs through some egregious twist of fate. Plus: Throw him in the Bin-nington; St. Louis Beans; and a visit from an old...well, maybe "friend" isn't the right word. Thi
#171: Balms For Lost Boys
"The sunk-JT fallacy." This year's trade deadline lasted several years and was chock full of dramas, from the lowbrow (New York Ranger Patrick Kane) to the high (farewell Dima and Garnet, our beloveds), so Kelly, Eva, and Rave spend a nice long time discussing everything. Plus: A thorough analysis of the sun/moon/rising signs of the league's top-line trios. This episode was recorded on Ma
#170: Kindred Potatoes
"He prestige'd us." Our Washington Capitals proved this week that while they're a bunch of good and handsome dads to their adorable children, they are perhaps slightly less good at playing professional hockey than they should be. Rave, Kelly, and Eva deal with that and weigh in on Tarasenko to NYR, Sid's first game misconduct, and a white blank Toews. This episode was recorded on February
UNLOCKED Bonus: Just A Little Love Bot (2020)
We thought it'd be a fun Valentine's treat to re-post an old Patreon bonus segment on the main feed today. This one is from way back in February 2020, if you can believe, and was originally described thusly: "Kelly, Eva, and Rave were really On One during the recording of this very silly Valentine's-themed game, but to be fair, so were the AI bots that designed the candy hearts whose mess
#169: Dunk That Donk
"We stan a sopping queen." This season's All Star Weekend horseplay had the self awareness to situate itself in an unserious place (Florida) so Eva, Rave, and Kelly are more than happy to bestow upon it their equally unserious commentary. Also: Beau for Bo, the Alexander Semin jumpscare, and the most recent bout in the ongoing saga of Caps vs. Pens. This episode was recorded on February 5
#168: Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, F*cked Up
"The Canadian patois." From Tumblr's infestation of unhinged porn bots to the utterly miserable treatment of our beloved Bruce Boudreau by the Vancouver Canucks, Kelly, Eva, and Rave are going through a lot right now. Commiserate with us! This episode was recorded on January 22, 2023.Timecodes: (4:48) Porn Bot Bio Generator | (12:22) #ALLCAPS | (33:33) Canucks Corner | (56:53) Elsewhere i
#167: Jordan Eberle (Taylor's Version)
"REEKS of Barzal." Eva, Kelly, and Rave welcome you to 2023 in all its cringe splendor! In addition to the Caps' week of foreplay leading up to Nicke and Tom's one-goal return game, we saw Trevor Zegras shoplifting sticks mid-shift, Jordan Eberle penning an earnest ode to Islanders hockey, AND the Bruins doing the absolute most for the Winter Classic. Can everyone please calm down. This e
#166: Slam The Last Dance
"Canadian Hogwarts. For clowns." A certain brick-shithouse-built Russian has been busy this month making history or whatever, so Eva, Rave, and Kelly are ready to wrap up 2022 with their own contributions to the hockey canon, namely: jokes, jabs, and japes. This episode was recorded on December 28, 2022.Timecodes: (2:46) We’re All In Hell | (11:14) #ALLCAPS | (47:14) Elsewhere in the NHL
#165: Unsuccessful Pattern Mixing
"...and a Ziploc full of old bones." It's the week before winter break. How you holdin' up? Kelly, Rave, and Eva check in on the near-dead Capitals, the actually dead Avs, the adventure-bound Wild, and our various plans and schemes to keep these NHLers entertained until the final bell rings to signal the start of vacay. This episode was recorded on December 11, 2022.Timecodes: (03:36) #AL
#164: Staal Blindness
"Un-thwartable." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are hurtling headfirst toward the holiday season (read: acquainting themselves with this year's Goop Gift Guide). Plus: distinct kicking motions discourse, a whole week of Geno-versaries, and a reminder that we were HAPPY to let our baby goalies go, actually, because we LOVE them and wanted them to THRIVE. So. This episode was recorded on November 27,
#163: Business Eagle Altruism
"Go to therapy, Bowser." Our Washington Capitals are delivering comedy, tragedy, and injury, but hockey continues to be none of the screaming eagle's goddamn business. Also on Eva, Rave, and Kelly's docket this week: windbreakers, Dylan vs. Connor, the purple prose of Josh Yohe, and the hockey team of Genovia. This episode was recorded on November 17, 2022.Timecodes: (03:47) T-Shirt Dress
#162: Dropouts, Quitters, and Sagittarians
"A middle school play called 'The Locker Room.'" Low expectations have the NHL standings looking like Opposite Day, but one thing Rave, Eva, and Kelly can depend on is applying astrological fixes to team morale problems. And maybe throwing in a lovable cranky iron man for good measure. This episode was recorded on October 30, 2022.Timecodes: (2:47) Who Is Good? | (13:22) #ALLCAPS | (37:05
#161: Spiritually Booed
"We've betrayed our live organist." Sometimes being an adult means looking a reporter dead in the eye to answer “No” when asked if your team has any redeeming qualities. Other times, it means casting hockey players in flirty sexy spooky Halloween horror movie scenarios. But no matter what, being an adult means positioning your dumpster fire so that it doesn’t spread to other dumpsters - a
#160: TJ Oshie's Map To The Stars
"Extant bitches will thrive." Like TJ Oshie introducing Dylan Strome to the Caps polycule, Eva, Kelly, and Rave are re-introducing each other to the hot goss from the NHL offseason. (But not the Avs' Cup celebrations, because like the Avs, once we get started on that one we're not gonna stop.) Plus: Divining what's in store for a few teams based on classic novel plotlines. This episode wa
Official Trailer: Season 6
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#159: A Special Dilf Treat
"Sailor suited to high heaven." The Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup, and what a Stanley Cup win it was. Eva, Kelly, and Rave recap Games 2-6 and the team's deeply compelling narratives in all the sumptuous detail they deserve. This episode was recorded on June 28, 2022.Timecodes: (02:47) Animal Husbandry | (12:19) SCF: Game 2 | (17:59) Games 3 & 4 | (29:08) Games 5 & 6 | (1
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